Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

little humor is good for the Soul

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

 

[WOODMAN]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


Aha- offending people now, are we? Okay, how about a slightly different tack? Here's a little joke that uses 4 different racial slurs, and doesn't really offend anybody. You ready? Here we go...
Ahem.. What do you get when you put 5 chinese, one mexican, one italian and 4 blacks together? Give up? A LAWN SPRINKLER!

What, you don't get it? Okay, try saying this out loud- (The first 5 items sort of slow, and the remaining items faster.)
aCHINK, aCHINK, aCHINK, aCHINK, aCHINK,- Spick/Wop!- nigganigganigganigga



Now tell me that offended you

 

[inventor]

You Sir, will be trading jokes in hell with Hitler.

Can you please float a few to the debauchers' section, down the river of fire?

Set Up:
Prostitution is illegal here in Clark County (Las Vegas), Nevada.
The closest legal brothels are in Pahrump (actual name).

What do you call teen age girls in Pahrump?

Brothel Sprouts.


Other Pahrump jokes, (you have to go over a pass to get there, 'the hump');
'Over the hump, to get a hump.'
'Over the hump, to Pay-for-Rump.'

 

[santafejoe]

 

[inventor]

Where is the bowing smilie?

 

[pidgiepoo]

The Recipe


Two men are showering up in a locker room when one of them notices that his friend is extremely well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims..

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! "I've lost two inches already."


"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

Wait for it ..........









Wait for it .........






Wait . .........


"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damn it, Jim, Crisco
is shortening!"

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

 

[pidgiepoo]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

[pelagic_by_nature]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!




What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.




What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.







What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag




Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.






What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?





Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.







What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.





What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.





What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.





Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.





Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends !




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.




What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.





Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.





What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"





Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.





Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.





Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.





Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."





Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.













What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.





What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.




What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".





How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!






What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... - A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

 

[Rhone Man]

Kids say the darndest things....


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

 

[mlkco]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The porcupine has its pricks on the outside.

My BMW has it's prick on the outside.