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FLORIDA HURRICANE PREPARATION (also applies to C.A.) by Dave Barry
We're at the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to
be glued to the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob and
make two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) Your area will be wiped out. So say good by to your home.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to
the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Since you didn't listen the
first time, here is a refresher course:
Based on our insurance industry surveys, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three weeks.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) Its well-built, like an old above ground nuclear bomb proof shelter and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like a blind date with BO.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. Providing you installed them right and your spouse likes the
color. The down side; druggies will try to move in at night.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December, time to take them
down before your Northern relatives arrive for the holidays.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantages are; your roof may
blow off and you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
Duct tape is out of style now. But it can be handy after the storm leaves to
silence your screaming spouse because you did not take proper precautions
and now you have to live for the next 12 months in a shell of a house until
you can take advantage of normal construction price gouging.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles testing your choice of window shutters.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic
jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. Bring along a full extra
gas can, should your fancy SUV runs out of gas while stuck on the Interstate
parking lot with the A/C running. If you don't want to get a high on the gas
can's fumes in your SUV, eat beans and buy a puddle jumper with a methane
gas engine for an affordable low cost of $50,000 (A/C extra; a self
contained, hand held battery operated fan).
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of cat food or punctured water bottle.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be either the wrong size for the flashlights or they
expired.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate your new neighbors; alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy
a generator and two pints of gas from a man with dark sunglasses, big smile
and a Northern accent.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television if you have a generator that's working to keep the TV going
and watching well-fed Northern TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you for 12 to 18 hours, over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean while the local
surfers do their thing in the back ground.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise!!!!
We're at the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now, you're going to
be glued to the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob and
make two basic meteorological points.
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) Your area will be wiped out. So say good by to your home.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to
the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the
possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Since you didn't listen the
first time, here is a refresher course:
Based on our insurance industry surveys, we recommend that you follow this
simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three weeks.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) Its well-built, like an old above ground nuclear bomb proof shelter and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that
might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer
not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to
the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like a blind date with BO.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. Providing you installed them right and your spouse likes the
color. The down side; druggies will try to move in at night.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December, time to take them
down before your Northern relatives arrive for the holidays.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantages are; your roof may
blow off and you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.
Duct tape is out of style now. But it can be handy after the storm leaves to
silence your screaming spouse because you did not take proper precautions
and now you have to live for the next 12 months in a shell of a house until
you can take advantage of normal construction price gouging.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles testing your choice of window shutters.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The
purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic
jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely. Bring along a full extra
gas can, should your fancy SUV runs out of gas while stuck on the Interstate
parking lot with the A/C running. If you don't want to get a high on the gas
can's fumes in your SUV, eat beans and buy a puddle jumper with a methane
gas engine for an affordable low cost of $50,000 (A/C extra; a self
contained, hand held battery operated fan).
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of cat food or punctured water bottle.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be either the wrong size for the flashlights or they
expired.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate your new neighbors; alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy
a generator and two pints of gas from a man with dark sunglasses, big smile
and a Northern accent.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television if you have a generator that's working to keep the TV going
and watching well-fed Northern TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you for 12 to 18 hours, over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean while the local
surfers do their thing in the back ground.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise!!!!
