NORTH POLE (Reuters) -- Holiday magnate Santa Claus announced today that his conglomerate Kringle Holdings, LLC, will layoff up to 1,300 of the elves employed at their main workshop located here.
This cutback, which is over 8% of the workforce, was called "Unfortunate, but necessary" by Santa in an unusually somber press conference. "There are too many forces at work here for us to ignore them. With neither the capital nor the demand, we simply do not have the means nor the reason to keep our staffing at traditional levels".
Kringle Holdings has been battered recently by a heavy investment in formerly high-flying tech stocks like Amazon (Nasdaq:AMZN) and WorldCom (Nasdaq:WCOM) as well as the energy conglomerate Enron (NYSE: ENE). The Kringle Endowment has been rumored to have lost as much as 65% of its value this year alone. This, combined with what researchers have called "A major uptick in the number of bratty kids" has left Santa´s once awesome toy factory something of a relic of days gone by.
"It used to be that every kid got a toy; but now, with the recession and all the whining out there, the size of the Bad List has grown exponentially" was how an anonymous elf at Kringle put it.
There is more at stake than just Kringle Holdings, however, as the North Pole is very much a one-company "mill town". Over 10,000 elves work at Santa´s factory and are represented by the United Elves of the North Pole (UENP). The loss of even more jobs at the North Pole would seriously put the local economy in the red for the first time in its 224 year history since it was founded by Santa Clause. The possibility of a further collapse in their employment outlook makes the bleak arctic landscape appear even more desolate.
When asked if unemployment benefits will be extended for workers beyond the current two year time limit, Goran Stephonssen, Presidident of the United Elves of the North Pole Local 1225, responded that "He may be Santa Claus, but the contracts that we have negotiated with Kringle Holdings the last two decades are not of the standard we had back in the 1930s when all the kids around the world demanded toys made from our factory". He added, "Globalization and weaker international trade laws have allowed other toy factories to cut into our market share thus weakening our bargaining power with Santa. It is very frustrating for the working families of the North Pole."