The racial thing here IS way overblown! Those who are describing it as such are pretty much overreacting to the fact that they are in pretty much the only place in the US where as a white person, you really get the fact that you ARE a minority here. If you don't have a problem with that, then you really won't have any problems, if you treat folks decently.
Yes, you do have to make cultural adjustments. Folks here are very laid back. The food is weird if you are not used to multi-cultural, right up your alley if you are. The public schools have a poor reputation, but it is possible to get a good education if you push your kids to do so. If you can, go private. Housing is still really high, but real estate prices are coming down. And the cost of living is high. Always going to be higher than the mainland for both.
While the commute from Mililani to town can seem brutal for the distance, it probably isn't any more brutal than most of the mainland commutes, time-wise. Actually, I think folks here get kind of spoiled, because everything is so close.
Catherine is right about the shades of brown thing. I'm a haole myself, from the east coast. After living here 25 years, what always surprises me when I go back is how many blondes there are on the east coast! You just see so many dark heads here!
The big downside is that it is an island. If you have to get in your car and drive 3 states away for a road trip every other weekend, this isn't the place for you. And if you are seriously into shopping, it isn't either!
All in all, there are many more upsides than downsides, but one has to come here with the right attitude. Most locals are very nice, give you the shirt off their back kind of people. But there are always a few bad apples in every barrel. If you come here with the "I'm white, I must be right" kind of chip on your shoulder, you'll find those bad apples quick!
Funny! I don't think I've ever heard a white woman here in Hawaii describe this place as being "racist"! It's always the white guys. Angry, white male syndrome, I guess. Those that have figured out that a milky white color of skin and pecker don't provide you with a birthright anymore and are of mind to be pissed about it!