Divemaster touching me

[scubaddiction]

Hi Waaterpal,
I want to encourage you to pursue your endeavors to report and make this guy either lose his job or more. I am always amazed when someone comes out and reports being the victim of sexual harassment and their family/friends/community either don't believe them, minimize the issue or blame it on the victim herself.

I have also been in situations where advances where being made toward me and I wasn't sure how to respond because I was uncomfortable and unsure of what might happen if I made a direct "NO!". HIndsight is 20-20 and I'm sure you would behave differently if it were to happen again. I would like to share what I gathered from your post. That the advances were slight enough on the first dive to brush them off enough to go ahead and take the second dive. I can understand this. The comment that you were his girlfriend underwater is pretty bizarre and I haven't seen too many other responders to your post, take that comment into account. His comment is very very strange and maybe very telling.

I disagree with other posters in their summation that you were actually in charge of the situation. In fact, I believe that you were in a foreign country, at a new dive site with a stranger. I see you as being dependent on him and so, in a sort of submissive position. He was in charge. You also depended on him to behave professionally and to not get too personal. You mentioned that you didn't want to tick him off at 60 ft. So, you were making compromises to keep yourself safe. You were acting smart.

These things can be so sticky for us. Am I overreacting? Did I do something to make him think this behavior was acceptable? We will doubt ourselves. Then of course, reporting it can be embarrassing. I wonder how many sexual harassment charges never see the light of day because we don't trust ourselves, our judgement or just don't want to face what others might think. I think it was brave of you to even share this experience on scuba board. I have been in situations where my guts (intuition) were telling me one thing and my head was telling me another. Over time and through some crappy experiences, I am learning to trust my guts more than my head.

You were sexually harassed. You have a right to fight it and if it helps, you could be saving his next victim from something far worse than what you went through.

Also, I just want you to know that you are absolutely not alone in going through what you are going through. Find some good support for yourself. Whether that is your best girlfriend or a counselor or a group of survivors. No one can tell you that this experience should or should not effect you. No one has the right to define for you how deeply (or not) you have been hurt, scared, humiliated, angered, etc. AND you have every right to discuss it out loud until you no longer need to do that.

And don't allow other people's fear, shame, guilt or sexism keep you from taking care of your needs.

I do not know whether or not you will be successful in getting this jerk's job, but it is totally worth a shot. I would also contact PADI and make a report on him. You have mine and my husband's encouragement.

God Bless,
Sunny

 

[Web Monkey]

Waaterpal, I would write a letter to the dive shop and let them know about the situation and your experience, and let them know you expect some sort of a reply.

Again, I am sorry you had this experience, and, I suspect next time you will react differently.

I'm not sure "reacting differently" would be prudent alone, underwater, with a stranger. There's quite a bit of risk and no up-side.

At best, he was just being inappropriate, and a letter to the dive op/shop (and maybe a note here on SB) after returning home would be appropriate. At worst, the guy is a nut-job and p*****g him off underwater would mean that we'd be reading about a "missing diver."

Terry

 

[Boat Chick]

I'm not sure "reacting differently" would be prudent alone, underwater, with a stranger. There's quite a bit of risk and no up-side.

At best, he was just being inappropriate, and a letter to the dive op/shop (and maybe a note here on SB) after returning home would be appropriate. At worst, the guy is a nut-job and p*****g him off underwater would mean that we'd be reading about a "missing diver."

Terry

I guess what I meant by you would react differently, in that, if in a similar situation again, waaterpal would know it is not appropriate and would most likely speak up once on the deck....or pull a hand away, or take her glove back. Certainly not react differently in any way to be put in harms way.

Sunny, you said what I was also trying to say, thank you.

 

[imasinker]

If this guy was as open and brass to you as you described, he has either done this before, or he will continue to do this. If you don't report him he will likely keep this up and get away with it, or his actions may esculate and someone else could get seriously hurt. Bringing this to the attention of the dive shop, making a formal complaint and asking for a reply is a great idea. He (this guy) needs to be aware that what he is doing is flat out unacceptable in any circumstance being a DM or in everyday life. You have found the courage to come here and ask, thats so brave of you, and I am sorry you had to experience this. Don't let it discourage you from travelling or diving anywhere else.

Take Care!

 

[waaterpal]

Thanks to those of you who gave me good advice about pursuing this incident with the dive shop. I appreciate the support and encouragement you offered.
Some of the snide or accusatory comments in other posts are one of the reasons women don't come forward with complaints of harassment.

Moving on now.....

 

[bamamedic]

I work in the medical field as well, and knowing what a patient can say or do while ill, hurt, drugged, drunk, etc. bless you!

Thanks! Working in the medical field can be challenging at times, as I'm sure you can relate to

I always try to remember that most of my ill-tempered, aggressive, or combative patients are not that way because they want to be, but because they can't help it. I can't recall how many times I've received bruises from a combative hypoglycemic patient, only to have them turn into the sweetest person once I established an IV and gave IV glucose.

Anyways, sorry for the thread hijack...back to topic.

I'm sorry you went through this experience, waaterpal, and as much as I'd like to say I'd have handled it a little more assertively, one never knows how one is going to deal with that kind of situation until it presents itself. I can say all day that I'd have told him off once on the surface, but since I wasn't there and I didn't experience it, all I have are half-baked suggestions and well meaning but badly phrased advice. The truth of it is, you handled the situation as best as you could under the circumstances, and that's all anyone could ever do. You're about 25 years my senior, and you've got a lot more life experience than I do...I've never been in a position where I felt like I had to ignore someone's advances in order to keep myself safe. I might feel very differently if I were in a foreign country and in an unfamiliar dive site.

As much as this probably doesn't mean much coming from someone as young and inexperienced as myself, if this situation ever presents itself in the future, I'd consider telling him that his advances made you feel uncomfortable once safely on the boat. He might think that his actions are perfectly OK, and he might really suck at reading other culture's body language (that would be unfortunate, considering his occupation, though). In my above posted example, my coworker didn't have a clue that his actions weren't OK. He wasn't used to dealing with the "younger generation" and he misunderstood some of my actions towards other coworkers. Had I not told him he was out of line, and if I just ignored it, he would probably still be harassing me to this day.

In any case, please don't think this is representative of the dive industry as a whole. The vast majority of dive charters and DM's are only concerned with your having a safe and fun dive...

 

[sailingk8]

Ladies, I'm new around here but I've been racing in a male dominated arena for years and let me hand out a little advice. There are men out there who like to do wierd stuff around and to women because they think they can. The trick is to firmly but with out anger say NO! Most of these types of men are used to women not doing or saying anything because they are afraid or intimidated. But Ladies, it is important to stand up for yourself and let them know you don't care for that type of treatment. This doesn't have to be a major confrontation but simple, even jokingly done.

For instance when he said "underwater you were his girl friend", I'd have said, "Oh really, so then as my scuba boyfriend you'll be paying for my dive trip will you, how fabulous! Then add, "just kidding, but seriously the caressing/touching thing is not cool with me, ok?"
The point is you need to say SOMETHING. Blurting out anything is better than saying nothing.

EDIT: Places like Mexico (and Italy and dozens more) do have men who are used to flirting with women in a more physical way and perhaps as stated it was an attempt to get a bigger tip but if you don't like it just say something or even just wag your finger "no-no" at him.
I would like to add, as I tell my daughters, try not to put yourself in "that" situation in the first place if you can. Being out with a man whom you don't know in a secluded spot where you can't escape if things go wrong? Sometimes its wiser to be a little protective of yourself and make other arrangements. As far as the dive center, you've done your bit, you've made others aware, my .02 is, as said by others, learn from it and avoid in the future.

 

[bamamedic]

Exactly! I couldn't have said it better myself....

After working in a male dominated profession for the past three years, I've had to listen to some stuff that you wouldn't believe (well, you probably would, sailingk8, because I get the impression that emergency medicine and racing share some similarities - they both attract the "jock" type of guy).

I could either get upset every time, report it to my supervisor, and gradually find myself out of a job (either by my own choice or because I got "fired" for some silly reason), or I can learn to deal with it.

I've learned to joke back! If a coworker steps out of line, I do let him know...but I usually find a way to do it in a joking fashion (if possible; sometimes the only way that works is to be blunt, though).

Since my coworkers know I'll say something if it goes too far, they feel a lot more comfortable around me than they do some of the other female EMT's. I've learned that the average guy will push it as far as you let them...you need to tell them when they've gone too far.

 

[irishsquid]

There has already been alot of responses about culture here, but; I would like to add an experience I encountered while working in Brazil. As I was meeting people for the first time it went something like this: I would start to shake a man's hand and he would get very close and pat me on the back at the same time. He would then introduce his wife and she would come in an take my shoulders and kiss me on the neck or cheek. This happened with everyone I met. Had my wife (who has never been out of the USA) been with me, she would have thought all the women were very forward and trampy. Some of the guys at work would have thought the men were light in their loafers. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that in other places, what goes as inappropriate may be the norm in other places. Right or wrong.

 

[cruiser]

Waaterpal--

I'm assuming this DM was Hispanic? If so, he was doing the Latin lothario thing on you. (The Hispanic culture is much more extroverted. If you don't believe me, watch Mexican television after 9:00 pm). Some divemaster tend to go overboard with it, and I've seen it handsomely rewarded in big tips. If you felt like it was inappropriate behavior, it's up to you to say something (same rules as out on the town). The first dive was to see how responsive you were to it. When he got no objection, he ramped it up for the second dive. These guys are there to please and get tips, first and foremost. If less touchy feely is what you want, they'll accommodate !

You say you're a strong professional woman but this shut you down. You are not alone, and this incident could be a blessing in disguise--you now know where to raise your awareness and assertiveness. Consider this a milestone in your learning curve and move on. I wouldn't go for the guy's job over it, but that's just me.

Enjoy diving in Mexico It's worth many return trips