Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[mcohen1021]

Mornin Gang,

So last night during dinner my wife and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. She said "I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” I said Not me, I already have one of those.”

Happy Friday, here's my joke of the day...

MC



A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

 

[lowwall]

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To be fair, the "Myself" option is grayed out.

 

[MaxBottomtime]

 

[dead dog]

Max,
Does this mean you have to buy new equipment?

 

[mcohen1021]

Happy Friday gang, we made it another week without getting the bends or running out of air! Disclaimer, if you're easily offended, stop reading now.

My wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

Productively, here's your weekly joke...

MC

===========

Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

Sharon says, "Viens a moi."

Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"

Sharon takes another sniff and says,

"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?"

 

[mcohen1021]

Happy Friday everyone! We made it again!

My wife bought some crotchless panties recently and was waiting on the bed for me the other night.

When I got home, she seductively looked at me and asked "hey big boy, want some of this?"

I said "Hell no! Look at what it did to your panties!"

Iknowi'mgoingtohellingly,

MC

PS - the easily offended should stop reading here.

=======================


A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.

The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."

"How much is that?" "$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

“I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for sex?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, between the buildings….

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that, that’s Long Island…"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a p---sy, I'd own it too…"

 

[mcohen1021]

Mornin fellow divers!

Here's your weekly Friday joke! The easily offended and can stop reading here.

MC

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A woman walks into a freight company wanting a job as a truck driver. The manager said they had strict toughness tests to pass before being hired as a driver...

She said she understood and was sure she could pass.

“OK, so so you curse?” asked the manager

“He** yeah mother****, I can out cuss any sonsof**** here...” she said

“Very nice! OK, so do you chew tobacco?”

“SPITTTTT!! Yup, I sure do!”

“Wow, I’m impressed! OK, final question... Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“Well, no, I haven’t... But I been swung around by the tits a few times!”

She was hired on the spot.

 

[MaxBottomtime]

A 'heads up' for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim
of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies
has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think
it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking
20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your
car, They both start wiping your windshield with a
rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to
McDonald's. You
agree and they get in the backseat.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into
the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one
steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, March 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

 

[MaxBottomtime]

 

[MaxBottomtime]