It went something like this:
Dear Sir or Madam:
Thank you for contacting the Federal Trade Commission. As we speak, your letter is being recycled into baby diapers. Moreover, your suggestions were added to our "crank list". The "crank list", as you may be aware, is comprised of people who believe in flat Earth theories, the fall of Atlantis, a second gunman on the grassy knoll and, in your case, vast global conspiracies.
Thank you for making our otherwise boring day a little more pleasant. Please do not hesitate to write again if the people in the nice white suits ever loosen your straightjacket or allow you to hold pointy objects, such as a pen or pencil.
Best Personal Regards,