Jokes

[diverman]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[TexasMike]

Here are some of our funnier threads of the past....

Redneck Divers

Diving Song Parodies #1

Diving Song Parodies #2

Ocean Related Groaners

Crime and Pun-ishment


Fair Warning: If you insist on drinking liquids while reading the above referenced threads, have the paper towels ready to wipe off your monitor.

 

[TexasMike]

Many folks may remember that back in the frontier days of the United States, there sometimes weren't enough preachers to head up all the country churches. So often there were preachers called "circuit riders" would would go from frontier town to frontier town spreading the Gospel.

One of these was Joseph who had been a circuit rider for many years. And all these years he had the same horse. And while the horse was a great companion, it was getting on in years and was about time for Joseph to retire him.

So as Joseph rode from town to town, he would look over the different herds with an eye out for a replacement horse.

The one day, he was riding along, he saw a fellow on a beautiful chestnut mare. While that was nothing much in those days, what astounded Joseph was the way the rider controlled the horse.

Now when most folks wanted a horse to get going, they would say "Giddyup!". And when they wanted it to stop, they would say "Whoa!"

But as Joseph watched in amazement, the when the rider said "Praise the Lord!", the mare would pick up and canter as smooth as you please. And when he said "Amen!", the mare would stop in it's tracks as if it had run into a Wylie Coyote Acme brand flypaper.

"Oh boy!" thought Joseph. "That's the horse for me! Just think how all of the parishoners will be impressed when they see me on that mare and how by just saying "Praise the Lord" I can make it run and how it will stop by saying "Amen"."

So after some haggling, and assurances that the old horse would be well look after, Joseph took possesion of the mare.

And he was right, the parishoners were very impressed to see Joseph come riding into their towns on this fine mare and how he could make the horse run by saying "Praise the Lord!" and stop with "Amen!"

Several months go by and Joseph finds himself behind schedule. So he decides to take a shortcut to the next town through a dangerous mountain pass that is full of bad trails, small ledges, and steep drop offs.

After a starting through the pass, a severe thunderstorm begins to rage all about Joseph and the mare. As they pick their way along the dangerous path, the storm seems to rival the fury of the one that made Noah an admiral with high winds, loud thunder, and driving rain.

The suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes a tree right next to the trail and spooks the mare. She takes off running with Joseph barely able to cling to the wet saddle.

"WHOA!" he yells, "WHOA!!! STOP!! WHOA!!!" He keeps yelling as he pulls on the reigns trying desperate to control the mare before they both plunge to their deaths in the deep ravine.

This goes on for quite a while with the mare barely staying on the path. Joseph, who is scared out of his wits does the best thing he can think of.....pray. And because he's scared he prays out load at the top of his voice, finally ending with a very loud "AMEN!!!"

Hearing that, the mare skids to a stop bare inches where the trail has been destroyed by a landslide and the only thing infront of them is empty space down to the bottom of the canyon floor.

Joseph tales out his hankerchief and wipes his adrenalin soaked brow as both he and the mare catch their breath. Then when he feels brave enough, he looks at just how close he and the mare came to meeting their doom.

And seeing that it was just inches, he looks up at the sky, and says in a loud voice, "Praise the Lord!"

 

[Jonathan]

diverman - you might want to read Peter's joke again

Dyslexia Rules - KO!

Jonathan

 

[wch]

Texas Mike,
Thank you for the great links, I write this with tears in my eyes from the laughter. Only half way through the redneck jokes, gotta go back!

Bill

 

[Welshman]

George goes to the golf club. As he walks into the locker room he sees Fred whose wife had died recently.

"Fred, I'm awfully sorry to hear about your wife", says George, "How did it happen?"

"Thanks George. It's been very difficult", says Fred.

"We were out playing golf. She'd just hit a beautiful tee shot to the short 7th hole when she collapsed. Despite all my efforts she was dead on the spot."

"That must have been terrible", says George

"Indeed it was", says Fred, "Play a shot, drag the wife, play a shot,drag....

 

[scuberd]

Originally posted by sdexcalibur
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree..................................



Because he was dead

why did the second monkey fall out of the tree??

he was stapled to the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree??

peer presure

why did the lizerd fall out of the tree??

he was doing a monkey inpersonation

 

[DameDykker]

Five surgons were talking one day discussing which kind of patints they liked best.
The first prefered bookkeepers because everything inside was numbered.
The second prefrede libraryans because everthing inside was in alfabetic order.
The third preferede electricians because everthing inside was coulor coded.
The forth preferede lawyers because they don't have any hart or spine and you can interchange head and a$$.
The fifth preferede engineers because they are very understanding if there are a few pieces left over afterwards!

 

[song]

A man gets on a plane & finds his seat. Next to him is a prim & proper little old lady. The man starts reading his newspaper when he notices the little old lady raise a white linen hanky to her nose. She sneezes, then begins trembling all over. He returns to his paper. The lady again raises the hanky, sneezes, and shakes & trembles. A few minutes pass, and she repeats the sneezing and trembling. Finally the guy inquires, "Are you okay? You seem to really be affected by all this sneezing."

The lady answers, "I've got a unique medical condition. Each time I sneeze it causes me to have an orgasm."

The man is dumbstruck. "Are you taking anything for that?"

She replies, "Yes. Pepper."

 

[sdexcalibur]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step
on the Ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has
ever laid her eyes on. very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't
know about you, but I stepped on a duck."