Married folks - wedding question

[Scott]

Since mine was 25 years ago and I know the trends have changed so I'll spare you.
A good friend just married off his daughter, first thing he did was cut her a check for $6000 and said spend it how you wish.

 

[silvernotch]

We did the whole big wedding thing and both of us look back and wonder wth we were thinking. We are both the type to have a fairly small but close circle of friends, and we ended up getting caught in that trap of "if you invite x then you have to invite y" and so on. For what my FIL paid for the whole deal and what my parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, we could have paid for a nice long weekend at a nice resort for a party of about 15 family and friends and then stayed on for our honeymoon after they left.

One thing to think about is if you go low key on the ceremony and trappings that go with it at a destination, you can probably pay the way for immediate family and your bridesmaids and groomsmen for what you would normally pay for a 80 person reception. Then you can invite others to come if they want, but let them pay their own way.

This is what I've been thinking. I've had some small conversations with my dad about it but my mom was just in a really bad car accident on 9/9/10 so now we have to wait and see what kind of finances will even be there for a wedding (obviously a wedding is nowhere near a priority but I just wanted some SB'ers opinions on the topic). I'm his only child and I know he wants to have something nice but I refuse to have him spend $15-25k just to get me hitched. Plus I've been thinking that once my mom is all rehabilitated from the accident, a destination wedding might be a good getaway for all of us, especially my dad who's never even been to the Caribbean before and my mom who hasn't been since the early 70's.

 

[Hawkwood]

By the way, congratulations! I didn't mean to come off like a grump about the destination wedding thing.

30 years ago we had a small wedding. It was easy to control the size, as we were paying for it ourselves. At that, the wedding was held where my wife's parents lived, so that we traveled from one end of the country to get there and my parents from the other end. We invited very few friends and my parents only close friends and a few relatives.

In the grand scheme of things, it is only one special day of what you hope will be many more to come. We've been fortunate.

 

[Brandon]

We had a small (<10 people) wedding, on our own terms. Was fantastic. Might have spent a couple hundred dollars on it, including food and drinks.

-B

 

[Abidon]

I feel like I have to invite certain people and then if you invite that person then you have to invite so-and-so and it just goes on and on.

That can snowball out of control in a hurry if you have a hard time saying "No".

she hardly got to enjoy the wedding because she was walking around saying hi to everyone the whole time.

Because the entire day will be a blur, about half the things you meticulously plan for in a big wedding will go unnoticed by you. I don't even remeber seeing flowers at my wedding, but I know we paid for them; and they show up in our wedding photos.

Cost is definitely going to play a factor in this. As much as I hate AI's and that type of trip it looks like going some place like a Sandals in the off season would be our best bet. that way everyone that wants to go just pays one rate for the week that includes everything and then you're good to go.

That's what we now wish we would've done. Even if we were to have sprung for some family members who were struggling finacially, we still would have spent about half of what we did for a big traditional wedding. Three-and-a-half years later, we're still paying off the wedding expenses.

 

[silvernotch]

By the way, congratulations! I didn't mean to come off like a grump about the destination wedding thing.

30 years ago we had a small wedding. It was easy to control the size, as we were paying for it ourselves. At that, the wedding was held were my wife's parents lived, so that we traveled from one end of the country to get there and my parents from the other end. We invited very few friends and my parents only close friends and a few relatives.

In the grand scheme of things, it is only one special day of what you hope will be many more to come. We've been fortunate.

oh you weren't a grump it's okay! I want to know the good and the bad that would come with either decision!

Three-and-a-half years later, we're still paying off the wedding expenses.

and I DEFINITELY don't want that to happen. We already have a house and a mortgage together and having an outstanding loan for just one day doesn't make sense to us. I just don't want to go do a small destination wedding with only select family/friends and then later regret not having the big traditional Catholic wedding and ceremony.

 

[RNDIVER]

The thing is, most girls grow up imagining that day where they have the great wedding and get to be the princess for a day. I would have been up for anything. My wife wanted the fairytell. Sixteen great years later, she of course says she would have loved to done a destination wedding with a small group. But thats maturity kicking in. If they're young they want the fairytell.

 

[Superlyte27]

So, almost 15 years ago, I was 20'ish and making a fortune, (well, 6 figures). Wife wanted a big wedding with all the bells and whistles, so that's what we did.

The following day, we decided that if we had it to do all over again, we'd elope.
We feel the same way to this day.

 

[Surface Interval]

We did small family wedding in a church. But I married in the church that my Mom married my Dad, and some other family members married in. Too bad that church wasn't in the Bahamas!!

If you want to keep the cost down, the best way to do it is simply be honest and be up front. It doesn't matter if you stay at home or do a destination.

Say, "I want my Mom and Dad and my grandparents there and we'll have our reception for all the friends and family at another time."

Most people don't want to sit at the wedding anyway, they just want to party with you after.

 

[silvernotch]

The thing is, most girls grow up imagining that day where they have the great wedding and get to be the princess for a day. I would have been up for anything. My wife wanted the fairytell. Sixteen great years later, she of course says she would have loved to done a destination wedding with a small group. But thats maturity kicking in. If they're young they want the fairytell.

I'm turning 28 next month and I think the older I've gotten and the more responsibilities I have (aka mortgage) the less I care about the big poofy dress, big flower arrangements, linen colors, or any of that crazy mess anymore. If I have an island wedding I still want to have traditional aspects to it though; I want to have a father-daughter dance, I want to have best man speeches, I want to have an actual reception with food and cocktails. I don't want to get hitched on the beach and then we just hang out at the pool in the afternoon. but then again, my ideas on that might change again later