Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press:
nothing will make you happy anyway.
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
* If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.
* If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
* If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
