Laugh/food for thought

[cdiver2]

Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president.
She was right on with this one!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having
in this country lately: illegal immigration,
hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in
Florida ...


Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the
problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level
of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the
Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve
today ? Yes ?

Think about this one:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments



C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
that during the mad cow epidemic our government
could track a single cow, born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept
in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her
calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
our country. Maybe we should give each of them a
cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It
was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it
anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a
building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work
environment.

PART OF THE PROBLEM
Also, Think about this: If you don't want to
forward this for fear of offending
someone-- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

 

[NJMike]

Awesome stuff, man! Thanks, I needed a good laugh!

 

[cdiver2]

Another Laugh

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:



ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p..m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.