Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"
"No I'm a blonde", she replies.
"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor

 

[sassyalice]

A brunette tells her blonde sister that last night she slept with a brazilian. The blonde says O M G ... you slut..how many is a brazilian?

 

[pidgiepoo]

A Newfie rings his new girlfriend's door bell, while carrying a large bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, shrieks with delight when she sees the flowers, and drags him into the livingroom.

She immediately lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her panties off, and says, 'This is for the flowers!'


'Don't be silly', says the Newfie, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

 

[sctom]

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied,


''Vietnam''.

 

[sassyalice]

Q. Know why there is an opening in the front of men's underwear?


A. It's so that oxygen can get to their brains.

 

[sctom]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let
him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[dmoore19]

Do you know why a blonde was given more braincells than a coW?

So they don't crap on the floor.

 

[marcosdutra]

if you eat raw oysters, you will get stronger in bed

 

[mlkco]

Pooch rescued by dolphins

CNN.com - Breaking News, U.S., World, Weather, Entertainment & Video News

 

[burna]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'f**k' , the Rottweiler ate him!