Thank you all for the support and advice. I really needed it.
These past few days, I've been daydreaming about another dive trip as I might have some time off work in the fall, but then as I picture myself hanging with the fish, I imagine something going bad (my mask being kicked off, my reg not working...) and me starting to panic and not being able to cope with the situation (maybe I should stop reading the posts in the "Accidents" and "Near misses" forums :huh: )
Going in a pool or the shallow part of the ocean with a buddy on a regular basis is not an option right now as I live in Paris (no ocean, no friend with a pool) but I'll follow Mike's advice and sign up with a diving association. There are several in town, they meet once a week in a public pool during closing hours, so I should be able to practice my skills over and over until I (hopefully) shake off the anxiety.
Plus that should be a good workout, which I really could use. I'm not overweight by any means, but besides working as a PT waitress, I don't exercise at all, so I need to get my heart into shape.
To answer your questions, Don Wray, the factors that led to that bad experience were many. Most of them my fault (although it took me a few posts in SB to realize it was my responsability this thing happened).
Here's the long story of what happened :
I only had 15 dives in my log-book whan I went to Egypt. I hadn’t been diving for 11 months (and hadn't read anything about diving either :shakehead ) so I told the dive-op that worked with my hotel that I wanted a refreshing course before actually going on a «real» dive but they told me not to worry, all dives are led by certified DMs and instructors, and we always do a briefing during the 1-hr boat ride and so on… Well, somehow I thought the briefing would include the reviews of all the signals, safety measures, equipment check, as that's the way my OW instructor led all of his dives.
So I book for 6 dives, rent the equipment (surprise : I get a BCD filled with salt water… that’s reassuring) and get on the boat with 30 other people. There were 2 briefings :
1- Take off your shoes and don’t get inside the boat while wet.
2- OK, reef’s in front of you, go this way, at this depth, turn around when tank is half empty, you, you, you and you, come with me. Get your suits on and let’s go.
No buddy assignment, no signals review, no mentionning surface procedures as there are 10 boat surrounding ours...
I should have called the dive, but didn't even think of it for a second.
Next thing I know, everyone is in the water but me, as I’m frantically checking my gear for the 4th time. Plus I'm breathless from trying to put on socks and fins that are not my size...
By the time I get into the water (while the DM keeps on urging me to hurry up and stop stressing), I’m actually quite stressed out. I descend slowly, partly because my BCD has trouble emptying itself (yes, I had taken the water out of it before hand), partly because my mask has a small leak and I have to empty it regularily.
When I reach the DM’s depth, I’m already lagging behind the group and feeling a bit nervous. I have trouble staying buyant and since I’m tiny, my jacket doesn’t quite fit and the tank keeps rolling left to right on my back. I use my arms a lot to keep my balance and keep up with the others, who are just flying. They're young guys and it's like they're racing or something. But I don't let anyone know I'm not comfortable. I think I'm just having minor problems, I'm ashamed as I'm obviously not as good as these guys, and, most importantly, I've forgotten everything I know about overexertion. So everytime the DM turns around and signals are you OK, I finger OK back to him…
Until I have trouble breathing and start to panic and think : I’m f*ing gonna die!!!!!!!!
:icon10:
I stayed with that thought for what seems like a minute, trying to catch my breath, until I pictured my folks being told their daughter had drowned in the Red Sea (didn't consider ascending, I was too damn scared of corking to the surface).
Eventually, I managed to reach the DM and grab his fin and he calmed me down, held my hand thru the rest of the dive and it was OK.
I did dive with the same DM in the afternoon, because I feared if I didn't get back in the water that same day, I might never do it again.
This dive was OK, as was the next morning one with a different DM (except for incidents like people having trouble with the dive-op's equipment). I was nervous but no big deal.
Then on the fourth dive with this op, one of the guys went almost OOA (which apparently happened to him all the time). There were only three of us in my group, the DM whom I'll call Cindy, that diver and me. We'd been down at about 20 m (60 ft) for 30 minutes (total BT) when it happened. All of a sudden, Cindy asked me what my air level was (I still had plenty, over 1000), I signaled the answer to her and motionned me to follow the two of them as they were ascending. I got to the surface as slowly as I could. I was scared as I had no clue what was going on (I hadn't seen the low on air sign of the guy and they were not sharing air on the way up). So we surfaced right by the emerging reef, with crashing waves, she again asked me what my air level was and yelled "OK, let's go down to loose some of that nitrogen and hurry back to the boat !!! This guy is out of air again !"
She sounded like she was in a panic and that really made me nervous. They shared air all the way back to the boat while I followed feeling anxious and wondering why the hell she had made us surface when she could have shared air with him underwater (I found out the answer later while eavesdropping on a conversation between two DMs : she was trying to locate the boat, as she didn't have a clue where it was !!!

)
Anyways, that was the last time I dove with them. I was shaking and had a terrible headache that whole evening and night and didn't know if it had something to do with our surfacing or was just due to anxiety. For weeks afterwards, just mentionning this trip made me shake and shiver.
So that's the whole story.
Obviously I made some huge mistakes and have learned important lessons from them (no more trust dive for me - I even thumbed a 20 ft dive one morning in Marseille with the instructor) so please don't jump at me telling me how stupid I was. I know that already !!!
Funny thing is, I started this thread because I was confused about why I was so nervous now in the water and wanted someone to give me some advice that would allow me to get back to that wonderful pre-bad-experience frame of mind when I was absolutely fearless underwater. But now it's all very clear to me that I'll never feel that exact same way again : I just was being unaware. The only way for me to feel safe while diving is to master the skills.
I'm definitely signing up with a diving association in September. Even if that means spending months looking at the bottom of the pool.
Thanks again for the advice and sorry for the length of that post.
Anne-Laure :07:
Edited for spelling mistakes