I rest my case:
Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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Divergirl4U
Contributor
Can people really be this stupid?
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
7. My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
8. Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.
mike_s
Contributor
YES they can be that stupid.
Once, I bought a drink at a convience store and the cash register told the girl working behind the counter the "optimal way" of giving change for 45 cents.
It said to give 1 quarter and 2 dimes (for 45 cents).
Well, the problem was she was out of Quarters.
She didn't know what to do.
I told her no problem, just give me 4 dimes and a nickle.
Well that just confused her more... she didn't know what to do and started stressing and trying to figure out how to call her manager.....
I AM NOT KIDDING.... This really happened.
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
I am not sure if camel toe is allowed in this thread
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sandmanz32
Contributor
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden' she said.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden' she said.
Divergirl4U
Contributor
A Divemaster’s wish…
Near a lake used by scuba divers was a dive shop. One day a man walked in to the shop carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the counter and was greeted by an instructor. The instructor naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
"He's fantastic!" said the instructor, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake all alone, at about 15 feet, and looking very fatigued. I took hold of the frog and ascended to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.
"When I put him down – and you're not going to believe this bit", the man said, "the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was an unfortunate genie turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't doing well as a frog." But the best part was that for saving his life he agreed to grant me a wish.
"Well, being the attentive dive buddy I am, I noticed the frog having some difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I clearly told him my wish, – and that was how I got a 10 inch pianist!"
Near a lake used by scuba divers was a dive shop. One day a man walked in to the shop carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the counter and was greeted by an instructor. The instructor naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened the box and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you had ever heard.
"He's fantastic!" said the instructor, "Where did you get him?"
"Well," said the customer, "I had been diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming in the middle of lake all alone, at about 15 feet, and looking very fatigued. I took hold of the frog and ascended to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore.
"When I put him down – and you're not going to believe this bit", the man said, "the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was an unfortunate genie turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't doing well as a frog." But the best part was that for saving his life he agreed to grant me a wish.
"Well, being the attentive dive buddy I am, I noticed the frog having some difficulty equalizing as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I clearly told him my wish, – and that was how I got a 10 inch pianist!"
Divergirl4U
Contributor
Obsession
After a sexual harassment incident at work, Frank is sent to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.
The Doctor explains that he'll be showing Frank a series of inkblot images called Rorschach Inkblots.
Doctor: "Now Frank as I reveal each image tell me the first thing that comes to mind okay."
Frank: "Sure, I got it."
The doctor shows the first pattern.
Doctor: "What do you see?"
Frank: "A women with really big ****."
Next image.
Frank: "A man and a women screwing."
Next image
Frank: "A women performing oral sex on a guy."
The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank you seem to have an obsession with sex."
Frank: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures."
After a sexual harassment incident at work, Frank is sent to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.
The Doctor explains that he'll be showing Frank a series of inkblot images called Rorschach Inkblots.
Doctor: "Now Frank as I reveal each image tell me the first thing that comes to mind okay."
Frank: "Sure, I got it."
The doctor shows the first pattern.
Doctor: "What do you see?"
Frank: "A women with really big ****."
Next image.
Frank: "A man and a women screwing."
Next image
Frank: "A women performing oral sex on a guy."
The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank you seem to have an obsession with sex."
Frank: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures."
Divergirl4U
Contributor
How old are you?
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
santafejoe
Contributor
Sue had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was
> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
>
> Finally, Sue said she would go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
> daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to
> meet."
>
> Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
> dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in
> Vermont.
> Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
> nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his
> birthday
> suit.
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied:
> "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
> there I
> am still mourning."
>
> He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night
> was
> the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was
> in
> his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
>
> She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He
> replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
> constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
>
> Finally, Sue said she would go out, but didn't know anyone. Her
> daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to
> meet."
>
> Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
> dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in
> Vermont.
> Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood
> nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his
> birthday
> suit.
>
> Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied:
> "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down
> there I
> am still mourning."
>
> He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night
> was
> the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was
> in
> his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
>
> She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He
> replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
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