ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
......
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their
> position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each
> other.
> The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera
> for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior
> demeanour.
> The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
> Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
> The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't
> have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But
> thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect
> penis."
> The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a
> confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really
> going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two
> weeks."
> The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
> husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."
> "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make.
> Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg
> position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each
> other.
> The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera
> for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior
> demeanour.
> The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new
> Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
> The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't
> have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But
> thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect
> penis."
> The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a
> confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really
> going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two
> weeks."
> The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
> husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."
> "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make.
> Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg
Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a dive master. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the DM was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a “Divers do it deeper” T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go **** herself!”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the DM was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a “Divers do it deeper” T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go **** herself!”
santafejoe
Contributor
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends !
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... - A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends !
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time... - A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...
PullmanSCUBA
Registered
Little April was asleep in Class. Teacher decided to try catch her out and asks..."Tell me April, who created the Universe?"...
When April didn't stir, her friend jabbed her in the back with a pen.. 'God Almighty!!'...shouted April..
A little later, Teacher asks April, "Who's our Saviour?"
Johnny again prods her with a pen and April shouts... 'JESUS CHRIST!!!'...
The Teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?".......
Johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs April who screams..........'IF YOU STICK THAT F@$%ING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!!!!'.....
......the Teacher fainted............................................
When April didn't stir, her friend jabbed her in the back with a pen.. 'God Almighty!!'...shouted April..
A little later, Teacher asks April, "Who's our Saviour?"
Johnny again prods her with a pen and April shouts... 'JESUS CHRIST!!!'...
The Teacher was determined to catch her asleep and asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?".......
Johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs April who screams..........'IF YOU STICK THAT F@$%ING THING IN ME ONCE MORE, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!!!!'.....
......the Teacher fainted............................................
PullmanSCUBA
Registered
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail
box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE
GOT MAIL!'
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail
box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
'My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE
GOT MAIL!'
PullmanSCUBA
Registered
After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton
was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart, as follows:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
Both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
Layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
Shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
Mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
By using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
Yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
Assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
Then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-mart
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton
was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women-she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
Wal-Mart, as follows:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
Both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
Carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
Intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
"Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
Layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
Shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
Mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
By using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
Yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
Assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least..
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
Then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-mart
santafejoe
Contributor
deadly_risk
Contributor
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Subject: Golf --- The Bitter Truth!
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching Channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch the movie or the golf", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch the movie," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"
A man is watching a game of golf on TV.
But he keeps switching Channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch the movie or the golf", he says to his wife.
"For Heaven's sake, watch the movie," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"
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