How do I keep my male dive buddy from taking over the dive?

[ckbonder]

I've been diving with my best friend and her S/O for more than two years now. We usually ended up diving as a trio without any problems. We checked each other's gear, planned out dives together, etc. We all got our rescue diver certs at about the same time. Diving together was really fun.

But now her S/O is working on his divemaster cert and has started taking over everything. He's deciding the dive plan (which ends up being like a class instead of relaxing and fun), insists on setting up our gear (as if we were students at the start of our first pool session), wants us to do skills like buddy breathing, mask removal, hovering and so forth on every dive, then swims as fast as he can from point a to point b, won't let us stop to look at anything (since we can't let him go on ahead by himself) and worst of all, spends the drive home criticizing our buoyancy, technique, breathing rate, etc.

Last week my friend and I were diving with our new dive computers for the first time. We ended up pausing in our travel across the lake a few times to practice reading the information and he immediately assumed we were "having a problem" and were about to go into full blown panic. Evey two minutes thereafter he'd be tugging on one or another of our fins and giving us the "Are you OK?" then when we did our ascent he thought we were having problems becuase we were ascending more than twice as slowly as he was (our new computers have much more conservative ascent rates programmed in them than his older computer does). When my girl friend and I paused at 10 feet he grabbed our BCs and hauled us up to the surface so fast that my computer went into violation mode.

I gave him hell for it, since he could have caused all of us to get DCS. But he hasn't changed his behavior. I've already mentioned this to his instructor but as far as I can tell the instructor hasn't said anything to him.

On Sunday we went to the lake to dive. He was assisting with a class so my girlfriend and I got to dive by ourselves. We took 40 minutes to cover the same area he makes us cover in 15 minutes. We found all sorts of intersting freshwater fish and other critters that we never had the chance to observe before. It was a wonderfully relaxing dive. But when we got out of the water he was mad as hell because we didn't wait for him to get done with the class so he could dive with us.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to prevent or stop this kind of behavior? Directly confronting him about the issue doesn't work and I don't really want to ditch him as a dive companion because then I'd not be able to dive with my girlfriend. Is this something he'll outgrow once he's completed his divemaster certification? Or am I stuck with a control freak dive buddy?

Christine :bfish:

 

[ScottNY]

"Is this something he'll outgrow once he's completed his divemaster certification?"

Probably. Doctors and Nurses, after going through some pathogen classes see germs everywhere. Then they calm down. New EMTs and Medics run the full checklist until they learn how to focus on the chief problem.

He'll probably calm down. If he doesn't. Options...

* Have your friend deny him sex until he does as you all want. Then again, as a guy, I'm not sure it's legal according to guy rules to even suggest this.

* I don't think you're going to be able to just deal with it head on. That is, you'll have to stroke his ego first... explain that you're impressed that he's gaining these new skills and appreciate the fresh advice. But explain that diving with him when he's 100% in "instructor" mode just isn't as much fun as it used to be. (A much different argument than just a "control" thing. Maybe That will get through.)

Maybe explain that you understand he's trying out his new skills on his favorite people, and you're happy to have helped and continue to help. And ask him how he intends to set his students free. That is, ask him if when he's teaching he's trying to make his students safe and self-sufficient or just show how much he knows, even if it's only because he's trying to reinforce his own knowledge.

These things may help shut him down a bit. Remember, it is hard to learn to teach. Especially things that are potentially risky.

I'm sure others will have more suggestions. Worst case, if he doesn't learn to get it, start diving without him. Then he'll either straighten out and if not, it'll be crystal clear he just won't be fun for you anymore.

Scott

 

[CHUD]

Do you carry a dive knife? Stab him with it.

 

[H2Andy]

hehehe... i admit that the Pavlov thing is tempting. rather than aggravated assault,
i would suggest:

1. when he does something annoying below water, ignore him and do your thing. if he
persists, yank his mask off. even with an iq of -56, he will figure things out soon enough

2. when he does something annoying above water, say "this is not fun for me. i would like to
do _____" Repeat ad nauseum.

 

[Campurr]

I second the dive knife stabbing

 

[scubasean]

Just tell him that he can come along with you and his S/O only if he is able to treat you and she as dive buddies and not students...Its as simple as that...

But, it is the S/O who should do the telling...If she won't, then you can always find a new buddy

In compatible buddies, dive styles, motivations, and goals need to be similar...

 

[scuba_luv]

Just tell him that he can come along with you and his S/O only if he is able to treat you and she as dive buddies and not students...Its as simple as that...

But, it is the S/O who should do the telling...If she won't, then you can always find a new buddy

In compatible buddies, dive styles, motivations, and goals need to be similar...

Well, but, there's something to be said for speaking up about what bothers YOU.
Even if it really bothers her, she's still unlikely to get in the middle of the discussion/argument between you two. She's probably handling it when she's alone with him.
On the other hand, there's nothing that says you two can't figure out a plan of action and work together to get him to realize how annoying his current dive behavior is.
Some of the suggestions offered earlier could be very helpful (including the knife ), but you and your friend could have a commiseration/brainstorming session to figure out what to do. She's likely to be a good ally in this, and sometimes two on one intervention works, but sometimes you just have to have two people hammering home the same message separatly and together for a while before it really sinks in.

 

[DennisS]

Plan ahead with your friend to do a reeaaaal Sloooooow dive. If he keeps rushing ahead give him hell for not staying with his buddies. Tell him he's setting a poor example as a dive master. Repeat as necessary.

Then be proactive, let him get ahead, stop and give the out of air signal and see how long it takes him to see it. Tell him he's setting a poor example as a dive master. Repeat as necessary.

 

[WaterDawg]

"* Have your friend deny him sex until he does as you all want. Then again, as a guy, I'm not sure it's legal according to guy rules to even suggest this.

How dare you! I will report you!

Really I think DennisS is right talk to him first if he dosent stop do YOUR own dive and let him make the mistakes. We had one hard headed individual here that had that same problem one guys stoped for something and the idiot grabbed him and yanked him down I wanted to cut his hose but letting him f*#k up would be the better choice

 

[grits61]

Could you possibly talk about how much fun you have had on "old" dive trips, reminiscing about how relaxing and fun they were, and ask him if he had noticed that the more recent dives were not as much fun? Maybe he doesn't realize how much of a pain he is being. Also, preface any suggestions with "I feel ___(fill in the blank, hurried, rushed, etc.) when I have to dive as if a new student." Be sure to express how you are feeling, not blaming him! (Stroking his ego kind of thing)!