maybepossibly
New
Background: technically I have OW and AOW certification. I did this over the course of ten days or so all at once, over a decade ago. I don't remember how I got through OW...I remember having quite a lot of anxiety and, at one point, freaking out during the 'take mask off/put back on' skill and bolting to the surface (very shallow water, obviously, but...yeah, that's bad). Clearly I went back and tried again and did it...well enough to pass, I guess. The AOW went smoothly, as far as I can recall.
Since then I've only snorkeled, occasionally. I like the water, love what's in it, want to see so much more of it. I thought recently I'd try the refresher course in a pool. And...I pretty much bombed it.
Well, okay, it could have gone worse, and again I technically completed most of the tasks, but oh my god, I ran out of air so fast because I could not calm down. There was much flailing around with the equipment, the weights, the BCD itself, my fingers getting stuck in the BCD, my mask getting stuck in my hair, couldn't get negative or even neutral buoyancy after sucking up most of my dang air, and I could not do the 'don't inhale for 30 seconds' task. Like basically the guy who tries to put on his sweater walking into the kitchen, accidentally puts his arm through the head-hole, then trips, knocks into a cabinet, and brings down all the pots and pans while all the plates in the cabinet spill out on the floor, but, yanno, the underwater/non-dishware version.
I dunno. Part of me thinks it's one of those things that a person can do if they try over and over again. But part of me also thinks I'm just never going to be chill enough for this. I should note here that my lack of chill is not a scuba-only thing. Never had an actual panic attack or anything extreme, but everything makes me nervous. Totally normal non-dramatic non-potentially-fatal things make me nervous. I mean, there's the "come on you can overcome this with exposure" argument but then there's the "yeah but you could REALLY kill yourself trying" argument. I'll be the pioneer who finds a way to choke herself on a fin strap or something, if I don't run out of air flipping out, or lose my s*** and bolt to the surface at a depth where that would be Very Bad. I don't know which argument holds more water. (ha haaaaaaa)
So...from here, I guess, I'm not sure how to proceed, or if to proceed at all. But if there is in fact any hope...should I just start over? OW again? Or refreshers in a pool over and over until I can do the tasks without struggling? Or do I try, you know, shallow guided dives, without all the flopping around with the equipment? Would that be confidence building or would that be stupid...I honestly can't tell. On the other hand--I could just stop trying. Plenty of places I haven't snorkeled at yet, yanno? Just wondering if the "omg QUIT QUIT NOW" impulse is an overreaction or...reasonable...
tl;dr: I have anxiety and much flailing re: multiple skills regarding the tasks one has to do for certification that I'm not sure if I can overcome; is it smarter to give up or is it totally doable to bang on and get it right, and if the latter how should one do the banging on?
Since then I've only snorkeled, occasionally. I like the water, love what's in it, want to see so much more of it. I thought recently I'd try the refresher course in a pool. And...I pretty much bombed it.
Well, okay, it could have gone worse, and again I technically completed most of the tasks, but oh my god, I ran out of air so fast because I could not calm down. There was much flailing around with the equipment, the weights, the BCD itself, my fingers getting stuck in the BCD, my mask getting stuck in my hair, couldn't get negative or even neutral buoyancy after sucking up most of my dang air, and I could not do the 'don't inhale for 30 seconds' task. Like basically the guy who tries to put on his sweater walking into the kitchen, accidentally puts his arm through the head-hole, then trips, knocks into a cabinet, and brings down all the pots and pans while all the plates in the cabinet spill out on the floor, but, yanno, the underwater/non-dishware version.
I dunno. Part of me thinks it's one of those things that a person can do if they try over and over again. But part of me also thinks I'm just never going to be chill enough for this. I should note here that my lack of chill is not a scuba-only thing. Never had an actual panic attack or anything extreme, but everything makes me nervous. Totally normal non-dramatic non-potentially-fatal things make me nervous. I mean, there's the "come on you can overcome this with exposure" argument but then there's the "yeah but you could REALLY kill yourself trying" argument. I'll be the pioneer who finds a way to choke herself on a fin strap or something, if I don't run out of air flipping out, or lose my s*** and bolt to the surface at a depth where that would be Very Bad. I don't know which argument holds more water. (ha haaaaaaa)
So...from here, I guess, I'm not sure how to proceed, or if to proceed at all. But if there is in fact any hope...should I just start over? OW again? Or refreshers in a pool over and over until I can do the tasks without struggling? Or do I try, you know, shallow guided dives, without all the flopping around with the equipment? Would that be confidence building or would that be stupid...I honestly can't tell. On the other hand--I could just stop trying. Plenty of places I haven't snorkeled at yet, yanno? Just wondering if the "omg QUIT QUIT NOW" impulse is an overreaction or...reasonable...
tl;dr: I have anxiety and much flailing re: multiple skills regarding the tasks one has to do for certification that I'm not sure if I can overcome; is it smarter to give up or is it totally doable to bang on and get it right, and if the latter how should one do the banging on?
The woman teaching the refresher was very nice and patient, but there were other students of course, and I was kinda, uh, flopping around while the rest of the class waited 
