Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Cerebral_Origami]

Check this out! Octopus steals a guy's video camera while it's running!
Octopus steals video camera while it’s recording

Keep watching until the end, then checkout the awesome videos lined up along the bottom when it finishes.

 

[Deefstes]

A recent entry of the xkcd web comic.

 

[santafejoe]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now... You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Works for me!

 

[santafejoe]

An Israeli doctor says,
"Medicine in my country is so advanced
that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says,
"That is nothing; we can take a lung
out of one person, put it in another, and
have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says,
"In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one
person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks".

An ILLINOIS doctor says,
"You guys are way behind.
We recently took a man with
no brains out of ILLINOIS ,
put him in the White House
and within SIX MONTHS.....
half the COUNTRY is looking for work"!

 

[jupitermermaid]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot,
Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting
for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that
sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the
hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back
room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot...

 

[santafejoe]

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my
health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. ito Mexico
, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration
quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would
you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might
need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking
(bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture
and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles
at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access
to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico , but I don't plan to
purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to
learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo
from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol
car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U.S. flag decals
on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want
any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or
have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be
extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or
about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need income tax credits so, although I don't pay Mexican taxes,
I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a
new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican
Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things
for all his people who walk over to the U.S. fom Mexico . I'm sure
that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him
nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You be the man!!!!!

 

[Jax]

>DOG DIARY
>
>8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
>9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
>9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
>10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
>12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
>1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
>3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
>5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
>7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
>8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
>11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
>
>
>CAT DIARY
>
>Day 983 of my captivity.
>
>My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
>
>They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
>hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
>rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
>keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
>escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
>
>Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
>I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
>demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
>condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. What
>jerks!
>
>There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
>placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
>could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
>confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
>means, and how to use it to my advantage.
>
>Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
>tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
>again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
>
>I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
>The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
>seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The
>bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
>guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
>have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
>
>For now...

 

[santafejoe]

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - A Bit Of History:





Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was

manufactured in England .

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico .

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York .

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.



WHAT???

You expected something educational from me?



You need a shot of Tequila after that don't you ?

...@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@...

 

[mlkco]

The Marriage Question


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks

over at him and asks the question.



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND : (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "****

 

[WOODMAN]

Long ago an indian tribe in one of our mountainous regions was holding their annual manhood qualification ritual, which consisted of a test of their tracking and woodlore abilities. The deal was that the candidate would be given 2 hours to lose himself in the woods, and then the tribe's master tracker would set out after him. If the candidate managed to elude the tracker for 6 hours, he earned his manhood status. On the day in question, a young brave named Falling Rock was being tested. He ran off into the woods as planned, and 2 hours later the tracker started his search. He was able to follow the brave's spoor fairly well, until he came to a big field of broken rock and stone, where the trail petered out. He searched diligently, but was unable to locate any further sign. At the end of the 6 hours he was forced to return to the tribe in defeat, and then the entire tribe turned out to search. Unfortunately it was as if the young man had fallen off the end of the earth, and no sign of him was ever seen again. They continue to search to this very day, and if you drive through this region now, you will still find the occasional sign- (wait for it) "WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK!"