Family Guy:The Show

[Kriterian]

• Yes it's a cartoon.
• Yes it's been cancelled.
• YES, it's still in re-runs!

Here are a ton of funny quotes from one of the funniest TV shows I've ever seen. The visuals help, so check it out for yourself. It's on the Cartoon Network, usually during Adult Swim. Check your local listing for more details.

A little background so you know who is doing the talking if you're not familiar with the show.

The Griffin Family:
Peter = Father/Husband
Lois = Wife/Mother
Stewie = The foul mouthed infant baby
Chris = The teenage son
Meg = The teenage daughter
Brian = The family dog

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Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

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Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

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Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.

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Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

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Stewie Griffin: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

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[Riding a circus elephant]
Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

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Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

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Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

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Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

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Brian Griffin: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

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Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ***.

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Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

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Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

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Stewie Griffin: Damn you, broccoli.

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Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

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Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

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Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya *******.

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Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.

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Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"

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Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]

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Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe it's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

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Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?

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Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

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Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

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Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.

 

[Kriterian]

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Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

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Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?

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Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

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Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a *****. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor ******* got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

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[The Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [After being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy: But...
George: GO TO YOUR ROOM. For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry', I could've been killed.

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[trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Rea... Really?

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[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

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Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.

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Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there i will come to your house and I will cut you.

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Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my *** look big?

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Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.

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[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of wasps.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
[pause]
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a *****?

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[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

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Peter Griffin: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
Peter Griffin: Well, you see, we're catholic...
Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

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Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".

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Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat? A BOAT'S A BOAT, but the mystery box could be anything. IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT. You know how much we wanted one of those.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.

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[While eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: OH. mmm yes oh god this is better than SEX.

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Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?

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[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

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Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.



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Stewie Griffin: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.

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[The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh,I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.

 

[Kriterian]

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Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

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[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.

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Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?

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Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.

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Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. Alright.

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Peter Griffin: I didn't even fart until I was 18.
[Flash back]
Peter Griffin: [Peter hears a farting sound]
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?

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Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.

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[singing]
Peter: I need a Jew.

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Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhored / Hebrew people I've adored / Even though they killed my Lord / I need a Jew

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Old Man: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Old Man: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Old Man: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Old Man: Get your fat *** back here.

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Store owner: Hey, there's no hams under here, you're just a fat kid. Here, fatty fat fatty. Have some chocolate, fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.

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Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.

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Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

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[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?

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Stewie Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."

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Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid.
Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.

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Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.

 

[baltimoron]

GREAT show. never watch it, but nice to watch when chillin with the boys.


i'll put that on for TiVo.....

 

[mstudley]

The show was cancelled however they are bringing it back early next year. 25 new episodes.

 

[Afraid_of_Fish]

:rofl:

i love that show. That and everybody loves raymond...

 

[Kriterian]

The show was cancelled however they are bringing it back early next year. 25 new episodes.

Ahhhhh! Now that is some great news, thanks!

 

[^*^BATMAN^*^]

HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dude its been knowen for quite some time now, its approx march 2005ish, they are slowly making a full legnth movie, and seth mcfarlain(creator of family guy) is also makinga show called American Dad, which is set to premeir in january 2005. last night was the first time Family guy has been on fox since 2001, they are doing to mimi marathons of 4 episodes, to compete with the olympics.....


links- www.american-dad.com
www.briansbar.com
www.fgmma.com