Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[jupitermermaid]

A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

'honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now'.

He looks at her and says angrily,
'fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
ge written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
'well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right '

to which he replied,
'fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have westinghouse
written on my forehead?
I don't think so'.

'fine', she says
'then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break '

'i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps'.
He says, 'does it look like i have
ace hardware written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the bar!!!! '

so he goes to the bar and drinks for a
couple of hours....................................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house, he notices
that the steps are already fixed..

As he enters the house, he sees the
hall light is working.

As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

'honey', he asks, 'how'd all this get fixed?'
she said, 'well, when you left i sat
outside and cried.

Just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake'.

He said,
'so what kind of cake did you bake?'

she replied,
'hellooooo..
Do you see betty crocker written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

 

[santafejoe]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[mlkco]

President Barack Obama is set to honor former President

George W. Bush. He has asked Haiti to rename the Tectonic

plate that caused the earth quake. It will now be known

as Bush's Fault.

 

[Atomic_Diver]

 

[Ed L.]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

 

[mlkco]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with ev ery step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[Sauerkraut]

 

[pidgiepoo]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's funnier .... Teachers or Cops?
Teachers:

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some of these are really funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others .
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Cops:
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor!

16.. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not... “ Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” '
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

 

[BettyRubble]

........

 

[mlkco]

Face Painting gone sooooooooo bad
Simple cat whiskers OK
A nice butterfly on a childs cheek OK.
But this