My paper for Engl1302

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Lukiedukie

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Sachse, TX (for now)
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Some of you guys had requested a final copy of my paper that forced me to leave the last gathering so here goes. This is 95% ready to go so please tell me what you think. I want you honest opinion also do not smooth it over. I do hope it meets the Swamps approval but if not I have till Wednesday to make final adjustments

:wink: :wink: :wink:
 
LukieDukie
Dr. J Thunder Duck
English 1302-8402
February 13, 2005
Paradise
Many mysteries exist beneath the tropic waters 100 miles off the Gulf of Mexico in the Texas Water Gardens. Hundreds of other life forms inhabit the floor of our many lakes. There is a hidden paradise that can be found under the ocean’s surface. All bodies of water present an intriguing mystery to be investigated. Scuba diving is one of the preferred methods of investigation. You can scuba dive in many different places. You can dive in any sizeable body of water. Lakes, large ponds, rock quarries, natural springs, and, as always, the seemingly endless ocean depths are good places to explore while diving. Not only are there many different places to dive, but there are many different reasons, as well.
Why would you want to take up scuba diving? What better way to experience the alien terrain that can be found under the water’s surface? Imagine gliding slowly through the warm waters of the tropical ocean, exploring a colorful coral reef teeming with life. As you glide along, you suddenly discover a crevice in the coral that’s home to a rare type of seahorse, or you come upon a meadow of multi-colored anemones. The alien beauty of a coral reef can only be experienced by diving down under the ocean’s surface or by looking at flat, lifeless pictures in a book. Experiencing it first-hand is certain to be much more exciting, as well as much more memorable, than flipping through a book and wishing you could be there, and becoming a certified diver isn’t as hard as many imagine.
It’s not difficult to get involved in scuba diving. The first obvious step is to enroll in a scuba certification class. These classes are designed to teach the novice everything they need to know about safety precautions and procedures necessary to maximize the fun and minimize the risks of the diving experience. They cover the necessary information to properly use diving equipment, as well. Obviously, a diver needs the proper equipment, but not so obviously, the diver also needs a buddy. It’s never a good idea to go diving alone. There are simply too many risks. Your diving buddy provides the necessary back-up life support should there be a need for it, such as in the case of equipment failure, entanglement, or shortage of air. Your buddy also is someone with whom to share the awe and excitement of experiencing another world. These classes also provide you with an official certification for diving.
Scuba diving certification includes class time paired with pool time. You have to spend time in a classroom to learn the techniques necessary to do your time in the pool. Class time includes lectures, discussion, question and answer time, and the usual classroom experiences. Questions can be asked in order to glean information necessary to allay your fears about being submerged in such an alien environment. Certification also includes confined water time. This is comparable to lab time. It includes the hands on experience where you can become accustomed to being submerged underwater, and become familiar with using your diving equipment in a controlled environment. The populations in these classes are as varied as the ocean life that can be found on a Caribbean coral reef.
Almost anyone can become a certified scuba diver. People from all walks of life can become certified divers. There are few limitations placed on the sport. If you have asthma, then no, you can’t dive for obvious reasons. Other than that, it’s not necessary to be extraordinarily athletic, or in perfect health to be a skilled diver. All that’s really necessary is the drive to succeed in diving and the desire to explore other worlds reachable only through diving. Divers the world over consist of security officers, single mothers, sanitation engineers, and anyone else who felt the desire to experience nature first-hand. As stated in PADI’s Go Dive: An Open Water Diver Manual, “If you love nature, you’ve come to the right place. No other environment approaches the abundance, diversity and vibrance of a pristine coral reef. You can see more species in ten minutes there than in ten hours in the most unspoiled wildernesses above water.”
 
Decent. Your content is sound, but I would arrange your sentences a little. You tend to use a lot of small sentences when you should use complex sentences. Two longer sentences will get you a better grade than 4 shorter ones.
 
I will work on the reformating of the sentences. This is for my english 1302 class at Richland college. It is due Wensday night by midnight
 
Yes, I dont know for sure but I think they call it 1301 and 1302 to differentiate it from a university course, even though it would be very similar.
 
I agree with Chris. The first paragraph reads like short static statements rather than the beginning of an article. I like your descriptions in the second, very descriptive...especially for someone who hasn't seen it yet! :D

Oh and you left out the D in WeDnesday! :wink:
 
Dammit... I was 3/4 of the way done giving you some pointers, and I closed Firefox! I hate it when I do that.

Anyway, here we go. I'm just going to focus on the structure of your essay, I'll leave out grammar and flow concerns for the time being.

Generally speaking, college level essays should have 3 main components: an introductory paragraph, a body, and a concluding paragraph.

Your introductory paragraph could use a little bit of work. Like Dee said, it's currently reading like a bunch of short statements instead of an introduction. When properly written, your introductory paragraph should introduce me to your topic, and reveal exactly what you'll be discussing. From your first paragraph, I'm expecting to find out about the many places to dive, and the different reasons people dive. However, that doesn't happen in the body of your essay.

The first paragraph after your introduction is generally where the reader expects to find the body of your essay. In your second paragraph, you begin to explain the reasons people pursue scuba diving. Great. But the 3rd and 4th paragraphs introduce a new topic- how to become certified. We don't get to read a dedicated paragraph about the many different places divers visit.

The conclusion isn't as clear as it could be, and starts off with a continuation of the body paragraphs. It should sum up your main points, tie them back into your introductory paragraph, and perhaps leave the reader with a parting thought. The PADI quote, as you have it, seems a little bit long for your essay. You might try a concluding thought that ties back into the sense of mystery and exploration your essay started with.

You might try a basic outline for your essay as follows:

Introduction- The ocean offers an endless variety of environments, which many individuals pursue for different reasons.
Body Paragraph 1- Different underwater environments- Tropical, Cold, Wreck, etc.
Body Pargraph 2- Reasons to explore underwater- Fun, Discovery, Challenge, Thrill
Conclusion- The ocean's infinite variety appeals to people in many different ways.

Hope that helps a little bit. I don't know how rough your instructors are... I had a cranky old ******* for my english classes.

Does your college have a writing center? You might try taking your essay by there tomorrow morning and getting someone to do a quick proofread/edit for you. That's what they're paid to do, and they'll do a much better job then we can online.

There's something about red ink on paper that's just.... helpful.

-B
 
It sounds like ENGL 031 or ENGL 033, which are the remedial English courses at the University where I work. If so, the focus is most likely going to be on basics like subject verb agreement, using proper tenses and punctuation and basic sentence and paragraph structure.

I like the imagry you use in this paragragh:
Lukiedukie:
Imagine gliding slowly through the warm waters of the tropical ocean, exploring a colorful coral reef teeming with life. As you glide along, you suddenly discover a crevice in the coral that’s home to a rare type of seahorse, or you come upon a meadow of multi-colored anemones. The alien beauty of a coral reef can only be experienced by diving down under the ocean’s surface or by looking at flat, lifeless pictures in a book. Experiencing it first-hand is certain to be much more exciting, as well as much more memorable, than flipping through a book and wishing you could be there, and becoming a certified diver isn’t as hard as many imagine.

The last sentence makes a very good lead into the next paragraph, and it should be the last sentence in the paragraph. The next sentence should be the start of a new parapgraph as you are talking about a different thought - how to get started in scuba diving. The transition between the two paragraphs would then be smooth and the reader would be easily and naturally led from one to the other. If you are writing and have to think a bit about whether you need new paragraph or not, the odds are you are doing a good job of stringing them together.

The ability to get one thought to flow easily into another is one of the elements of good writing and doing it well will naturally cure the problem of choppy sentences. Sometimes to make that happen you just have to play with it a bit and re-order how you present things to get them to flow smoothly and naturally together.

In terms of content, you might consider talking more about the visceral experience of diving, as that seems to be where you passion lies, and expand and develop the above paragraph into the body of your essay. It would probably be much more interesting to many people than reading about the process of getting certified. If you struggle with structuring it, you could use a dive itself as the structure and lead the reader through a dive from start to finish with the focus on the sensations and thoughts experienced by a diver at each stage and key point of the dive.
 
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