How to handle non diving husband who is being difficult....

[Bratface]

I suspect he may not want another man seeing you in your swim suit, being your buddy, you are spending too much money, who knows? Pick one or several. I wish he could understand how you feel but he is being stubborn about this. Maybe he would like to try a Discover Scuba course and go with you? I am a bit alarmed that you are hiding your newly purchased BC from him. I think if you are able to sit down and calmly discuss it, you both may gain a little understanding about what's going on. Some men fear independent women. Maybe he feels threatened by your newly found freedom in a sport that doesn't include him. Sit down and talk it out.

PS: Has he ever considered spear fishing?

 

[spectrum]

I suspect he may not want another man seeing you in your swim suit, being your buddy, you are spending too much money, who knows? Pick one or several. I wish he could understand how you feel but he is being stubborn about this. Maybe he would like to try a Discover Scuba course and go with you? I am a bit alarmed that you are hiding your newly purchased BC from him. I think if you are able to sit down and calmly discuss it, you both may gain a little understanding about what's going on. Some men fear independent women. Maybe he feels threatened by your newly found freedom in a sport that doesn't include him. Sit down and talk it out.

PS: Has he ever considered spear fishing?

I hope that's not a segue from motive to means!

 

[Tigerman]

I feel that some people here are suggesting that if his problem is that he feels threatened by the ops new hobby/freedom/self realization the solution is to include him.
Personally, that sounds to me like the very much discussed topic here on SB about equipment solutions to skill issues. Im no marital counselor, but it sounds VERY unhealthy to me to treat a control issue by giving him more control - IF that is infact the underlying issue..

 

[morecowbells]

Sometimes it becomes more and more difficult dealing with change and stepping out of your comfort zone as you get used to the comforts of routines and habits. Perhaps your husband feels that that instead of simply trying to grow and excel in your hobby that it is interpreted as growing apart. As mentioned above, he may be acting out of fear towards any adverse events which he envisions you may encounter, or simply he may be intimidated by the prospect that you will be on a boat full of Ryan Gosseling type jocks and he will feel left out. As humans, when we feel out of control or inadequate, we tend to get defensive. Once he realizes that your passion to dive is no longer a threat, he may become supportive.

The question begs as how to implement such a balance. I will preface my suggestions by acknowledging that I deeply lack the intellect, education or credentials of other forum members. Alas, I am a female who has been married to 21 years. The key to maintaining Glasnost is to utilize basic philosophies from two different movies, 'Inception' and 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'. 1) You need to plant the idea into his brain and nurture into fruition. 2) You need to let your husband think that he came up with the idea all by himself. Some examples may be suggesting that a vacation be spent visiting the Precious Moments museum in Carthage Missouri, touring the Longaberger Basket factory in Ohio, indulging your summer vacation with a visit to a year-round Santa Village, or the ultimate threat of spending a weekend at an outlet mall. Most men would cringe and in the spirit of negotiation you would be surprised by the level of compromise which they will engage in. Manipulative behavior? Definitely! Just make sure it doesn't backfire

Good luck and I agree with the other posters about keeping him involved.

 

[Ayisha]

...it sounds VERY unhealthy to me to treat a control issue by giving him more control - IF that is infact the underlying issue..

Nah, it's just the illusion of control.

 

[AfterDark]

The only thing I can add to the great advice you've gotalready is this, divers aren't the most popular people with anglers for a lotof unfounded reasons and probably a few real ones. He may be concerned what other anglers willsay. If control issues are at that theforefront he may be using the "what the guys will say" to mask hiscontrol issue from himself. I don’tthink it is control issues however because of your other hobby, kayaking? It doesn’t create the same reaction.
I'll be married 39 years come July to a wonderful woman that claimed when we first met to be fascinated by my diving hobby. Shortly after we were married (about 25 dives after the wedding as I like remembering it) that fascination turned into a problem. It was taking too much time away from us. Mind you I did local diving not traveling around the world. I’d be gone a few hours to make a dive or two one day/night occasionally two per week sometimes on a weekend day I’d be gone all day on a buddies boat. An invite to her for a boat ride would be refused; somehow that wasn’t part of the “separation” in her mind only my diving. I’d only been diving 5 years and had no intention of stopping. We came very close to divorce. Consulting helped save our marriage. She was able to see thru third party eyes that she was over controlling. I was able to see that my reactions weren't helpful. We’ve been snorkeling, boating with friends for years now. There’s a nice cove in Newport where she snorkels while I scuba outside the cove in the ocean. We’ve had a nice life that has included a lot of diving. I sincerely hope you and he can work this out.

 

[ladyfishdvr]

LOL. No one can control you unless you let them. And being in my 50's I don't look so hot in a bathing suit anymore and I put my wetsuit on in the changing room because its not that warm here yet. I am pretty sure that he just needed to get his mind around this and adjust. He is slow to change and I am not. I just seem to never be able to remember that. Right now he is fishing and I am going diving today.

 

[AfterDark]

LOL. No one can control you unless you let them. And being in my 50's I don't look so hot in a bathing suit anymore and I put my wetsuit on in the changing room because its not that warm here yet. I am pretty sure that he just needed to get his mind around this and adjust. He is slow to change and I am not. I just seem to never be able to remember that. Right now he is fishing and I am going diving today.

That's good to hear! Controlling someone that allows control doesn't create problems. When somebody tries to controls someone that refuses to be controlled that's when the fireworks start. My wife can attest to that! Good luck and safe diving.

 

[Wineaux]

I'm glad to hear he is coming around! Enjoy your dive!

 

[FinnMom]

This is a good thread because diving enthusiast + non-diving spouse/sig. other is a problem for lots of couples. It has to get a little thorny when only one of you wants to do something that can absorb a lot of free time & investment and maybe even vacation days/money spent doing things only a diver would 100% find interesting. It really doesn't help when most of the friends that join us on dive trips are mostly of the opposite sex.

My husband used to spend 30+ days away from home playing w/ racing cars. The rest of us were free to join him, but he was where he wanted to be and I accepted it. As the kids grew & freed up my spare time, I finally had the freedom to spend my spare time doing what I wanted to do -mostly diving. 15+ years later hubby got tired of racing and started being home a lot more. Suddenly it was a terrible thing that I also had my own activities and wasn't home much. I generally feel less than sympathetic. I figure he owes me at least 15 years of it being MY TURN.

We're working on it. I suspect lots of 1-diver couples are working on the same conflict now & again too.