Blokes Rules

[aussie_shark_bait]

BLOKE RULES

RULE NUMBER 1: Any bloke who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

RULE NUMBER 2: Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella.

RULE NUMBER 3: It is OK for a bloke to cry only under the following circumstances:

a) When an heroic dog dies to save its master.

b) The moment Angelina Jolie begins to unbutton her blouse.

c) After wrecking your boss's car.

d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e) When she is using her teeth

RULE NUMBER 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

RULE NUMBER 5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

RULE NUMBER 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will should the temperature prove to be unsuitable.

RULE NUMBER 7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

RULE NUMBER 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

RULE NUMBER 9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

RULE NUMBER 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning yourself on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it’s free.

RULE NUMBER 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the goolies.

RULE NUMBER 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

RULE NUMBER 13: Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 14: If a bloke's fly is down, that's his problem – you didn't see anything.

RULE NUMBER 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until such time they demonstrate a thorough knowledge of the game.

RULE NUMBER 16: A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

RULE NUMBER 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

RULE NUMBER 18: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

RULE NUMBER 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in slagging off a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

RULE NUMBER 20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

RULE NUMBER 21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 22: A bloke worthy of being called a bloke shall never buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

RULE NUMBER 23: A bloke worthy of being a bloke shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

RULE NUMBER 24: The woman who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

ASB -

 

[CathyI8205]

BLOKE RULES

RULE NUMBER 1: Any bloke who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

Aussie: These are great! For those of us here in the States what is "buck's night"?

 

[Mako Mark]

what is "buck's night"?

Bucks night = bachelor party

must include vast quantities of alcahol, the only females allowed have to be professional strippers or supermodels, there is an optional handcuffing of the groom to a parking metre without pants, but placing the barely concious victim aboard an international flight is strictly off limits. National flights are ok

 

[waterkitty]

RULE NUMBER 21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 23: A bloke worthy of being a bloke shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

But my car IS pink...so a bloke could drive my car, but not buy it from me?

By the way, thanks for the jokes!

 

[FreeFloat]

Oh man, I should so NOT be drinking coffee as I read this, now I gotta clean the monitor.......... :rofl:

LOL

 

[aussie_shark_bait]

A bucks party = if you remember it - it wasn't particularly good, it you don't remember it - it was a hell of a bucks party.

If there is video footage gn post in the middle of a roundabout all ther better and so on.

We like to have our bucks parties at least 1 week in advanced of the wedding - bruises major surgery mionor surger can be completed swelling reduces and most arguements are completed. Also if groom is still missing from domestic flight he will be found in 1 week.

ASB

 

[kmac]

Oh man, I should so NOT be drinking coffee as I read this, now I gotta clean the monitor.......... :rofl:

LOL

At least I'm not alone!!!

The rules are just natural and common sense, but once you write em down... Just plain hilarious!!! This has gotta be my favorite "humor" thread ever...

Only one I ever broke was;

RULE NUMBER 23: A bloke worthy of being a bloke shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

My Landy is brown... I refer to it as "DIRT" colored, but I think the super-sized tires, huge brush guard, snorkel, and cargo rack with more lights than a football stadium will offset the rule violation...

Gonna pour the coffee out of the keyboard now...

Kevin

 

[baltimoron]

this reminds me of the "man code" we have here in america. there are some of the same rules- i got rid of them when i could remember.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshyt!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. bicthing about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good asss wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bicth standing on the sideline.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice asss! Are you a Sagittarius?"

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fukc off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.


51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.

there ya go!

 

[Afraid_of_Fish]

:rofl: