scubaleg
Contributor
A three-legged dog walks into the pub....
and says . . . .
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
and says . . . .
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
... walks into a pub... jokes
- Thread starter Ian Wigg
- Start date
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Tim Ingersoll
Contributor
Aww now that bad.
Crispy
Contributor
A man walks into a bar and says.........
.....OUCH !
c'mon even the stupid ones deserve a laugh.
-crispy
.....OUCH !
c'mon even the stupid ones deserve a laugh.
-crispy
ScubaBaby
Contributor
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in.
Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass from 30 feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $500, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the bartender paces off 30 feet, and the contest begins. The man pees all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $500, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $200 apiece that I could come in here and pee all over the bar."
Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass from 30 feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $500, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the bartender paces off 30 feet, and the contest begins. The man pees all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $500, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $200 apiece that I could come in here and pee all over the bar."
ScubaBaby
Contributor
A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.
"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.
"Why, what do you have?", the barman asks sympathetically.
"Fifty pence."
Okay - thats my lot !!!
"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.
"Why, what do you have?", the barman asks sympathetically.
"Fifty pence."
Okay - thats my lot !!!
An visiting foreigner walks into an Irish pub and proclames loudly
"I will pay 100 pounds to the man who can drink 25 pints of guiness in a sitting." the crowd murmers and a man gets up and leaves. Half an hour later the man comes back and drinks 25 pints all at once
"congradulations" the foreigner proclaims "but why did you leave 30 minutes ago?"
"I had to make sure I could do it first"
"I will pay 100 pounds to the man who can drink 25 pints of guiness in a sitting." the crowd murmers and a man gets up and leaves. Half an hour later the man comes back and drinks 25 pints all at once
"congradulations" the foreigner proclaims "but why did you leave 30 minutes ago?"
"I had to make sure I could do it first"
A man walks into the bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that no pets are allowed. "But this is a special dog", the man replies. "He can talk".
The bartender- "Yeah Yeah I've heard it before ...roof roof...bark bark."
The man- "No, really he can talk. As a matter of fact he can read!. I'll bet you $50"
The Bartender- YOu're on.
The man takes a quarter out of his pocket, tosses it to the dog and says "Go get a newspaper"
A half hour goes by and the dog still hasn't returned. The bartender is ready to collect his $50 when the man says they must look for the dog. They walk out front and see his dog across the street humping a poodle. Running across the street the man yells at his dog..."What are you doing, you've never done this before!"
The dog replies "I've never had money before!"
The bartender- "Yeah Yeah I've heard it before ...roof roof...bark bark."
The man- "No, really he can talk. As a matter of fact he can read!. I'll bet you $50"
The Bartender- YOu're on.
The man takes a quarter out of his pocket, tosses it to the dog and says "Go get a newspaper"
A half hour goes by and the dog still hasn't returned. The bartender is ready to collect his $50 when the man says they must look for the dog. They walk out front and see his dog across the street humping a poodle. Running across the street the man yells at his dog..."What are you doing, you've never done this before!"
The dog replies "I've never had money before!"
Okay, ya'll are going to force me to post in this thread...
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. The bartender immediately tells him that pets are not allowed.
This isnt a pet, it's a musician the guy argues, and I'll prove it.
If my octopus can't play any instrument in here, I'll buy the next round of drinks. But if he can, then I drink free.
Thinking he has cant lose, the bartender agrees and points towards the piano in the corner.
The patron sits the octopus on the bench and it quickly plays a rendition of Beethovens 5th.
Amazed, someone hands the octopus a fiddle and it plays a rousing version of "The Devil went down to Georgia."
Reaching behind the bar, the bartender says "I have something he won't be able to play" and pulls out a set of bagpipes.
The octopus takes the bagpipes and turns them over and over for several minutes.
"Hurry up and play it, you're making me look bad!" his owner hissed.
"Play it hell! As soon as I figure out how to get these pajamas off it, I'm gonna have sex!"
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. The bartender immediately tells him that pets are not allowed.
This isnt a pet, it's a musician the guy argues, and I'll prove it.
If my octopus can't play any instrument in here, I'll buy the next round of drinks. But if he can, then I drink free.
Thinking he has cant lose, the bartender agrees and points towards the piano in the corner.
The patron sits the octopus on the bench and it quickly plays a rendition of Beethovens 5th.
Amazed, someone hands the octopus a fiddle and it plays a rousing version of "The Devil went down to Georgia."
Reaching behind the bar, the bartender says "I have something he won't be able to play" and pulls out a set of bagpipes.
The octopus takes the bagpipes and turns them over and over for several minutes.
"Hurry up and play it, you're making me look bad!" his owner hissed.
"Play it hell! As soon as I figure out how to get these pajamas off it, I'm gonna have sex!"
where he meets a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Talk soon turns to their adventures at sea. The seaman asks the pirate, "So, how did you lose your leg?".
The pirate replies, "During a fierce storm, I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about your hook?".
"Well..." replies the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship, and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman, "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."
The pirate replies, "During a fierce storm, I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about your hook?".
"Well..." replies the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship, and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman, "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."
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