Rescue vs Self-Reliant

[flots am]

Did you mean to say "safe"?

-yes, I'm teasing a bit. Only because I share that feeling. I'm not too big on trusting dive buds...

The nice thing about "Solo" is that you get to trust your buddies without relying on them.

I have a few (count on one hand) buddies I trust with my life, but it's also nice knowing that I would need to perform a massive screwup or have a medical problem to actually need them.

flots.

 

[FinnMom]

For you folks that want to tell her how to handle her husband:
She is married to the guy and this buddy problem is apparently not a new one. I think it's clear that he has no intention of becoming the kind of buddy she wants, and she plans to no longer settle for the kind of buddy he is.

I've been married 25+ years. There are a lot of times you gotta realize that you can't control the other person's behavior, all you can control is your behavior, i.e. you reaction to his behavior. THIS is what she's doing & this is effective.
Now hubby can be the bad buddy as much as his heart desires & since a better solution was not possible, at least it will no longer be her problem as a diver. She has improved the situation as much as was within her power. Kudos. Hope this saves on headache medicine.

I know we all hate to to leave Mr. Badbuddy unenlightened, but some (many) people take uncommonly great joy in having things their way. They can be an immovable force, even taking exceptionally great joy in your inability to shift them. You just gotta figure out how to go around them.

Enjoy your class.

 

[SMAE]

My root of irritation comes from total lack of buddy skills. I'd like to have a buddy close, but not so close where our fins collide. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on mine. I see you and you see me. That's not the case and the main reason that I am extremely frustrated. We have the dive talk, I remind him to slow down - that's it's not a race. We agree... Once we get in the water, it's like we didn't even talk at all. He leads and I try to keep up. The manager in him takes complete control and that I resent. It's my dive too. He's a speed demon and even instructors have told him to slow down....

Richard, my fear is for my own safety at this point. I've come to the realization that he'll dive his own way regardless. I can't be a reliable buddy when my buddy is diving solo. I need to plan for myself, take actions accordingly and be the best dive buddy that I can be.

I love diving and I'm not giving it up because of his lack of awareness.

 

[lowviz]

The nice thing about "Solo" is that you get to trust your buddies without relying on them. ...

OMG, I wish I wrote that...

 

[flots am]

OMG, I wish I wrote that...

You can steal it. I won't tell.

 

[TMHeimer]

My root of irritation comes from total lack of buddy skills. I'd like to have a buddy close, but not so close where our fins collide. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on mine. I see you and you see me. That's not the case and the main reason that I am extremely frustrated. We have the dive talk, I remind him to slow down - that's it's not a race. We agree... Once we get in the water, it's like we didn't even talk at all. He leads and I try to keep up. The manager in him takes complete control and that I resent. It's my dive too. He's a speed demon and even instructors have told him to slow down....

Richard, my fear is for my own safety at this point. I've come to the realization that he'll dive his own way regardless. I can't be a reliable buddy when my buddy is diving solo. I need to plan for myself, take actions accordingly and be the best dive buddy that I can be.

I love diving and I'm not giving it up because of his lack of awareness.

Right. If buddies don't stay together, pretty much constantly looking at each other--depending on viz of course, all the stuff you learn about buddy safety, rescue, etc. in any course means nothing.

 

[TSandM]

SMAE, can you get your husband to take Rescue with you? If so, I'd do that first, because the focus on preventing an accident might make him think a little harder about what he is doing.

Then, if you can ramp him up for a major diving challenge (is he the "I can do anything and I can prove it" type?) talk him into taking GUE Fundamentals. Easy to do, where you are, and perhaps the focus on team diving will open his eyes.

I had the same problem you have, and I just didn't dive with my husband for about six months. After the GUE and other technical training we've had, he has gotten much better. He will never dive like some of my GUE buddies do, but he dives with enough awareness and proximity to keep me from pulling my hair out, at least most of the time

 

[Jim Lapenta]

My dive buddies like me. They never have to keep up. I'm known as one of the slowest people underwater that many have ever dived with. I see no need to rush when it's not necessary. Didn't see everything on the first dive? Just do a second one. If they decide to take off I just wave bye bye and let them go. Most of my buddies are also solo divers as well and except for a couple of them also tech divers. So we know when we need to be close and when to just chill and do our own things. But when the plan calls for us to be buddies, then it's like we are joined at the hip.

 

[Mike]

My root of irritation comes from total lack of buddy skills. I'd like to have a buddy close, but not so close where our fins collide. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on mine. I see you and you see me. That's not the case and the main reason that I am extremely frustrated. We have the dive talk, I remind him to slow down - that's it's not a race. We agree... Once we get in the water, it's like we didn't even talk at all. He leads and I try to keep up. The manager in him takes complete control and that I resent. It's my dive too. He's a speed demon and even instructors have told him to slow down....

Richard, my fear is for my own safety at this point. I've come to the realization that he'll dive his own way regardless. I can't be a reliable buddy when my buddy is diving solo. I need to plan for myself, take actions accordingly and be the best dive buddy that I can be.

I love diving and I'm not giving it up because of his lack of awareness.

Real simple fix.

As soon as he deviates off the plan, abandon him, abort dive, go to surface sit on dive boat.

Repeat as needed.

You will have some really good come to Jesus conversations on the boat after you do this to him a few times. You've changing the dynamic from all talk to action and consequences. This is how you train a puppy and/or a husband.

 

[drrich2]

Mike:

That assumes he won't just go on about his dive solo and be happy with that. Some people would, if only to avoid feeding into something perceived as a manipulative effort at control.

SMAE:

Good to get a better handle on the actual problem; you don't feel safe diving buddy less under the conditions, with the gear & training you have. That paves the way to consider some options, some of which others have brought up.

1.) Dive with a different buddy. You could even dive as a threesome, but have an advance talk with the 'good' buddy, and if your husband chooses to swim off, let him go, and you two left have a good dive with 'proper' (whatever you deem that to be) buddy practices.

2.) Dive with a group in good conditions, as if often done in the Caribbean, and stick close to the guide. Not only will your husband likely also be following the guide around, but the guide an others will likely be in fairly close proximity to you, so you are not alone, although no one may be as close as you want a buddy to be. It's not completely equivalent to buddy diving, but it is different from being in the ocean alone.

3.) You've got the dive count; take a solo course (e.g.: SDI Solo Diver), get the added gear, and start solo diving. He can come along. If he sticks with you, you buddy dive. If he takes off, you solo dive (and to some extent, I guess he does, too).

3 Possible solutions that provide for a reasonable margin of safety for you to enjoy your recreational scuba diving.

Richard.