Guilt and Sorrow

[durian]

I feel horrible. I work in South Korea where I teach English in a University. I get a lot of vacation time and I always pop over to Thailand to go scuba diving, lay on the beach etc. I usually feel quite tired as the breaks approach and Thailand always seems so inviting. I get 4 months off a year.

Well my mother had some mini-strokes and dementia. She is quite frail at 74. My sister keeps me informed of her condition. I kept planning on going back, but as the time approaches I think of an excuse and go off to Thailand instead and think I will go on my next break in a few months time. A few months does not seem that long and my intention is always to go back.

Well this next break I had made a firm decision to go back. I have been in Korea 3 years and it has been long since seeing my mother and sisters. I have had the University position for 2 years.

I hate the looooooong 14 hour flight and have this reluctance to see my mother in such bad condition. I think I will be bored and depressed there and while I know it is my duty and I do love my mother, there is that selfish thing and reluctance to see my mother that way.

I have lived in Asia over 20 years and my times back home have been limited.

Well last week my sister e-mailed and told me my mother is very ill and that she may have only a few weeks left. I was near to the time of going back anyway and had a flight booked. When I learned she was sick I booked an earlier flight. Right now is the busiest time of year to fly out of Korea to the States and it is hard to secure a flight.

I am teaching a 2 week Intensive Business Course with another teacher and don't feel that I can just abandon it and leave the course in a mess. Mixed priorities. Anyway I figure that I would not be able to get a flight sooner anyway. I am at the end of my contract and need to finsih it to get my bonus. I will need to pay for the funeral costs so would need the money.

My sister and I have been in frequent contact and she says my mother has a fever and that the hospice workers do not think she will last much longer.

It is Monday and I finish the classes on Friday/ I have a flight booked on Sunday.

Will I ever live the guilt down-will God ever forgive me?

I know that no mother could have loved their son more than my mother loved me

 

[djanni]

Oh wow! It's obvious you're distressed over this. God be with you and with your Mother. He will forgive you and so will she. You have to forgive yourself too.

I feel horrible. I work in South Korea where I teach English in a University. I get a lot of vacation time and I always pop over to Thailand to go scuba diving, lay on the beach etc. I usually feel quite tired as the breaks approach and Thailand always seems so inviting. I get 4 months off a year.

Well my mother had some mini-strokes and dementia. She is quite frail at 74. My sister keeps me informed of her condition. I kept planning on going back, but as the time approaches I think of an excuse and go off to Thailand instead and think I will go on my next break in a few months time. A few months does not seem that long and my intention is always to go back.

Well this next break I had made a firm decision to go back. I have been in Korea 3 years and it has been long since seeing my mother and sisters. I have had the University position for 2 years.

I hate the looooooong 14 hour flight and have this reluctance to see my mother in such bad condition. I think I will be bored and depressed there and while I know it is my duty and I do love my mother, there is that selfish thing and reluctance to see my mother that way.

I have lived in Asia over 20 years and my times back home have been limited.

Well last week my sister e-mailed and told me my mother is very ill and that she may have only a few weeks left. I was near to the time of going back anyway and had a flight booked. When I learned she was sick I booked an earlier flight. Right now is the busiest time of year to fly out of Korea to the States and it is hard to secure a flight.

I am teaching a 2 week Intensive Business Course with another teacher and don't feel that I can just abandon it and leave the course in a mess. Mixed priorities. Anyway I figure that I would not be able to get a flight sooner anyway. I am at the end of my contract and need to finsih it to get my bonus. I will need to pay for the funeral costs so would need the money.

My sister and I have been in frequent contact and she says my mother has a fever and that the hospice workers do not think she will last much longer.

It is Monday and I finish the classes on Friday/ I have a flight booked on Sunday.

Will I ever live the guilt down-will God ever forgive me?

I know that no mother could have loved their son more than my mother loved me

 

[H2Andy]

i can't blame you. going to see your mother is a difficult thing, and you clearly
have been putting it off because it distresses you so much.

however, you can only put it off for so long, and your visit could really cheer up
your sisters and your mother a bit.

since you have now learned of her worsening condition, is there any way to move
up your flight and have someone cover at the university for you? i am sure they
will understand.

 

[NauticalbutNice]

If you were reading your post and it was written by me would you forgive me? Probably.

It is hard to forgive yourself anything. But you have to. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend.

I understand why you don't want to go...at least I think I do. I think the main reason is you don't want to see your mother (who you remember as being in better health than she will be) in such a frail condition. But you are also thinking of the practicalities - hard but necessary. You have made your plans, as best you could. Don't be too hard on yourself.

To put it this way - I missed the death of someone very close to me because I went home to sleep. I had been in the hospital all day and needed to go home. She died 15 mins after I left.

I don't think it will matter if you are not physically with her at that moment. She will know you are there, and she is in your heart.

And I believe that any God who is worth your love will forgive you unconditionally. Like a parent would.

My thoughts are with you.

Nauticalbutnice

 

[cdiver2]

If you were reading your post and it was written by me would you forgive me? Probably.

It is hard to forgive yourself anything. But you have to. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend.

I understand why you don't want to go...at least I think I do. I think the main reason is you don't want to see your mother (who you remember as being in better health than she will be) in such a frail condition. But you are also thinking of the practicalities - hard but necessary. You have made your plans, as best you could. Don't be too hard on yourself.

To put it this way - I missed the death of someone very close to me because I went home to sleep. I had been in the hospital all day and needed to go home. She died 15 mins after I left.

I don't think it will matter if you are not physically with her at that moment. She will know you are there, and she is in your heart.

And I believe that any God who is worth your love will forgive you unconditionally. Like a parent would.

My thoughts are with you.

Nauticalbutnice

The question is can you forgive yourself?. If the answer is yes then everything is ok, but if the answer is no then go home you and only you will have to live with your decision.

If its any help I know where you are coming from. I have been look after my 89 year old mother-in-law for the last 14 months She has difficulty moving with arthritis and she also has Alzheimer's. This is a 24-7 job and at times I am snappy when I am dealing with her. Because of this I go to a Alzheimer's support group and I am told not to feel guilty as this is a very hard job to do and if it starts to adversely affect our lives then put her in a home against her wishes and not feel guilty.
I hope this helps good luck

 

[SueMermaid]

Sorry about your Mom. As someone who has lost both elderly parents fairly recently, I know that it's very very very hard to see someone you love wither away. The idea of flying halfway across the world to see that is almost unfathomable. Forgiving yourself is hard to do, but from my perspective, your thoughts are rational and it absolutely makes sense. But I think Andy is right, (especially in light of your inner struggle), you need to just swallow it and go there as soon as you can. I will be a sacrifice and a bummer, but when you get there, I bet you will be glad you did.
If not for anything else, do it for yourself. You will know what I mean later on.

 

[durian]

Sorry about your Mom. As someone who has lost both elderly parents fairly recently, I know that it's very very very hard to see someone you love wither away. The idea of flying halfway across the world to see that is almost unfathomable. Forgiving yourself is hard to do, but from my perspective, your thoughts are rational and it absolutely makes sense. But I think Andy is right, (especially in light of your inner struggle), you need to just swallow it and go there as soon as you can. I will be a sacrifice and a bummer, but when you get there, I bet you will be glad you did.
If not for anything else, do it for yourself. You will know what I mean later on.

Thank you for understanding and thank the rest of you for your kind words and wise advice.

My sister e-mailed me and told me that the Hospice nurse had told her that my mother would be leaving by noon. My sister comforted me by telling me that my mother knew I loved her.

So, I did not make it back. Part of that is because it is the busiest time of the year to fly out of Korea to the States and you just can't get a quick flight out. My quilt and need for self-forgiveness is more about that past-that in the past 20 years I had not spent more time with my mother as I was living overseas. I will work through it. Mom had a Near Death Expereince before and told me how she did not want to come back as she felt so loved and at peace...that is comforting to know. Like all things, if something is there we take security in that knowledge, but once it is removed from us we have a stronger desire for it to be in our lives.

My father died when I was 1 and since I have had no one really closew to me die and I am 52, in that sense I am fortunate. My aunt has seen 3 of her children die and a nephew. I think the expereince probably softens you and gives you more compassion for others. Anyway most of us in my age group see their parents leave--it is part of the rythm of life.

Again I thnk you--I will be going back to be with my sister. Her son just left for Navy boot camp so she is dealing with 2 things.

 

[SueMermaid]

Again, I am really sorry about your Mom. Getting through those feelings is a very personal thing, and it sounds like you are on the right track. FWIW, I had very similar feelings of guilt. I am glad you are able to find some comfort.
Safe travel when you go and see your sister. ftroest:

 

[Snowbear]

Will I ever live the guilt down-will God ever forgive me?

I heard a pretty cool song recently...

Laying aside guilt and accepting forgiveness has been a challenge for me. Anyhow, I'll try to get the rest of the lyrics and post them here tomorrow, meanwhile the chorus starts like this:

"Arise! my soul, Arise! Lay down your guilty fears and rise!"

 

[simbrooks]

Simple question:

what is more important to you, not her, nor your family - seeing your Mom before she dies or not seeing her?

From my own experience and way i have thought about life, the flights, money and the types of hassle you have written about are things placed as barriers in the way, to cover up the deeper reasons why you dont want to see her - is there something about your relationship with her, something that happened in the past that got between the two of you, and since then it has been the reason you havent wanted to make this flight many times before now? Given the circumstances at the moment you feel an extra guilt about not wanting to travel - who wouldnt? No-one is saying you are wrong to go or not to go, but please be honest with yourself as to why you feel you dont want to go - is there anything that you have made her wrong about that you could forgive her about that you hold against her or a way things are that make you think "this is the way things are going to turn out" that you have presupposed?

What do you have to lose by going, what do you have to gain by being generous enough to head back there? I dont mean materially, but emotionally, in your relationship with you Mom and your sister (if not other members of your family)? I have had recent and previous losses and felt worse for not going to make peace with those family members and friends than i have when i have had that opportunity when i knew they were on the way out. I know which i would do next time someone was falling seriously ill, but that doesnt make me right or wrong compared to your situation, its different for everyone.