Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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santafejoe
Contributor
MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM. . .
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject
directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword,
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ....... Panic!!
The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
---------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
- RCN Chief P.O.
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant
that you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
"If it's Dirty, Clean it...
If it Squeaks, Oil it...
But, if it Works....LEAVE IT ALONE!!"
- USAF Electronic Technician
---------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running,
keep up with him."
- US Army Bomb Disposal Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- RCAF Pilot
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost
until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot, SR-71)
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
"Latitude...is Where We are Lost,
&
Longitude...is How Long We've been Lost There!"
- USAF Navi-guesser
---------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel
is when you're on fire."
- WWII RCAF Bomber Pilot
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter ---
however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
- Unknown
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane,
you always have enough power left to get you
to the scene of the crash."
- Unknown
---------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between
air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If a ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
- RCAF Pilot
---------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is that happening?"
"Where are we?"
and,
"Oh, Oh!"
---------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two out of the three are needed
to successfully complete the flight."
- USAF Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
Every plane has returned to earth!"
- Test Pilot Humour
---------------------------------------------
"Flying your airplane is far more important
than radioing your plight to a person on the ground
who is incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it."
- Training Manual
---------------------------------------------
"The 'Piper Cub' is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop Test Pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to ever fly
through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
it's about to."
- Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "How should I know?.....I just got here myself."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject
directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword,
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ....... Panic!!
The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
---------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
- RCN Chief P.O.
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant
that you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
"If it's Dirty, Clean it...
If it Squeaks, Oil it...
But, if it Works....LEAVE IT ALONE!!"
- USAF Electronic Technician
---------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running,
keep up with him."
- US Army Bomb Disposal Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- RCAF Pilot
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost
until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot, SR-71)
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
"Latitude...is Where We are Lost,
&
Longitude...is How Long We've been Lost There!"
- USAF Navi-guesser
---------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel
is when you're on fire."
- WWII RCAF Bomber Pilot
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter ---
however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
- Unknown
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane,
you always have enough power left to get you
to the scene of the crash."
- Unknown
---------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between
air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If a ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
- RCAF Pilot
---------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is that happening?"
"Where are we?"
and,
"Oh, Oh!"
---------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two out of the three are needed
to successfully complete the flight."
- USAF Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
Every plane has returned to earth!"
- Test Pilot Humour
---------------------------------------------
"Flying your airplane is far more important
than radioing your plight to a person on the ground
who is incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it."
- Training Manual
---------------------------------------------
"The 'Piper Cub' is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop Test Pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to ever fly
through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
it's about to."
- Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "How should I know?.....I just got here myself."
Like the old diving quote - at any point in a dive you have enough gas to last the rest of your life.
santafejoe
Contributor
The Economy Is So Bad That...
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Taxpayers don't have any taxes to pay.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- My ATM gave me an IOU!
- I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
- I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
And, finally... .
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
- Taxpayers don't have any taxes to pay.
- I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- My ATM gave me an IOU!
- I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
- I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
- If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
- My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
- Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
- A picture is now only worth 200 words.
- They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
And, finally... .
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
Sorry if this is a repost. I'm only on page 31 of this thread so far!
YouTube - Boom Goes the Dynamite
YouTube - Boom Goes the Dynamite
Deefstes
Contributor
- Messages
- 1,396
- Reaction score
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- # of dives
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or you can do it this way...
SolarStorm
Contributor
This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. The answer may surprise you.
"What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"
Answer (not work safe)
(I got it wrong too)
"What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"
Answer (not work safe)
(I got it wrong too)
SolarStorm
Contributor
pidgiepoo
Contributor
A mother is walking her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied..
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, ' How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?
'Because you got an F in sex.'
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied..
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, ' How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?
'Because you got an F in sex.'
santafejoe
Contributor
Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
'You gonna try again.'
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
'You gonna try again.'
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