This was not a class, or an instructor - student situation.
I think you've hit on an important point with this statement. The OP hired a personal DM. And PADI DMs are allowed to do "refresher" courses (what PADI has rebranded "Reactivate".) Of course PADI DMs know the standards and procedures for running a refresher course, but people like the OP do not.
Which creates a seriously ambiguous situation like the one presented by the OP. He hired the DM because he and his wife were out of practice... so was this just another "DM leads people on a dive" situation, or was it a more formal (from the perspective of the OP) "refresher course"? The OP and DM might have had different expectations from their arrangement.
When the DM was hired to be their private DM, the burden of establishing the details of the arrangement falls on the DM, i.e. what his role will be during the dive, what the OP and his wife should and should not expect from the DM, etc etc, and it appears the DM failed to do that.