A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus...

[The Chairman]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

 

[scuba-sass]

This should deffinately have been preceeded with a "Snort Alert"!

Thanks for the good laugh, Pete!
Scuba-sass

 

[simbrooks]

Andy?? Andy???

 

[The Chairman]

Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

 

[CBulla]

:rofl:

 

[H2Andy]

priest's car breaks down. he flags down a semi. semi driver agrees to drive him
to the priest's church.

on the way there, the driver sees a guy in suit and tie about to get into his
car. the driver shouts "tha's my lawyer! he really scrwed me!" and swerves
the semi towards the lawyer, who is almost certainly dead.

at the last second, the lawyer jumps on top of the roof of his car, and the driver
swerves away, barely missing the car.

after a few seconds of silence, the driver says, "Father, i am so terribly sorry.
I just don't know how that could have happened."

"Don't feel bad, my son" says the priest. "You almost got him."

 

[O2BBubbleFree]

priest's car breaks down. he flags down a semi...

In the version I heard the lawyer didn't jump on the roof, and the priest says, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

A good one, though, by all accounts.

 

[Fly N Dive]

In the version I heard the lawyer didn't jump on the roof, and the priest says, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

A good one, though, by all accounts.

yea i've heard a varient of this joke involving a redsox fan driving and a guy wearing a yankees hat

 

[Boogie711]

My favourites always been:

A lawyer and his wife are on a cruise, enjoying the Carribean when a rogue wave hits the vessel, knocking the lawyer over the rail and into the sea. The few people who saw what happened began to run around, desperate to get some help, but the man's wife just sat at the rail and watched calmly.

They asked her "aren't you worried?"

"No," she replied. "Just wait and watch."

Just then a six sharks arrived, but rather than attacking the man, five lined up sideways while the sixth shark lifted the man out of the water. The lawyer walked across the back of the sharks, and calmly stepped back unto the boat.

The passengers were beside themselves...they couldn't believe what they just witnessed. "That's amazing," they cried!

"Naw, not really," replied the wife. "Just a professional courtesy."

 

[DivePartner1]

A lawyer and an accountant were driving their shining new Lexi together on mountain road when a deer crossed in front them, causing them to collide crash into the hill side. The lawyer and accountant were dazed but unhurt. As each crawled out of the wreckage, the lawyer whipped out his cell phone to call 911, then asked the accountant if he was hurt. "No I'm fine but a little rattled," said the accountant,"how about you?" "OK, I but a little shaky." The lawyer them pulled a hip flap of vodka out of his jacket and offered it to the accountant: "How about a snort to calm your nerves?" "Don't mind if I do," said the accountant and took a long deep drink. He gave the flask back the lawyer, who put the cap back on and then put the flask away. "Aren't you going to have a snort too?" said the accountant. "Sure," said the lawyer, "but not until AFTER the police have taken our accident reports . . . ."