Need Advice-Arguing Over Diving – Sorry so long

[deignor]

My husband and I have been married a little over a year and the one thing we get into the worst arguments over is diving. He has dived off and on for 10 years, AOW, over 100 dives. There was a gap of a few years when he rarely dived at all. I decided I would like to try diving after seeing him with his Dad and step Mom diving with me snorkeling . It looked like so much fun down there with the fish!
I decided to go for it. My OW class was pretty lame, we practiced skills 1 time only, and I was nervous about diving. Hubby was helpful, we went to the pool 4 times to practice my skills before the OW check out dives. I was certified last May (2002), am now AOW and have 60+ dives. I have dived in the local MD and VA quarries, Cozumel, live aboard in the Bahamas, wreck diving in Panama City, FL plus some diving looking for manatees in Crystal River, FL.

Our arguments are always over the frequency and intensity of diving. I say he is obsessive – he says he is focused. Since I was certified, he has been diving a lot more and we are usually buddies. I know I need to go to the local quarry to keep up my skills for our diving trips BUT I don’t think I need to do it every single weekend, sometimes both days. I have tried to encourage him to hook up with other divers who share his intensity but without much luck (he is pretty quiet and shy). We have done our trips with groups and that has been positive- if he wants to dive 5 times a day-there is usually someone to hook up with. It is harder when it comes to the quarries.

I get frustrated because we have many other enjoyable hobbies. We have not used our canoe once in 2 summers because he only wants to dive. We used our bikes one time this summer and it was like pulling teeth because he wanted to go diving. And I won’t get started about the status of our yard and house!

I know this might not be the right forum for this because the board is full of hardcore divers but I am not completely lame- I anticipate having 100+ dives in 2 years since certification. I do have some doubts sometimes about diving. I knew 2 instructors that have died in my 1 year of scuba diving in our local quarries. I know that had an impact on me because if they could die with their advanced skills, where does that put me? I ended up with nasty middle ear barotrauma from a reverse block on a dive during my Bahamas live aboard in May 2003. If I do a lot of repetitive diving, my left ear gives me trouble on ascent. I was on diving restriction for 3 weeks and was 100% cleared. (I almost wanted the doc to say only 2 dives a day and limit yourself….).

Just not sure how to handle this…. It is not like I am a Non-diver that might be more difficult. I like diving but I guess I do not like it as much as he does! It seems like it is all or none with him. I know he is getting better and better and I can’t keep up. I am encouraging him to advance his diving education and become more technical. I may lose my buddy that way – he says I am a “fair weather” diver but…………………

Diana

 

[scubasean]

I'm not female, and therefore might get thrown out of the forum...

With all of the diving, have you had a chance to sit down and talk for a couple of hours?

Seems to me that both of you should take a non-diving weekend away, maybe to the mountains....

Make a deal that you'll go diving with him every weekend for a month if he joins you for a nice camping trip to the mountains, or whatever you like....Then, having his full attention...while you are on the campout, try to engage him in meaningful conversation about alternatives, why it is nice to keep diversity...It sounds like you are not asking him to slow down, but rather asking him to let *you* slow down a bit...

Good luck!

 

[Tim Ingersoll]

Sit him down and read him your post.

 

[redacted]

He & I could dive and my wife & you could do whatever. My wife/buddy & I had similiar problems. So, when she wants to join me she does, otherwise I go with my yellow buddy or someone else. Even on trips, she'll usually sit out a couple while I keep diving. She passed on the midnight & the 5am shore dives in Cozumel. Sometimes we do other things but not too often. Fishing & sailing have pretty much taken a back seat to diving. While she is always welcome to join me, she has gotten somewhat used to me going on my own. I dive during a weekday about every other week but weekends are usually together. Isn't that what they make sick leave for?

 

[aquagirl]

That's a tough situation. It sounds to me like he's obsessed with the sport. I always say and believe, we shouldn't allow ourselves to get obsessed with anything - not smoking, not sex, and for me, not even chocolate. Everything in moderation. I'm sure you've tried this already but (without fighting) sit him down and tell him you would be happy to go diving with him this weekend and the next but on the third weekend you want to do so and so.. - strike a deal and stick to your end without complaining and then put your foot down when it comes to him living up to his end of the bargain. Basically you have to get him to compromise. Remind him that's what marriage is all about after all - compromise. If he still won't listen then send him off diving on his own. Don't go with him even if he doesn't have a buddy because it will weigh you down (no pun intended), will cause more fights and may lead you to getting injured. If he's obsessed then let him deal with his obsession without you getting the short end of the straw all the time. BTW - it's also helpful to find other couple as a buffer. For example, find another couple to go canoeing or bike riding with. Make it a weekend away or something. Perhaps he'll find he can have a good time above water as well. Good luck.

 

[Davey Diverson]

Look at it from a different perspective. He's got a new wife, and shares a hobby that she likes. If my wife would dive, I'd be out there four times a week, too!

Anyway, join a dive club. That way he can meet people that like to dive as much as he does, you can bolth participate as much as you like, and everyone is happy.

Oh, make him mow the lawn, and sell the canoe.

 

[JimC]

Let the lawn go to weed, its better for the environment!

I have a very nice matenance free lawn full of ankle deep soft weeds. My backyard is being slowely taken over by rasberry bushes, much to my delight. Native to the land, they don't die, dry up, require wattering or any of that other stuff and I'm free to drag my wife out diveing instead of cutting grass...

Well, my solution, from the other side of the table. Find other buddies as into diveing as I am and let the wife to whatever.

 

[DA Aquamaster]

My wife and I dive together and I am a 4 dive a day diver while she usually has enough after two. I also like to dive deep and she does not.

Fortuantely we have a system that works, we stay on our boat, which is slipped in a clear high mountain lake, nearly every weekend and have other freinds and couples that we hang with there.

So on an average diving day I can do a couple of deep dives in the morning with some of my deep diving freinds, we can grill lunch on the boat with freinds and then do a couple shallower dives in the afternoon as a couple and do other non diving related activities during the surface intervals. Then in the evening we can cuddle watch the sun go down.

So our solution was not so much not to dive each weekend but rather to modifiy the situation so that the diving was more compatible with other outdoor and social activities.

 

[DeputyDan]

Also, the lack of communications WILL lead to bigger issues in your marriage is you don't nip it now.

 

[Davey Diverson]

JimC once bubbled...
Let the lawn go to weed, its better for the environment!

I'll introduce you to Mrs. Diverson when the lawn needs mowed. Then you'll understand my environment. :wacko: