Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[WOODMAN]

Splinters in the 'recreational area"...

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger environmentalist and a liberal Democrat purchased a tract of forest land in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points of her land. She wanted to get a good view of her property, so she started to climb the tree. Near the top she encountered a spotted owl which startled her so badly that she slid down the tree to escape. In the process she got several splinters in her crotch, and was in considerable pain.

She hastened to a local ER and told the attending doctor that she was an environmentalist and liberal Democrat, and how she came to get the splinters. He listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the exam room while he looked into the situation.

Three hours later he reappeared, and the angry woman asked him what was taking so long.

He smiled, and then told her, "Well, first I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility; but then Obama-Care turned you down due to lack of prior authorization."

 

[inventor]

Shouldn't Have Killed the SaberTooths....

Quotes from conversations today:

"You can't see Venus in the morning and at nighttime.
Moron.
They're at opposite parts of the sky."

Venus visible around sunrise and sunset.


"Blizzards are proof Global Warming isn't happening."

Shouldn't have killed the Sabertooths, they were keeping these folks from overbreeding.

 

[inventor]

Shouldn't Have Killed the SaberTooths....

Quotes from conversations today:

"You can't see Venus in the morning and at nighttime.
Moron.
They're at opposite parts of the sky."

Venus visible around sunrise and sunset.


"Blizzards are proof Global Warming isn't happening."

Shouldn't have killed the Sabertooths, they were keeping these folks from overbreeding.

 

[Jax]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior." With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time," I told him. "I'm going to Iraq." "Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over there?"

*****

Paul Newman founded the "Hole in the Wall Gang Camp" for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton." An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"

*****

God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

 

[AlbertaDan]

So this old Newfie goes to the doctor because ha hasn't bbeen feeling well for quite a while. The doctor tells him that he has waited too long and will be gone by morning. The old Newfie goes home and tells his wife.

She thinks to herself, well it's his last night so I'll make it special for him. She makes his favorite dinner, and spend the evening doing whatever he likes. When they go to bed they make love. After a while he taps her on the shoulder and they make love again. They roll over back to sleep. A little while later he taps her agina and they make love again, and she's done in. Absolutely exhausted. Afterwards they go back to sleep. A little while later he taps her shoulder again.

She replies in her exhaustion, "Well it's all right for you. You don't have to get up in the morning...

 

[DM95]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS


Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes - and here is why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in his behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).


Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her

 

[sibermike7]

What do you get when you give a liberal a penny for his thoughts?

Change!!

 

[DiveDocMD]

Bicycle ride.....

Two Women decided to get some exercise and ride bicycles into town. Once in town, the women turned down an old cobblestone side street.

The first Woman says, "I don't think I've ever come this way before."

The other woman replies, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobblestones!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Be careful what you purchase on eBay
>
> Spent $50 on a penis enlarger.
>
> Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
>
> Instructions said don't use in the sunlight

 

[pidgiepoo]

What do you get when you give a liberal a penny for his thoughts?

Change!!

Where the heck have you been ???????? I've missed you !!