Lonely old lady needs feedback

[simbrooks]

1,000 miles, two hours.

Wouldnt call shotgun in your car

 

[tracker]

This sort of thing happened to me a couple of years ago, where I fell for a guy just completely shortly after I met him. That time made more sense, however, as I found him very, very physically attractive as well as intellectually challenging and appealing. This fellow also was a very competent, skilled individual with a work ethic similar to my own.

I thought men fell for women based on very little other than appearance all the time?

I am telling you, I can't figure out if this Southern guy liked me or pitied me or what!

Excuse me if this sounds simple, and please don't be offended, because I only know about you from what you post, but, if you spend most of your time concentrating on your work, maybe a soul connection could be overwhelming at first. Thus, the confusion.

 

[simbrooks]

Good idea there, will try to work that in without being TOO obvious.

You'd be surprised how easy such things are worked into conversations. However you might be kicking yourself and generally thinking that it is obvious - again self confidence.

You are certainly right about the shaky self-confidence, yes, I am working on that (and your kind words are very helpful!). Payback . . . they expect . . . "intimacy" when you gave them no reason to think that would be a possibility. I have good friends, male and female, who I give help or support to and receive same from them. It just . . . freaked me out to be accepting help from a person I felt strangely emotionally attracted to, wanted to trust, and . . . I just didn't know what to do, and I still really don't know what to do. It is probably all a waste of time thinking about it, because it is unlikely I will ever see him again! Dammit. Or not. Ahhh!

As for payback, i thought that might be what you were infering, sometimes that happens, but usually i know my interest is only sparked when someone reciprocates things in a way that is more than friendly, ie helpful/friendly and then we seem to click. As for someone "helping" you that you might be attracted to and you not being willing, i would aim at trust and intimacy issues. You are going to have a hard time early on in your post-divorce/seperation(?) time having someone near you that you can trust and who you might want to have feelings for. You dont want to let people in quite yet, its quite natural, over time hopefully this guard will fall and you will be able to get back into it, but you have to work yourself through the problems that were created within you from how your last relationship worked out. As Nomaster said, if this falls through, at least you have next time and you have started the process of getting yourself more able to have someone in your life again - if that is what you want of course. It is the thought process, the analysis of who you are, what you are feeling, how you wish to develop as a person and get over what has happened and the getting your self-confidence back that is most important thing, thinking about it with this guy can/should help and of course it would be a nice bonus if you could get him - if you feel you are ready for this/him. Yes no real solutions, just a bunch of hypotheses and my own opinions, the action and repair of what you are having issues with is something you have to do yourself, doesnt mean others cant support you, but its a hurdle that you are the only one who can jump over, others cant do it for you. I take part of what i theorise from other things you have read as well about the past relationship - although people on here dont know the full story, the basics help to see areas where things might need a little redirection/restoration to get you back to who it seems you were once a while back.

 

[tracker]

BTW, I think a woman that presents herself naturally like you do, is most attractive.

 

[drbill]

Nehallenia- First, old you are not. I think you are at a fantastic age for a woman. Of course I don't consider myself old either (just old enough to "know better" even if I don't show it). You appear to be an attractive, active, intelligent woman.

Regarding self-image issues, I must shamefully admit that in my past I have been one of those men who would verbally abuse the woman I was with. It didn't happen often, but it did happen. Shame on me. Yes, I was extremely stressed at the time (and my SO also worked for the same organization and I was her boss' boss which made things dicey at times).

Fortunately her self image was secure and she was not affected by those verbal assaults. Fortunately, she also knew it was the stress and not my real feelings. Fortunately we remained together for 7 1/2 years and are still great friends 4+ years after our breakup. Fortunately I am no longer subject to the conditions that brought on the stress and am now such a "mellow fellow" it sickens me.

So forget the words of your ex-husband. He was either an *ssh*le (like I was at times) or someone who had serious problems of his own. Don't judge yourself by his comments. We are here for you girl (and you are a girl... and a woman).

Dr. Phill... er, Dr. Bill

 

[drbill]

On the lonely part, here is a haiku-like poem I wrote years ago that I hope says something to you.

When I am alone
I am seldom reminded
Of my loneliness.

Dr Bill, er Phil, er Bill

 

[SeaJay]

It was the Southern accent.
















I know - I fell for it too.
















...Which is a really good thing. Go for it, girl.

 

[scbababe]

I have good friends, male and female, who I give help or support to and receive same from them. It just . . . freaked me out to be accepting help from a person I felt strangely emotionally attracted to, wanted to trust, and . . . I just didn't know what to do, and I still really don't know what to do. It is probably all a waste of time thinking about it, because it is unlikely I will ever see him again! Dammit. Or not. Ahhh!

Hi Nehallenia! It's not a waste of time, O.K..... It's easier than you think. You have his e-mail address and you're both in the same line of work, right!

Anything worth having is worth planning and developing.(Take your time, don't rush into anything right away). You already sent him an E-mail and he responded, good! Don't expect him to pour his heart out on his first reply...
Sharing how you feel to early in a relationship or encounter is not a good idea.
Be cool...E-mail him again in a few days and try to mention something work related, you know keep it simple. Ask him how his family feels about all the traveling he does. From his reply you'll find out if he has one or not...

Oh.. and about that old lady thing. It's not how old or young or how pretty one is or how fat or skinny you are...

It's how you handle your self that counts!

 

[grazie42]

Ok, here´s my take on things....

-You look good. Simbrooks was right, guys can be a bit shallow (at first) but I can´t see how that would "hurt your chances"...

-Age is just a number (you don´t look your age). If you feel old, you´ll act old (no matter if you are or not).

I saw you mountainbike. Whenever you feel old/unatractive just remember the great feeling of strength and confidence you have after a hard workout. That´ll help you realize how "silly" those feelings are and help you be the real you (I think).

IMHO, its all about perception and everyone who has posted so far disagree with your perception of yourself (old/unatractive). You can go on with your (imo) "wrong"/negative view of yourself or you can choose to see the goodlooking and attractive woman the rest of us see.

In the end its your choice and you will have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make.

Good luck!

(Stepping of soapbox and stops channeling Dr. Phil)

 

[Nehallenia]

Excuse me if this sounds simple, and please don't be offended, because I only know about you from what you post, but, if you spend most of your time concentrating on your work, maybe a soul connection could be overwhelming at first. Thus, the confusion.

I think I am shallower than that: I am very visual, and looks get my attention. However, looks alone certainly won't KEEP my attention - my closest friends and most fondly remembered lovers are those who are intelligent, engaging, adventurous, creative, etc.