sealskin98
Contributor
NDR, but here's a little funny I sent to a sociology professor when she first moved here from St. Louis (no offense intended to anyone due to their race, creed, religion, or section of the country outside of Texas that unfortunate circumstances have put them in). 
I would like to extend the famous Southern Hospitality and welcome you to Texas. I have enclosed the official Republic of Texas Immigration Regulations. I hope this will assist you in full assimilation into the Texas culture, as amalgamation and pluralism have been outlawed for some time now.
Please read these regulations carefully as they will assist you on your Naturalization Exam.
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight.
2. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
3. It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-20, I-30 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.
5. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
6. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.
8. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
10. Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.
11. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
12. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
13. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country.
15. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
16. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
17. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!
18. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!
19. You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.
20. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
21. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
22. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
23. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
24. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish.
25. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outa there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
26. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
27. Our Military is only used as a back-up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."
¡Bienvenidos a Tejas!
I would like to extend the famous Southern Hospitality and welcome you to Texas. I have enclosed the official Republic of Texas Immigration Regulations. I hope this will assist you in full assimilation into the Texas culture, as amalgamation and pluralism have been outlawed for some time now.
Please read these regulations carefully as they will assist you on your Naturalization Exam.
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight.
2. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
3. It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-20, I-30 and I-40 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
Pick one.
5. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
6. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin' camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.
8. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
10. Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.
11. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
12. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
13. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country.
15. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
16. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
17. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce!
18. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it!
19. You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant.
20. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
21. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
22. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.
23. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
24. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks the fish.
25. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outa there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
26. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
27. Our Military is only used as a back-up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."
¡Bienvenidos a Tejas!
