How do I keep my male dive buddy from taking over the dive?

[FreeFloat]

Plan ahead with your friend to do a reeaaaal Sloooooow dive. If he keeps rushing ahead give him hell for not staying with his buddies. Tell him he's setting a poor example as a dive master. Repeat as necessary.

Then be proactive, let him get ahead, stop and give the out of air signal and see how long it takes him to see it. Tell him he's setting a poor example as a dive master. Repeat as necessary.

I second this motion. This was my first thought - although I admit I hadn't thought of giving an OOA.

You two are being the more responsible divers for putting up with all his "DM"-ing. Diving needs to be a shared experience and right now it looks as if it has become an "I'll-lead-you-guys-follow-me" thing.

 

[TwoTanks]

I think he will grow out of it. I would expect him to start returning to normal about a dozen dives after the class ends.

If not then you should probably consider doing as chud says "stab him"

You could also plan a few dives when he can't make it, that may send a message too.
If your friend feels the same way, maybe she could talk to him better.

TT

 

[downunderjenn]

Man, he's bad. I thought I was Rambo. Yeah, he needs to focus on real problems. By being so ancy, he could miss real problems. He needs to be calm. Being calm will keep others calm. It sounds like he's even upsetting mature divers. I know he could miss problems, because I've been concerned about my gear, but missed the guy who didn't bungee his tank, or didn't connect his inflator hose. If he's concerned about the wrong things at the wrong times, he'll lose sight of real trouble. A person in OOA or panic will be fairly obvious. Also, why doesn't he slow down, and then ask you how much air you have by pointing to HIS guage, if he's concerned about OOA. That is how you prevent it, by watching your air consumption. His instructor may have said something, but he may have not listened.

In class, it's simple, watch students, do what instructor says, let them goof off a little with a close eye on them, be serious when they do something out of hand, and keep calm. When giving tours, be slow, calm, and responsive. I'm often too hands on for really new divers, but my AOW and OW buddies, on my own time, I really treat as buddies more than students (and I'm still learning all of this each day; diving with buddies is more difficult than solo in some respects). There is a difference, and it is taxing on the DM to control other divers. However, I really only control buoyancy, in the up fashion mostly, making sure they don't lose control and go up.

We all make mistakes. I recently made one, and our mistakes are at this point mistakes with how we handle helping other divers. It's a huge learning curve, along with everything else that goes on. I've done my speed diving, good to know my limits, not good to drag others along. I would not buddy dive with him until I made it clear I don't want him touching my gear or me, and that I want him to slow down and act like a buddy. I've had buddies that said, you went WAY too fast for me. Next time you do that, I stop; I listen, now. Also, I follow a lot of the time on dives. Who made him the dive planning authority? What makes him think you're all of a sudden bad divers? I have seen very good OW divers, and really bad ones. The certification does not verify the type of diver a person is. The person verifies that. I've also seen very bad rescue divers.

Conclusion: he needs to relearn buddy skills and calm down or he will incite panic.

 

[downunderjenn]

ZenDiver is one of the best buddies I've had! He stays where I can see him next to me, and so he can see me, within reach, has good buoyancy, and follows rules like SAFE (Slowly ascend from every dive) and safety stops. He lets me know when I'm too fast or if he has a question. We use slates and notes sometimes, and we dive the same area often, so we sometimes get to our destination, and then go which way? I dunno and don't care. Whichever, so we pick a direction. We know the contour of the land, so it's not like we'll get lost. He's responsive, and fun. We may get bored, blow bubbles, or goof off, hover upside down, somersault.

Other good dive buddies include my cave buddy, our DIT, our soon to be DIT, and the guy that told me to slow down or he'd stop. They all dive within limits and let me know when I'm a goober.

 

[saltwater taffy]

:1poke: I always believe that honesty is the best policy. Why not tell him what is annoying you? Don't beat around the bush---tell him just like it is. If that doesn't work, turn his air off!!!!!!!!!!!! Just kidding.

SWT

 

[MyDiveLog]

There's nothing more irritating than a newly reformed _____ (fill in the phrase). People who just quit smoking are the most obnoxious about other's smoking. Ditto for people who just 'found God,' new doctors... and new instructors/DMs.

As someone in the process of becoming a scuba instructor I would DEFINATELY want someone to tell me that I was being an 'over the top' *** and, moreover, a bad DM/buddy. He should have complimented you on your slow ascent, not dragged you to the surface. Similarly, 'speed diving' is a classic beginner mistake and one he should not be demonstrating to his students; you burn through air quickly, scare off the sea life you are diving to see, and blow past most of the interesting (often disguised) stuff. My best dives have been ones where I ... puttered ... enticing an octopus to come out to play, finding the moray eel that others miss, or just enjoying the way the sunlight plays on the reef.

As for practical advice: You need to give him feedback in a time, place, and manner that he can accept it. His SO obviously isn't comfortable doing this, so I wouldn't make this an issue between her and him. Time & place means NOT in the 'heat of battle' (i.e. not before, during, or after a dive). I'd recommend inviting him out alone for a cup of coffee in the near future, saying that 'you'd like his help on something." There's just something about us males that, when confronted, makes us throw up our defenses and dig in our heels. Ask us something nicely and with a bit of sweetness and we'll bend over backward to help you.

Manner: I'd recommend that you start with all the positives noted in the earlier e-mail...how you're impressed that he's working to become a better diver, how you see his skills improving, etc. Then GENTLY transition into a discussion around how you FEEL about the recent trend in your diving together .... no one can argue with how you feel. Something like "I'm a good diver, but feel judged, incompetent, and rushed when we three dive together," etc. Perhaps point out that his 'stepping to the fore' to plan dives, debrief after dives, etc. is taking the fun out of it for you. While you appreciate his suggestions from time to time, you need to be putting your own gear together and diving at your own pace.

End with some strokes (repeat some of the stuff at the beginning) and concrete suggestions that might be win win. Perhaps he can take the lead on every 3rd dive, playing the passive role of a buddy, so that you and your friend can lead some dives. If he wants to practice his skills as a DM, then he can know that every 3rd dive togehter he'll be able to do so.

You can end with a tactful, heartfelt ... threat. Something like "You guys are really important friends and dive budddies of mine and I'd hate to lose you over something like this. Can we work together to improve things?"

In the end, you have to be willing to walk away from him, and probably also your friend, as dive partners if nothing changes....no one has the right to make you feel bad, or inept about your diving.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Phil

 

[SubMariner]

Manner: I'd recommend that you start with all the positives noted in the earlier e-mail...how you're impressed that he's working to become a better diver, how you see his skills improving, etc. Then GENTLY transition into a discussion around how you FEEL about the recent trend in your diving together .... no one can argue with how you feel. Something like "I'm a good diver, but feel judged, incompetent, and rushed when we three dive together," etc. Perhaps point out that his 'stepping to the fore' to plan dives, debrief after dives, etc. is taking the fun out of it for you. While you appreciate his suggestions from time to time, you need to be putting your own gear together and diving at your own pace.

Although I don't necessarily agree with the rest of your post (I think it's not the poster who needs to work anything, just the DM Wannabe) the above is spot on.

DSDO,

 

[Aquawookie]

How about emailing your friend with the link to this thread?
That would get the message accross too.

 

[chrisch]

Report him to PADI. No-one like that is fit to be a Divemaster. Report the instructor too.

Chris

 

[Mako Mark]

Hmmm, the old "dive nice guy turns Dive Nazi during Divemaster" sindrome.

Unfortunately, not as uncommon as you would think.

You could get a new dive buddy.

Ask him which dive he wants to do, then choose one that he wont want to do and organise him an alternative buddy.

Tell him that you work for the PADI Police, and that you have to give him a ticket for speeding.

Ask him if his instructor has talked to him about that overcontrol problem he was having.

Invent a new handsignal for "BACK OFF, BUTT OUT AND BUGGER OFF", even better print it on a postcard sized paper, laminate it and pull it out of your pocket when needed.

and remember, men are honest, simple and dont take hints. Take the frying pan approach.