I am in a step family that might not make it......can anyone relate?

[TSandM]

When my husband and I got married, the minister who married us insisted on some prenuptial counselling, and at the end of it, he told us he thought one of the big issues for us would be my stepdaughter. And so it proved. Like you, I inherited a 5 year old who had daddy under her thumb, and when I moved into the household, I put a stop to some things I thought were unacceptable (like cooking her an entirely separate dinner every night, because she refused to eat anything but macaroni and cheese and peas, and her sitting in her second floor bedroom and screaming for her father whenever she wanted to say something to him). It caused a great deal of friction, and it never really got better. At 7, we had three months of open warfare when I took some time off work and became, briefly, a full-time mom.

This kid went on to have severe issues later that almost drove me to alcoholism, and almost killed the marriage. But we stuck with it, and she's a reasonably happily married mother of two now, and we are on our own together, and except for fighting over whether DIR is really the only reasonable way to dive, we get along pretty darned well. It was worth the bad years, but they were bad, and took a tremendous amount of work and dedication to get through. Counselling DID help, and I think I was very lucky that Peter's ex-wife's new husband was very much okay with getting involved in the counselling with us (so all four "parents" were on the same page in trying to control this difficult child).

In the end, it's the quality of your connection with your wife that will tell you whether you want to stick out the difficulties of child-rearing. I would never do it again, but we did survive it.

 

[Thalassamania]

I can identify with your problem, but not with your feelings. Your commitment must be to both your wife and your new daughter. I've been there and done that, and it was not easy. It was a lot of work, a lot of pain, a lot of trouble ... and now, twenty years later, I can tell you it was worth it all. If you are having second thoughts about marriage fine, if you have trouble with complete commitment, well ... lots of people do, but do not lay that on the kid.

 

[BabyDuck]

try searching and reading some archives on askmoxie.org - or maybe even emailing her. or maybe asking your wife to read them, too - lots of parenting/relationship stuff there.

 

[Diver0001]

I got married about a year ago and I accepted my wife's daughter (now 7 years old - was 5 when we first moved in together before getting married) into my life. I hear many step families dissolve before the 2 or 3 year mark. My wife and I have irreconcilable differences about how to discipline her daughter, I think she is too spoiled and needs more discipline and not to be cottled so much - her mom thinks otherwise. My step daughter doesn't call me "dad" (which I'm pretty much fine with) but my wife insists that I refer to her as "my kid". Her dad is still in the picture and only sees her maybe one afternoon per month - big woop! She's only 7 but has an attitude problem that I do not see as getting better - I know its early but I just have a gut feeling she's going to grow up being a spoiled bimbo. Everything we do must be on her terms and her outright sense of entitlement just drives me nuts!

It has become apparent that my presence may be stressing the dynamic between my wife and her kid and things might be better for us all if I was not around. My wife and I get along more like friends than anything, there is little to no intimacy anymore. It's been months since we've even had sex! And the marriage is still in its infancy!

I really do not want kids of my own and would never again date a woman with kids or a woman who wants kids. My biggest mistake in my opinion was assuming that I could be a step parent in the first place - we all make mistakes but I wish I had not made this one.

I had a vasectomy 3 years ago (when I was 27), I thought I could be a step parent but I am having serious doubts.....

I know I'll catch alot of hell for this and may be called a deserter, a jerk, a guy who turns his back on committment, but I'm just speaking the truth and would like to see if there are any step parents out there who are going through the same thing or have dealt with this before??? I love the idea of marriage, but after my last 2 years of exposure to raising someone else's kid, I only like the idea of a childless marriage. Might there be someone out there who can relate?

How much of this does your wife know? Are you talking? If not then you have two choices, really:

Start talking
Lose everything

If you can't start the talking on your own then get in counselling asap. It sounds like you're in a nose dive right now and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you can't pull a relationship out of a nose dive alone.

R..

 

[rustyshakelford]

how about this...

send the snot nosed brat to her dads for a long weekend. you and momma get yourselves a nice little bungalo on the beach and try to cook up some intamacy.

step kids can be a real pain. i have broken up with several women becuase her kids sucked and she allowed it.

youve committed this much time, energy and emotions, I would try to re-light the flame and give the kid some time to grow up a little. try to be be a little more supportive and accepting of her also. you would be suprised how it might make her feel if she knew that you cared about her and accpeted her as your daughter


brett

 

[BTravlin]

how about this...

send the snot nosed brat to her dads for a long weekend. you and momma get yourselves a nice little bungalo on the beach and try to cook up some intamacy.

step kids can be a real pain. i have broken up with several women becuase her kids sucked and she allowed it.

Big waste of time and money! The OP says they have not been intimate for months and this signals big trouble. The OP's wife isn't feeling intimate because they have huge unresolved issues between them and the wife is probably sensing his lack of commitment. Sending the kid off for the weekend won't change that.

youve committed this much time, energy and emotions, I would try to re-light the flame and give the kid some time to grow up a little. try to be be a little more supportive and accepting of her also. you would be suprised how it might make her feel if she knew that you cared about her and accpeted her as your daughter

brett

You're more on target here. The OP needs to talk with her and let her know that (1) he loves her and wants to work things out, (2) there are definite issues that you two need to discuss and come to some kind of agreement on (3) tell her your issues in a calm and reasonable manner, (4) then ask her what her issues are and be prepared to listen carefully without interrupting and you will probably be surprised by some of the things you hear, (5) offer to go to joint counseling to work on those issues, (6) let her know that if she's honest with you and you both make a commitment to be open and willing to compromise that you'll be there for her and her daughter for the long haul. Then be willing to put in the effort to follow through.

Do this and your wife will probably be making the weekend reservations.

 

[ewaiea]

Excellent advice everyone,

My wife has made many many sacrifices. The problem is not with her, she really is great. I am a bad person for thinking these things, and my step daughter, though we have issues, is just a kid. This doesn't change how I feel, it just de-values it alot. It makes me feel spoiled and stupid. What I hope to take away as a positive is that one way or another I'll learn something about myself from all of this. But I would be lying if I did not at least take these doubts and personal concerns and address them - I can't seem to get them out of my mind...

Thank you again everyone, perhaps I'm a worse person than I have gotten credit for in the past.

We did talk about this before we got married and I made the decision then to step up and try to do my best as a parent. I feel like I've made impulsive choices in life and by stepping up and doing something I'm not used to might be like turning over a new leaf - but the doubts I had then are returning again and have been the last 4 months.

It's a very confusing time...

 

[Diver0001]

Brother, don't think about it in terms of good and bad.

I had a really REALLY hard time adjusting to being in a "permanent" relationship and having kids too. At heart I'm an intensely private person and, as I found out, slow to adjust and very selfish about sharing my time.

Obviously that didn't sit well with trying to be a parent. In fact, I'd say that the fact it's your step child doesn't necessarily have a lot to do with it aside from the fact that you haven't had the benefit of the baby years to adjust to this roll.

For me, the real breakthrough came when I admitted to myself that I was having trouble with it and told my wife that I thought it was going to make me fold. You've taken the first VERY big step by admitting you have a problem. The next VERY big step is to get your partner involved.

The worst thing you can do right now is to blame yourself for it. You're not a bad guy for admitting this. You're a normal guy experiencing some mental suffering. Getting it above water and talking about it (with your partner) is probably the best, and possibly the only way forward for you. It might not save your relationship but at least you'll know that you've done everything you could.

Good luck.

R..

 

[BTravlin]

Something else for you to consider about your stepdaughter. How long ago was the divorce and was it amicable or a nasty one? Was she old enough to see and hear things a young child probably shouldn't? Loud verbal arguments? Physical altercations? What was said to her by her mother? By her father? Do they talk poorly about the other to the little girl? Does one or both parents interrogate the little girl about the activities of their ex?

Some kids go through pure hell during a divorce when they aren't to blame for anything. The young ones especially are caught in the middle with no tools to understand what the hell is happening and why.

I'm not saying any of this is an excuse for the kid to act like a brat but, on the other hand, depending on the answers to the questions posed above, you might want to cut her a little slack.

 

[dpbishop]

I've been in a relationship with a mother of 3 for 25 years. The biological father was less than perfect, but he did see the kids and helped out. The two girls were hell on earth, and if I tried to intervene between them and their mom, all three would turn on me. With the boy, who was the youngest, I was able to exercise some discipline, and he responded by being about as good a kid as you could wish for.

As I see it you have two separate problems, the mom and the kid. You have to step back from the parenting conflicts and concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Treat her like you were still dating, let her know you love her, and get some relationship counseling. Contrary to what you may hear, counseling usually helps people who want it to help. Not everybody does. I live with a counselor and in a significant percentage of the couples she sees, one partner had already decided to bail and is just going through the motions. That is a recipe for failure.

Your step daughter has already lived through one dysfunctional relationship, she needs to see one that is loving and supportive or she will have nothing but trouble with men as she grows older. At her age, children tend to see everything in relationship to their self, blame themselves for the divorce, and blame themselves when their are problems in the new family. When you and your wife have your own house in order, then you can see about working out the parenting issues.

I agree with you that letting a child call the shots is poor parenting, but at her age, her behavior is unlikely to cause permanent damage. Many divorced women go through a period where they treat their children as if they friends rather than their responsibilities, and it undermines the boundaries that children need if they are to grow up with a good foundation for life. When she trusts that you will be there for her, both as a lover and a friend, she will be better able to reestablish the appropriate relationship with her daughter.

Unless you come from a dysfunctional family yourself, I wouldn't worry about your ability to be a parent. We are all amateurs at this, but it's not rocket science.

Keep this in mind. It's a lot better to be in love with the women you are living with. The logistics are a whole lot easier.