Just saw this.....happy Saturday all.
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Just saw this.....happy Saturday all.
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "
Jeff Gordon Fires Entire Pit Crew!
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's proposal to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had also changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's proposal to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits.
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had also changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
AlbertaDan
Registered
this has to be told by a woman for full effect.
A recent study has revealed that women have four distinct types of orgasms.
The first type of orgasm is the positive orgasm. While pretending to have real orgasm says: "Oh yes, Oh yes I'm coming"
The second type is the negative orgasm. Also while pretending to have a real orgasm says: "Oh no, Oh no I'm coming"
The third is is the religious orgasm. "Oh God, Oh God, I'm coming"
And the fourth is the fake. "Oh (insert name), I'm coming"
A recent study has revealed that women have four distinct types of orgasms.
The first type of orgasm is the positive orgasm. While pretending to have real orgasm says: "Oh yes, Oh yes I'm coming"
The second type is the negative orgasm. Also while pretending to have a real orgasm says: "Oh no, Oh no I'm coming"
The third is is the religious orgasm. "Oh God, Oh God, I'm coming"
And the fourth is the fake. "Oh (insert name), I'm coming"
pidgiepoo
Contributor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TESTICLE THERAPY
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
TESTICLE THERAPY
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
Quickie in the Bushes
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
> woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
> years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
> for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
> shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
> care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
> yes, let's!
>
> But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
> you **** on its head.'
>
> ----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
>
> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
> woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
> years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
> gesture, brings the two to life.
>
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
> for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
>
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
> shrubbery.
>
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
>
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
> care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh,
> yes, let's!
>
> But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and
> you **** on its head.'
>
> ----------AND WERE YOU THINKING????
Deefstes
Contributor
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pidgiepoo
Contributor
Is sex work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff...
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff...
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
santafejoe
Contributor
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN!!!
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!)
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!)
Duck Hunting
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged.. .
shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged.. .
shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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