drrich2
Contributor
I'm thinking that we need to have a general discussion about handling criticisms.
Part of it is how the criticism is delivered.
This is huge, and applies even to intelligent, well-educated people. I conceptualize it this way; when I want to deliver potential criticism to someone (let's say at work), I approach 2 identical people only distinguished by their shirts; one wears a shirt saying 'Intellect,' the other a shirt saying 'Ego.' If I walk up and say something abrasive, Ego shoves Intellect out of the way and gets between us, confronting me with an agenda to defuse the threat I pose to his sense of self. He'll rationalize, spin, deny, shift focus, externalize blame, basically pursue an agenda of defending himself. It's hard to talk around him to reach the Intellect.
If (and this isn't always possible) one can tactfully approach Intellect in a non-threatening way without triggering Ego, one can deliver an idea for consideration and potential acceptance. TS&M's posts in contentious threads were a model of this in years past.
Disclaimer: a number of my co-workers would be rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter to see I wrote that. Decide for yourself on a case-by-case basis how much it matters to 'sell' your idea to the recipient. If you'd rather hit people over the head with your point of view and they can like it or lump it, well...could be your ego is a factor, too?
And on the receiving end, it's hard not to react this way. I try to analyze the critical input for what of value I might glean, but it takes time for my natural defensiveness to die down, and even then it's easy for ill will to linger. For me, time is often the answer...if criticism is hurtful, it may take awhile before I digest it.
Trying to be right is natural. Learning to articulate your ideas into a logical argument grows out of a natural desire to 'win.' Making the choice to respect your target (possibly opponent) and persuade rather than 'verbally batter' can be unnatural.
But you get better long-term results.
Richard.