I feel kind of bad for you guys.
Between myself and my children we've unfortunately had a number of hospitalizations and surgeries over the years. The insurance company hasn't consistently been the same (Cigna, Aetna, Blue Cross) but the experience has pretty much been the same. I go to the doctor or hospital. Give them my insurance card, they look up the copay and I pay it. Then I later get a letter from the insurance company bragging about how many thousands they paid on my behalf and that's pretty much it. Sometimes I encounter something that's covered on a percentage instead of flat copay (in 2018, Blue cross decided that MRI scans were like this) so my portion was 20% or $200. Still, it was simple and I either paid it or did not. I didn't have to fill out any crazy forms. Every time I've ever been in a hospital, they send a woman in with a pooter on a cart who takes my driver's license and insurance card and fills out everything. Generally there will be a signature required. That's it.
There's no "pre-authorizations" or "referrals" or any of that funny business.
There is a difference in "admitted" or not for ER stuff. If I get admitted, there is no copay at all. If I don't then the ER visit is $200. It's all fairly straightforward and there's detailed documentation I can download if I have a specific question. The insurance company generally has someone to ask in case I don't want to look it up myself.
The only thing that's ever difficult is dental. It's hard to find a dentist that will take aetna dental in my area. I did manage to find one eventually but it took a lot of searching, and I get a lot of scam-esque experiences like you guys describe when it comes to dental... like my "100% covered" cleanings end up costing $50-$100. It may very well be the dentist who is doing the screwing, but with no options for providers they get to treat you how they want. I don't even get flowers before I show up for an appointment or a kiss afterwards.
Next year we're being moved to some company I've never heard of; United healthcare. Hopefully I won't get an experience like you guys are describing.