Lawyer jokes

[AzAtty]

An accountant, a statistician and a lawyer interview for an executive position with a large corporation. At the end of the interviewing and testing, all three are dead even in the competition, so the board of directors decides to ask each applicant a final question.

First, the board calls in the accountant. They ask him "what is two plus two?"

The accountant looks at the board members like they're mildly insane and says: "Any fool can tell you that two plus two is four."

The board thanks him and promises to let him know the results of his interview. The board calls in the statistician. "What is two plus two?" they ask.

The statistician gets very excited, runs to the whiteboard, sketches out a complex formula and says: "After extensive research, statistical analysis and discussion with colleagues in the field of mathematics, the formula we have discovered demonstrates that two plus two equals some number between 3.861 and 4.297." The board thanks him and dismisses him.

Finally, the board invites the lawyer into the room. They ask the same question: "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer stands up, walks to the door, opens it, checks outside the room, closes and locks the door, checks the windows and draws the blinds. Smirking slyly, he leans over the conference table, and in a conspiratorial whisper says: "okay...what do you guys want it to be?"

 

[Ontario Diver]

But a Theoretical Mathematician say that two plus two equals five for sufficiently large values of two.

A carpenter knows that two plus two really equals three and one half.

A ballerina says that Two plus two is a flimsy dancing skirt.

 

[Groundhog246]

And then there's the lawyer that died and went to heaven.

He arrived at the pearly gates at the same time as the newly deceased Pope. St. Peter welcomed them both and apologized that they were running a little behind and if the lawyer would just have a seat he'd show the Pope to his new home and come back and escort him to his. The lawyer said fine, but he'd be curious to see more of heaven and where the Pope would live, so could he just follow along and they could continue on to his room after showing the Pope to his. St. Peter said sure and off they went.
After a short walk, the Pope was shown into nice but rather spartan quarters alongside all the other popes down through history. The lawyer started to worry, after all, if that was the kind of quarters they gave a pope, what did they give a lawyer.
So off they go to the lawyers new residence. St. Peter again apologized that it was a fairly long walk. As they walked, they started traveling through progressively nicer neighbourhoods. Finally they came to this huge, gorgeous mansion and St. Peter turns and says, well here it is, I hope it suitable. Well, the lawyer looks at St. Peter in astonishment. Are you sure you've got the right place? You put the pope in a tiny hovel and I get this mansion, there must be a mistake. St. Peter checks his list and says "No mistake. We get lot's of pope's. You're the first lawyer we've ever had."

 

[DivePartner1]

A lawyer and an accountant are racing up a two lane mountain road when their bumpers touch and cars spin out of control.

The cars end up in two torn and smoking heaps, but both creep out of the wreckage in one piece.

"Are you all right?" say the accountant?
"Sure," say the lawyer. "And you?"
"A bit shaken up," says the accountant.

The lawyer then goes back into his car and pulls a flask out of the glove box.

"Here then, something to calm the nerves!" says the lawyer.
"Thanks!" says the accountant, who takes a long drink and then hands it back the lawyer, who then caps it.

"Aren't you going to have a belt?" says the Accountant.

"Sure" says the lawyer, "but not until AFTER the police have left."

 

[djhall]

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1.Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2.Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3.Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4.Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5.The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6.Were you alone or by yourself.

7.How long have you been a French Canadian?

8.Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9.Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10.Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11.Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12.Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13.Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14.So you were gone until you returned?

15.Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16.You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17.Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18.Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19.A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20.Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Plus a few others:

Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A : "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 

[mddolson]

what do you call, 100 lawyers, dead, in a pile at the bottom of the ocean?

A Good Start!

 

[divedude]

djhall once bubbled...
From the Salt Lake Tribune:

"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

You just made my day

 

[scuberd]

mddolson once bubbled...
what do you call, 100 lawyers, dead, in a pile at the bottom of the ocean?

IN MY WAY!!!!

 

[wrongkey]

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman

 

[cat]

mddolson once bubbled...
what do you call, 100 lawyers, dead, in a pile at the bottom of the ocean?

A Good Start!

on a new artificial reef.

(Not a lawyer, but my brother-in-law is one.)