Ah... modern dating :-)

[CBulla]

AMEN Brother Bulla!!!

I'd like to add that there isn't a path that is right or wrong, better or worse, they really are just different.

M'dear.. we should chat over BEvERages sometime..

 

[pennypue]

M'dear.. we should chat over BEvERages sometime..

So long as I get to hold the baby.

I promise not to spill any BEvERage on the baby, nor to leave lipstick on that beautiful baby head.

 

[diverkristi]

It is not so much a lack of committment that is causing higher divorce rates, there are other factors involved. 40-50 years ago wives stayed married because they had no other choice as it was very difficult for a single woman to support herself and her children economically or socially. The result was often women staying in unfullfilling or abusive relationships where they would today have the option of leaving. And frominterviewinf more than one formerly abused grandma, I get the impression women in that era would have excercised the option if they had had it.

Persoanlly I think that the greater freedom of women to leave bad relationships is a great change. That freedom places much more responsibility on a man to ensure that his spouse's emotional needs are met but at the same time places a greater responsibility on women to not abuse their newly earned power, so marriage is a much taller order for both parties.

I am also not a beliver in the myth of staying together for the sake of the children. Having grown up in an unhappy home and having worked for about 5 years as a child protection social worker and having observed the results of kids growing up in homes where mom and dad do not have any genuine love for each other, I can tell you that you are deluding yourself if you think staying in an unhappy marriage is the right thing to do for the kids.

The reality is that the kids know full well what is going on and once they figure out mom and dad are just doing it for the kids, they feel responsible and guilty. They also are denied the opportunity to see and experience a normal healthy male female relationship and are consequently hard pressed to have one themselves as adults as they have a really poor example to model their own behavior on. The result is unhealthy relationships and a divorce. Despite the conservative view, church opions etc, kids are better off watching mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom in happy relationships than they are growing up with mom and dad in separate bedrooms literally or figuratively.

So if anyone is in an unhappy marriage, with or without kids, my advice is to make a concerted effort to fix it and if that is not possible or if your spouse is unwilling to help change things, get out.

I also have to say that baggage does not matter. If a woman you love has a child, you love child because she is hers and you do not love the child any less because it is not yours. If you can't do that you are not much of a man or a father and she and her child deserve far better.

As a single mother, I found some buttons being pushed here, then I read this post. Thanks.

I married at 21 and didn't have kids till I was 35 and 38. They are the best thing I've ever done. They were the reason I left an unhealthy unhappy marriage. Until them I just did my thing, and put up with a certain amount of nonsense. (verbal abuse, nuttiness etc...) After having kids I decided that I could not and would not allow them to see me treated like this. I also think it's better for the kids to have one healthy parent than 2 that are unhealthy because the relationship is so broken. So I made the decision to end the (now almost 19 year) marriage. Papers should be signed this month. Geez, I really feel like I WAS committed. Ya just can't take it forever. HIS friends and relatives even said "I wondered why you put up with it so long"

It is very liberating to be out of a situation like that. I am making my dreams come true. (Diving was one of those dreams). Hopefully I am a better mother for being able to finally be who I am, and not be walking on eggshells for fear of triggering "the beast".

I have to say, anyone that thinks of your kids as baggage is not worthy of being called a human being. We all have emotional baggage from past relationships. It's SO important to be aware of these and NOT push the buttons. But the kids, well, they are part of the package. Period.

So, I guess this pushed some buttons, and is a bit of a rant, sorry for that.

If you (the single guy) are eliminating those with past marriages and kids from your "list", well, so be it. I hope you aren't missing the great love of your life for that reason. We all have a past, we all have imperfections, but we all want the same thing: To love and be loved.

Rant over.

 

[CBulla]

So long as I get to hold the baby.

I promise not to spill any BEvERage on the baby, nor to leave lipstick on that beautiful baby head.

I think that can be arranged.

If you (the single guy) are eliminating those with past marriages and kids from your "list", well, so be it. I hope you aren't missing the great love of your life for that reason. We all have a past, we all have imperfections, but we all want the same thing: To love and be loved.

I used to be one of those guys.. well, I guess I sorta still am as my wife and I started our own family. After having kids I see things a bit different, but prior to that I viewed it as adopting someone elses baggage.. and given the ladies with kids I met or knew down here thats understandable as they never really could get far enough from the other parent to be themselves, and those who could had other issues or hang ups to overcome. No fault of theirs, no fault of mine.. just something I as a single guy with no obligations except to myself and bills felt like undertaking.. not to mention nobody except the lady whom I am married to had even piqued my interest for much more than friendship. There is just something about that person who you meet and know is your match.. everyone else is just a friend or someone you know and associate with.

 

[SharkBaite]

Well said to everyone, so far,
I have had two marriages, the first one was to a women that was only looking for a free ride to have her child, worst thing was is everything with us was fine until I left the Military, then the reality set in and when we were going to relocate back to Fl. she flipped, threatend suicide because she couldn't visit friends while were were to be packing the house, plus a few other things, one month later I found out after she left the state that she was still "Legally" married in Ca. to another man. This one was looking for the free ride from the military.

Second marriage, already had 3 girls by another man, but he wasn't in the picture much as he was in Vegas and she was in FL. my ex was looking for a "relacement" daddy for her girls, everything was fine before the marriage and up until then I thought everything was Kewl. the night of the wedding she did a 180, turned controlling started monitoring everything I was doing and was even isolating me slowly from everyone. We managed to talk it out and everyintg was good, she then decided that I deserved a child of my own since I was doing so well with her 3 girls. So a little boy came along, after that she flipped back to abuse mode, cutting out my family and friends, and being insecure and very controlling, Colin correct me if I am wrong.....

We have since divorced and I have learned that not everyone is as they appear, we all have baggage in one way or another. not meanings just kids, but carying the emotional affects of past relationships along and doing the "compare" thing.
I don't hold grudges or do the compare, but I will say this I am seeing more and more younger women wanting to rush right into marriage, having the family. or already having the family and being only 23 or 25 with 2-3 kids already that are looking for a replacement daddy. and a few that are only interested in finding a partner or whatnot, to make them happy but not be the replacement.. I think the problems to this are many. most of today's generation are too dependant on money, most of the failed mariages are based upon no money, failed job adventures, demanding jobs. more than 40 hours a week every week. and the security/trust issue. Communication is key and finding the right woman or man, that understands is key.

Back then women were the care takers of the household, taking care of the kids, food, chores and paying the bills while the man of the house worked to support them, in todays society with everything costing much more than it was then both must work and let someone else raise their kids while they work, just to provide food and clothes and if your lucky enough to be able to afford a home.

I know I have left alot of open gaps but just brainstorming and venting lol.

Don't get me wrong though, I have learned alot from both of mine but am more cautious now since I have a child of my own, making sure that the woman I meet to marry is going to be able to handle me already having a child and yes I want more of them... HINT HINT.. I am not looking for a replacement mommy, but a respectable lady to help me and my ex raise him to the best we can.

Alot of good points have been made and I respect alot of them. but its hard to push fwd with everything the way it is....

Good luck in your sarch and congrats on what ya have achieved. most would envy what some have, when they have failed. I know I am jealous of my buddy..... going through some rough stuff and still has the loving wife and two bundles of joy.

Happy hunting to everyone else........

 

[SharkBaite]

wow what a long post..... lol maybe I need to edit....

 

[ShakaZulu]

With such a lack of morals and standards in our society, I don't think marriages can work. Besides, I live on California, way too close to Hollywood. The woman here all think they are actresses. As for getting invlovled with a woman that has children from a previous marriage, hmmm, ok, it's not going to happen.

http://members.aol.com/drhumph/divorce.htm

Goodluck!!!!!!

 

[MissyP]

. Besides, I live on California, way too close to Hollywood. The woman here all think they are actresses.

wow thats not totally stereotyping or anything huh? I don't know what kind of women you've been meeting here in Ca, but you've obviously had pretty bad luck.
*I* have no interest in acting, nor do I know any other female here who has any interest in acting. You really shouldn't generalize "all women here" like that; that would be the same as me saying "all of the men in California think that they're Brad Pitt".

 

[SharkBaite]

wow thats not totally stereotyping or anything huh? I don't know what kind of women you've been meeting here in Ca, but you've obviously had pretty bad luck.
*I* have no interest in acting, nor do I know any other female here who has any interest in acting. You really shouldn't generalize "all women here" like that; that would be the same as me saying "all of the men in California think that they're Brad Pitt".

I have Been to Ca. and I would have to agree, not all men or women have that in their head. its the other things... LOL jk

Anyhow