I am new to diving so I will leave explaining how to do skills or steps involved to others. To me, this sounds like a problem that can mostly be solved using logic. Quicklynx is obviously very intelligent and is used to solving problems all of the time. As a pilot, he does that a lot. It sounds like he already knows the problems, has the answers, and would like confirmation of the answers.
I sounds to me that most people are recommending taking small steps to get to the goal. That works for a lot of people, but it doesn't work for me most of the time.
What I wasn't prepared for was how fast paced this course is once we hit the water.
Now you know. How do you solve that? I would go online, watch videos that take me through the steps involved and talk to other divers. I would learn the basics of the steps in advance. By that I do not mean knowing how to do these, but knowing what is going to happen next. Then when the instructor told me how to do something, I repeat it back to them. "So, to clear my mask I hold my fingers to the top, lean my head back and blow out through my nose. Is that correct?" You can slow it down to your pace and comfort level without falling behind the class.
The first thing we did was try to go under.
I am still trying to figure out the correct weight. I suggest asking them to put too much weight on in the shallow end, sit down, then take out 2 weights, put them beside me on the floor and see what happened. At some point you will get the correct weight amount. If you have any problems, you can always stand up. It isn't the conventional way, but it would work and allow you to practice breathing under water while completing a task at the same time.
We went under again and we did the mask clearing, but I was still struggling just to control my buoyancy.
Yup. I had to solve the first problem before going on to the next problem. I could not learn to control the rudder when I could not get off the ground. One step at a time.
Next it sounds like the wetsuit and fins caused physical problems. You know how to solve that.
He is a pilot. He does things in the air that most of us cannot do, do not know how to do, and if there is a problem, have no idea what the answer is. He solves problems using logic and knowledge that most of us do not even realize are possible. He has conquered fear before with knowledge. It doesn't make it easier, it just tells you how.
How do I get out of a flat spin? (Yes, I watched Top Gun as a kid.) I will bet dollars to donuts that Quicklynx can explain it and can do it one step at a time. He's got this when he decides to take scuba lessons again. Confidence, the correct equipment and some basic knowledge of what to expect can help make this possible.
I hope you get the chance to enjoy diving with your wife. I can envy you for that.