Ah... modern dating :-)

[gitterdun]

Yes, I was convinced that I was the outsider. I am 33 yrs. old, have never been married, and do not have any kids. Most people I know are either married, or were married~ Some with kids, some without. All I could think was, "What's wrong with me?" "Am I too picky?" I don't know, but seeing some of my friends, the "stuff" that they have gone through when their marriages ended, I don't feel so bad. Maybe I was right to wait? Who knows? But I, too, am not against marriage, and am in a committed relationship. I guess the right person just needs to come along (let's hope I've got him, now)!

 

[kent_1848]

I got married early, and had my son early. I don't regret it at all. Also, I meet parents in my sons class (4th grade, so 8 more years of primary schooling) that are in their 50's. I will be 39 when my son is out of the house! Talk about a sweet deal. I'm glad I got married early, and had my kids. I don't think I've missed out on anything. Also, I can't believe you are having trouble finding women that don't have kids or have been divorced. Maybe you need to move to the Midwest, I meet single women on a daily basis.

 

[baitedstorm]

It is not so much a lack of committment that is causing higher divorce rates, there are other factors involved. 40-50 years ago wives stayed married because they had no other choice as it was very difficult for a single woman to support herself and her children economically or socially. The result was often women staying in unfullfilling or abusive relationships where they would today have the option of leaving. And frominterviewinf more than one formerly abused grandma, I get the impression women in that era would have excercised the option if they had had it.

Persoanlly I think that the greater freedom of women to leave bad relationships is a great change. That freedom places much more responsibility on a man to ensure that his spouse's emotional needs are met but at the same time places a greater responsibility on women to not abuse their newly earned power, so marriage is a much taller order for both parties.

I am also not a beliver in the myth of staying together for the sake of the children. Having grown up in an unhappy home and having worked for about 5 years as a child protection social worker and having observed the results of kids growing up in homes where mom and dad do not have any genuine love for each other, I can tell you that you are deluding yourself if you think staying in an unhappy marriage is the right thing to do for the kids.

The reality is that the kids know full well what is going on and once they figure out mom and dad are just doing it for the kids, they feel responsible and guilty. They also are denied the opportunity to see and experience a normal healthy male female relationship and are consequently hard pressed to have one themselves as adults as they have a really poor example to model their own behavior on. The result is unhealthy relationships and a divorce. Despite the conservative view, church opions etc, kids are better off watching mom/stepdad and dad/stepmom in happy relationships than they are growing up with mom and dad in separate bedrooms literally or figuratively.

So if anyone is in an unhappy marriage, with or without kids, my advice is to make a concerted effort to fix it and if that is not possible or if your spouse is unwilling to help change things, get out.

I also have to say that baggage does not matter. If a woman you love has a child, you love child because she is hers and you do not love the child any less because it is not yours. If you can't do that you are not much of a man or a father and she and her child deserve far better.

:god: well said!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[spartanws6]

I got married early, and had my son early. I don't regret it at all. Also, I meet parents in my sons class (4th grade, so 8 more years of primary schooling) that are in their 50's. I will be 39 when my son is out of the house! Talk about a sweet deal. I'm glad I got married early, and had my kids. I don't think I've missed out on anything. Also, I can't believe you are having trouble finding women that don't have kids or have been divorced. Maybe you need to move to the Midwest, I meet single women on a daily basis.

yes, no doubt they are out there. Don't know if I pointed it out earlier or not but I am living in vegas. I think it is safe to say that this is a city of transients, and a place that a lot of people come to in order to solve their problems.
Also I wanted to point out that I am not against meeting a lady with a child. But, it seems that the majority of them have to solve some issues before accepting a guy into the family.

 

[WarmWaterDiver]

Yes, I was convinced that I was the outsider. I am 33 yrs. old, have never been married, and do not have any kids. Most people I know are either married, or were married~ Some with kids, some without. All I could think was, "What's wrong with me?" "Am I too picky?" I don't know, but seeing some of my friends, the "stuff" that they have gone through when their marriages ended, I don't feel so bad. Maybe I was right to wait? Who knows? But I, too, am not against marriage, and am in a committed relationship. I guess the right person just needs to come along (let's hope I've got him, now)!

Hmmm - you sound like a shadow of my formal self - I got married 5 days before my 34th birthday, in 1996, and still going strong. I took 10 years to get through college, working my way through, and learning about life along the way, so i was 28 when I got my BS degree, still single by choice.

My brother and sister have each been divorced twice, of all my buddies who got married in their 20's, only one was still with his first wife by the time we hit our 30's, and one girl I went to high school with was on her 3rd marriage in less than 10 years after graduating (but, the third time was truly the charm for her - still married now).

It's much better, in my experience, to wait for the right person & relationship, than 'put up' with someone / something that doesn't make you both happy.

I've seen the far extreme - I definitely think people should go separate ways before violence ever enters the picture, and if not then, IMMEDIATELY after it FIRST enters the picture. One place I worked, a coworker was later convicted of murder of his spouse, but until the trial, had to be innocent until proven guilty, and we kept working with him. The kids, as they say, is always the worst part. The newspaper articles at one point showed he'd pretty much confessed when his son said he came in the house and told the kid to call the police, beacause 'I just killed your mother'.

So, take heart, and keep in mind, waiting for something good is far better than tolerating something unhappy.

 

[gitterdun]

Hmmm - you sound like a shadow of my formal self - I got married 5 days before my 34th birthday, in 1996, and still going strong. I took 10 years to get through college, working my way through, and learning about life along the way, so i was 28 when I got my BS degree, still single by choice.

My brother and sister have each been divorced twice, of all my buddies who got married in their 20's, only one was still with his first wife by the time we hit our 30's, and one girl I went to high school with was on her 3rd marriage in less than 10 years after graduating (but, the third time was truly the charm for her - still married now).

It's much better, in my experience, to wait for the right person & relationship, than 'put up' with someone / something that doesn't make you both happy.

I've seen the far extreme - I definitely think people should go separate ways before violence ever enters the picture, and if not then, IMMEDIATELY after it FIRST enters the picture. One place I worked, a coworker was later convicted of murder of his spouse, but until the trial, had to be innocent until proven guilty, and we kept working with him. The kids, as they say, is always the worst part. The newspaper articles at one point showed he'd pretty much confessed when his son said he came in the house and told the kid to call the police, beacause 'I just killed your mother'.

So, take heart, and keep in mind, waiting for something good is far better than tolerating something unhappy.

Yes, I agree. Thank you for the encouragement.
Speaking of staying with someone that doesn't make you both happy, my guy and I split up last night. He is a great guy, but there just seems to be something missing for both of us, so it was mutual, and with no animosity. I do, however, have to find somewhere to live, and his family will still call me. But I guess that is the chance you take when you give your heart to somebody. I will keep my eye out for that Mr. Right (although not for a while).

Thank you Mr. Warm Water Diver.

 

[WarmWaterDiver]

I was pretty resigned to being generally incompatible myself until my wife and I met - and turns out both of us were in a similar frame of mind! I was certain I'd be alone the rest of my life, but that was better than making myself and anyone else less happy than being alone did. One of my buddies at the time my wife & I became serious pointed out it's a statistically significant event when 'strong individualists' (passionately (stubbornly?) opinionated unique individuals (loners)) meet, much less are compatible! Then he got married for the first time a few years ago at age 50!

If you haven't seen "American Splendor" yet, it's worth watching - even Harvey Pekar and his wife found each other, and for them, were a perfect match!

 

[pennypue]

It is not so much a lack of committment that is causing higher divorce rates, ..............................................................................................I also have to say that baggage does not matter. If a woman you love has a child, you love child because she is hers and you do not love the child any less because it is not yours. If you can't do that you are not much of a man or a father and she and her child deserve far better.

Extremely well put.

I'd also like to point out that you can't very well complain about everyone getting married too young, the high divorce rate AND the lack of available women. Seems to me that if all the people who got married young stayed married there'd be a whole lot less women available for you.

Be careful too, that while dating a woman who also happens to be a mother that you don't misread the 'daddy auditions'. I think any woman that is a good mother is going to be cautious to be sure the man she's involved with is going to be good with her children.

 

[CBulla]

Hey Penny.. thats a well written post. One I agree with. Something I would like to point out is this term "the dating game". It's been my experience that when the theme of Game is removed from the equation folks tend to take it more serious.

My wife and I had made it to that point when we had re-met 6 and a half years after we originally met. We married 3 months later and haven't been happier in life.

All things happen for a reason in the Journey of Life.. different things at different times... and nobody's path is the same.

 

[pennypue]

All things happen for a reason in the Journey of Life.. different things at different times... and nobody's path is the same.

AMEN Brother Bulla!!!

I'd like to add that there isn't a path that is right or wrong, better or worse, they really are just different.