Are Americans Mad?

[Laurence Stein DDS]

tampascott


COFFEE

Larry Stein

I believe there was a second. The first guy saved up his heart attack by waiting all year for the event.

Seems I'm in the gallows humor sort of mood.

 

[booga_roo]

As the person who posted the poll in the first place, I am pleased to report that 31 percent of respondents DO believe that GENERALLY Americans are mad.

(For all you solicitors out there please note that the results in no way reflect the opinions and or beliefs of the poster ie Me)

Face it guys... your reputation preceeds you.

Love and Peace to all

Booga

PS as a Brit, I have OK teeth as do most of us. Our mouths are just smaller so you don't see them that often.

(and with that comment I shall now run for cover from the inevitable flack)

 

[JustAddWater]

So there is a reason for that stiff upper lip.
Cheers,
JAW

 

[Laurence Stein DDS]

Calling all lawyers...

Coal Miners Rescue Violations


A Senate Committee composed of Senators Daschle, Clinton, and Feinstein have announced that the rescue of the Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine.

The Senators noted the following violations in the rescue process:

10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for possible air pollution.

9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water.

8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study.

7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity of the rescue workers.

6. The Governor of Pennsylvania was heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation of church and state.

5. Several people at this public, government supported, rescue mentioned praying.

4. The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross section of American society.

3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given sufficient time to make speeches at the site.

2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood.

And Number 1. No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine rescues.

"Once a diversified group of miners has been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned to the mine, and the rescue will then be undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee noted

 

[Jonathan]

Sounds about right!

And my personal favorite:

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for > the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****". (sorry censor got me but I think you know - the one starting with sh..)

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

 

[SM Diver]

That was so dark, it went right over my head, Larry.

 

[King_Neptune]

Ya know, having worked pretty closely with many of the fellow "Special Op" guys from other countries like Brits or the guys Down Under, I found a few common sediments that are actually sort of funny how strong they run.

When I was reading this I couldn't help but call up a friend that was in the SF in Britian for many years. Both he and his wife now live here in the US but although much of the accent is gone, every now and then (especially when doing some heavy drinking) that ol Brit in them comes out. We had some good laughs and I thought I would kind of condense and repost the ones we could agree on...

2) [red]There is no such thing as "US English"[/red] - Jealousy shows its head in many fashions. Any group of people that can split away to become THEE WORLD POWER on the globe, can kind of call it anything they want.

3) [red]learn to distinguish the English and Aussy accents[/red] - Now I even asked a former Biz partner of mine (that is and always has lived Down Under) and he had never heard this one before, neither have I nor my British friend. The 2 different accents are so different I've never ever heard of anyone confusing them, where did this come from? (Now, my Aussy buddy had a quick come back for it - He said the Brits WISH they sounded like the Aussies! hehe and said that would be another one to chalk up to Jealousy - LOL)

4) [red]Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys[/red] - Now my Aussie buddy was the first to crack back with "You Americans and your damn Documentries" ... LOL ... And the Brit said, "So what's the problem, sometimes the Villian is the hardest role to play - and show me anyone that could have played a better Hanibal". Besides, the other main stream Brits do it to themself, ie Hugh Grant - Enough said!

5) [red]You should relearn your original national anthem[/red] - Now found this one, especially as a formerly injured in combat veteran, to actually be rather insulting, not much bothers me but that one hit home. The 2 friends of mine both said the same thing, "Ohhhh, those are fitting words, you would think they/we learned our/their lesson the first time they got their butts spanked". And the other conclusion they both laughed about (especially from the Aussy towards the Brit) was it was that ugly Jealousy again showing its head again.

6) [red]American "football" is not a very good game / 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders / like nancies / kevlar body armour[/red]...

Well, if this one doesn't really show the true colors. The color of JEALOUSY once again. Actually, the first words out of the Brits mouth was, "Oh now whoever said that is just a bloody tard". Although the Aussie was a little less quick to reply as he knew what was about to be said and that meant bagging on one of his favorite sports. But the Brit immediately and the Aussie eventually gave in to the following:
a) The Brits have to say that, they don't have anyone bigger than "Hugh Grant" to show as a "Rough and Tough kind of guy".
b) Not a very good game? Why? Because you'd never be able to play a sport that has a Height Requirement? Or throughout the entire stacked "sardine can" you live on there is no room to Grow a Human that is strong enough or tough enough to live through a game that includes Physical Contact with healthy men that is upwards of 450lb of raw ugly and live to tell about it?
c) Aware that there is a world outside our borders? Pretty ignorant words from a place that if it wasn't for us you would have to exchange your National Motto from "God save the Queen" to "Heil Hitler".
d) Like Nancies? 1stly, you're the one that uses words like "Nancies" ... I am be able to rest my case there! But of course I just cant, lol. 2ndly, see points a,b and c above.
e) This last point in this one from the Aussie, right after he said he wanted to know where 'this guy' gets off lumping Aussies in with Brits to begin with said... "I can think of 2 words that best describe the Brits problem" ... And after a few friendly yet heated exchanges between the two others on the phone, the Aussie continued, "The Austrian Sigmond Freud diagnosed it best, with 2 words, the latter of which was the word 'E N V Y' and I'll leave you to the other word" ... After that, and a lot of static from the Brits side of the phone, LOL, his last words about this subject was, "Why do you think I moved" .. LOL

7. [red]You should declare war on Quebec and France[/red] - Now this one brough a lot of rib jabbing from the Aussie towards the Brit and basically the Brits response was, "Someone should kick this guys butt, he is just continually making us all look like Arses" .. lol ... The overall conclusion was, 1) At least the French were nice enough to admin their gratitude and send us a really cool "Action Figurine", we currently have her on display for all to see on Staten Island in New York Harbor. And 2) Fight your own battles, and make up your mind, either we are so dumb you shouldnt need our help, or your are conceeding your weekness and you need us to do your dirty work.

9. [red]All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean[/red] - Funny, since your own cars look like look like Clown Carts, or have 3 Wheels, drive on the wrong side of the road, or else you have to IMPORT cars from other countries and last but not least. The funniest thing of all is that you have to live on someone elses Name (German Car Makers) since you don't have anything of your own that anyone wants! The most prized cars in the world are German, Italian and American... Btw, did you forget who invented the First Car?

These last 2 I figured would be saved towards the end since they are close ...
8. [red]July 4th no longer a holiday... Nov 8th will be a new holiday ... It will be called "Indecisive Day"[/red]
and ...
10. [red]Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy[/red] -

As for JFK and Indecisive day, that is absolutely hillarious, coming from a place where the BIGGEST Government happenings are ...

(And tell me the following doesn't sound like the stupidest, makes you wanna barf, "Daytime Soap")

a) Whether Charles and Camilla will ever get married or just continue to ruin other people marriges romping around getting caught by the media at every turn.

b) Yammer about William and Harry and how they have been busted again, Drinking, Smoking Pot, Having sex or whatever, geezz, who cares!

c) OH OH OH, are Andrew and Fergy Co-Habitating? AGAIN WHO CARES, I mean, what are they, Primates? Do you reserve "Co-Habitating" for "Royalty" and "Zoo Animals" only? Geezz...

d) Or care that after Edward and Sophie got married Sophie used her new found Royalty to smooch it up with some of her big Publishing Clients? I mean, as if any other 1/2 brained human wouldnt do the same? DOH! She sounds like a woman with some brains, like, "THis is all pretty silly but heck, if you all wanna pay for it then, ok suckers, here ya are!"

e) and last but not least, Have a Queen that isnt a Queen of anything except sucking up the treasury having the taxpayers fork out for a Super Lavish lifestyle just so you can all play make believe and pretent to relish a time you could have never lived in and only possibly read in a history book, and only brings up memories of a foolish, dominating and abusive people that in the end can only resort to bagging on everyone else.

Btw, my Aussie buddy finished it all off with a statement that I am 100% behind, and I am actually Jealous of ...

In the Brits infinate knowledge, they PUNISHED a people by sending them to the Largest, most beautiful and Lavish virgin Island in the world! Oh Please Oh Please, Whip me, Beat me, Torture me by sending me to Australia !!!!

My Brit buddy finished it all off with the Following, "OOPPppsss ... Ya think we made a little mistake there? I mean, you are supposed to Send yourself to Paradise and leave the Bad Guys on the Gloomy smelly sinking rock! Tell whoever wrote these points to get a clue, didn't they ever hear the parable of pulling the BEAM out of your own eye before trying to get the splinter out of their brothers? Right about now I am embarrased to be associated with this tard" ... LOL


The overall feeling I got from both of them was as I had always thought of it myself, especially during and since my military service where I trained with many Aussie and British military as well.


The bottom line I would like to say is, in these days and ages, with the world in the state it is in, I would think you would, we all would, be better served speaking words of Unity and displaying a BOND of Friendship. The Brits should know better than anyone, being "A" world power or even "Thee" world power doesn't count for a bucket of spit when the rest of the world is against you! Why do you think so many Nations turn to the US when they need help? Well, I just hope that when, as France did many years ago, we need some help, that a) The rest of you are still around to be able to help, and b) That the help you can give us is enough to make a possitive difference!

 

[SM Diver]

LMAO. I have an English friend and, when into his pints, the discussion always turns very political. I think that in itself is an English thing, going back to the days when the ladies would go to the kitchen after dinner, and the gentlemen would retire to the cigar room to discuss the day's events. We've had many of these discussions, and more (spending a lot of time on the War for Independance).

Now, about attacking the French, let's not be too hasty in our judgment....

 

[raviepoo]

Thank you. That was hilarious! And the bit about our cars is right on target. It could have gone more in depth however and taken a shot at our gas-guzzling, road-tearing, easily tippable symbol of excess and greed the SUV.

 

[Jonathan]

King Neptune - sorry someone stole your sens of humour bone, let us know when you get it back ut: BTW tell your Aussie friend he sounds like a Kiwi - probably the same as saying you have a Canadian accent! Also ask him what POHM (correct spelling and not pomme which is actual french for apple) really means - and I am sure he would not have enjoyed the trip had he been making it! Times were hash in those early days, much like you goes going out west and survival of the fittest - so hats off to those that survived.

Still - don't often say this but I will be cheering on the Boks this weekend. As an outsider it would be good to see them win one, should be a good scrap - far more entertaining than that game you guys play! Another advantage to an international sport is you can watch it all year round - rather than just re-runs.

As to the Queen - she makes far more money for the country than she takes! Mostly off dopey Americans that can't seem to get enough of our royalty - especially those that buy the tat after traipsing round Buck House. I consider myself a monarchist and personally don't give a damn about C & C and as to the rest of you royalist comment I'll come back with your own sentiments - clean your own house first!

We invented trains - doesn't the current ones are any good.... Having said that check out the Japanese cars 99.9% of those are truely ugly.

Enough - this is taking up far too much time for a light hearted poke.....