Funniest Diving quotes you have heard

[Squishy]

This one is kind of embarrassing because I'm the one who said it... but here goes...

I was in the shuttle van in Hawaii on the way to my first salt water dive. I was very excited and a little intimidated by the experienced divers climbing into the van as it picked up others. I was making small talk... mostly asking how long they had been diving and mentioning that it was my first salt water dive, etc.

When one guy got in the van, he said that he had not been diving in a while, but that he "used to dive for scrips". The van driver (and dive master as it turned out, got excited and commented that her dad used to dive for scrips too. Now... being new to salt water and eager to learn, I assumed that "scrips" were some kind of tasty sea creature. (Kind of like: "I used to dive for lobsters")

Sooo... I immediately asked "What's a scrip?" (Thinking I should maybe keep an eye out for one while on my dive.)

The van instantly went silent and then he politely explained that he dove for Scripps Institute.

Doh!
-Mike-

 

[Rhone Man]

Damn funny thread. I have nothing to contribute, but this thread deserves a bump.

 

[canasm00]

I like....you should always dive with a buddy...if you have an equipement problem buddy can help....if you run out of air buddy can help....if there is a shark attack your odds are now 50-50 instead of 100%

If you have a knife and cut you buddy your odds increase dramatically

 

[bowlofpetunias]

If you have a knife and cut you buddy your odds increase dramatically

 

[tahoe_diver78]

"I keep a small collapsible umbrella in my bc pocket in case it is raining when I surface."

 

[bowlofpetunias]

"I keep a small collapsible umbrella in my bc pocket in case it is raining when I surface."

What do you mean..... I hate diving in the rain.... you get wet!

 

[I Dive]

I have a neighbor who...we'll just say he isn't going to become a College Professor anytime soon... Anyways, a couple years ago I loaned him my Epcot Divequest DVD. He took it home and apparently watched it with his family. When he returned it, he was filled with questions about the sharks in the vid. I answered all of his questions and eventually he seemed satisfied. As he was walking away from me, I overheard him saying to himself, "Don't F with that guy, he swims with sharks"!

 

[sladerer]

Don't know why I didn't read this sooner.

On a dive trip in Cozumel with LDS. One new couple with 1 post cert dive.

DS owner to guy: Where is your log book?
Guy: Don't have one.
DS owner: You got one as part of your class.
Guy: I know, we did a dive in St Thomas a couple of months ago. They didn't ask
to see it so I figured I'd never need it again - threw it away.
Me to guy: What about the tables?
Guy: Why do I need them? (SERIOUSLY)
Me: So you can plan your depth and time safely?
Guy: But I don't have a watch - we'll just stay above all of you and come up sooner.
DS owner to me later: Last time I'll take anyone on a trip without a computer.

Same guy seen on another dive thrashing around into part of the reef with a disposable
u/w camera, cord wrapped around his 2nd stage hose.
Me: What were you trying to do? You do know you were destroying coral and sponges?
Guy: I was trying to wedge myself in to stop drifting so I could untangle my camera.

A day later, several of us discussing a planned night dive while on the boat trip back in:
Guy's wife: Does it have to be dark to count as a night dive?
Two nights later they do a night dive (just the two of them). We all turn out with a drink,
sit in the hammocks and wait. They head out of the entry (the steps at Scuba Club)
past the break wall and start drifting north - right into what looks like an old small boat
tie up (3/4 circle against the shore with one opening facing south). We roll for 15
minutes as we watch their lights as they search for an exit
They did somehow make it back.

 

[Steve_Dives]

1. Diver puts this BC on the tank upside down (valve by his butt).
2. DM tells him he needs to flip the BC around. He rotates tank so the valve (still by his butt) points the other way.
3. DM is more specific. Diver puts BC on tank so that the valve is up by his head.
4. Diver asks for tools because hose won't reach his power inflator. DM rotates BC around tank.

 

[bogrady]

This actually happened on a Disney Cruise cattle boat Stuart Cove dive

Semi panicked woman in the water screaming: - "There's no air coming out!"
Divemaster - very calmly: "Ma'am - it's a demand regulator - you have to inhale to make air come out."
Less paniced woman - "Oh - ok - thank you."

We stayed on the opposite side of the reef for the rest of the dive ...