Venting to get some sleep

[boulderjohn]

I am in my 50's now and one thing that always bothered my was how people always told me when I was a teen that these were the best years of my life. What a load of crap.

If the teen years were the best years of your life, then you have had a very, very crappy life.

 

[Eric Sedletzky]

I kind of know what you are going through.
I had a similar situation but maybe not as directly as physical. Mine was more mental.
I had two imigrant parents, my dad from Russia and my mom from Sweden.
My dad was an authoritarian, and a mean one at that. My mom was a mental case (we know now) but was never diagnosed.
They divorced when I was 10 and it was a horrible divorce. I was used as a pawn and a tool for them to use to punish one another.
My dad got remarried to an abusive and tormented alchoholic woman, and my mom married an old hippie who was actually a pretty nice guy. The problem with my moms remarriage is it introduced drugs into the picture. All of a sudden there were a lot of weird bikers and druggies hanging out which were all friends of my step dads.

When I turned 16 my mom decided she didn't want to be a mom anymore and sort of abandoned me mentally. She pretty much made it clear she didn't want me around so I left. I bounced back and forth for years living between my mom and dad. I couldn't take my dad's alcoholic wife anymore so I moved out and became homeless living in my car, which was better than living in that house. That was about as close as I ever came to honestly killing someone, I hated her with every fiber of my body. I had to leave I didn't have a choice.
I dropped out of high school at 16. I never was successful at going to college. I was always good at working with my hands so I became an auto body repair man. Later I did many other things, but I always worked. Even when I was homeless I worked and took showers at the local gym.

A few points I can offer to you.
NEVER EVER get into drugs or alcohol to soothe your head or try and numb your brain down to make it feel better. Sobriety is the absolute best way to stay on top of your life and remain healthy both mentally and physically.
Join a gym and start working out. Weight lifting is one of the things that pulled me through and kept me away from drugs and alcohol.
Diving fits right in there. You working on that farm fits right in there too. Physical excercise of any kind will set your hormone levels straight which affects how you think and your moods.
Your sleeping is a sign of depression. Stress and depression takes a lot out of you and it makes you a slug. Recovery means needing rediculous amounts of sleep. I know a guy who lost a kid and couldn't get out of bed for weeks.
When you worked hard physically you probably noticed you slept sounder and woke up fresher, am I right?

Remember also that the past doesn't equal the future. You are a physically operable thinking breathing human being. You have the power to forget about all the crap in the past and start fresh. It's like a flip of the switch.
Don't dwell on the past or think you can go back and fix the bad things and confront the people that wronged you. You can't put the responsibility onto the people who did all of this to you and expect them to make it better, I won't happen, there are no time machines. Those who blame other people for their problems will never get better because in their minds the people who did it are the only ones who can make it better somehow.
I finally realized this and as soon as I cut my losses and quit worrying about something I had no control over I realized I had just as much potential and power to do whatever I wanted just like all the normal people.
Keep looking forward and never take your eyes off the prize (your goal). Never look back because you won't be looking where you are going and you might veer off on the wrong path and hit your head on a tree (figure of speech).
I'm 51 now. I got married, had a kid, and now I'm a grandpa. I've been married for 27 years and have two businesses.
I've had to divorce large sections of my family to be able to do it, but I did what I had to do.

Some people are just poison, but it's not your problem, it's theirs.
You're normal, they're not.

The reason I'm giving you my story is to show you that other people go through the same thing and you're not alone. You'd be surprised at how many people have been dealt a raw deal. It happens, but it doesn't have to cripple you.


Good luck my friend.

 

[chillyinCanada]

It sure sounds like your parents love you verrrry much. How wonderful that must be. It is too bad that they have had some marital problems but they are adults and those problems are theirs to remedy. You are not responsible for their problems. You didn't cause them, or contribute to them at all. It isn't your responsibility to try and fix it either. It would be a good thing if they quit drinking but they have to come to that conclusion on their own.

Regardless of all that, your parents still love you very much even if they have some adult things to work out.

Depression hurts. And it is difficult to get out of bed but you need to try. And also try to remember that you are still a teenager. Our bodies and minds take longer to grow up than it may appear on the surface. Being a teenager so close to being a man is not an easy time of life. Just hang in there, stick it out, do your best and forgive yourself if sometimes you feel as if you aren't trying hard enough. It's OK.

Keep diving, keep working on becoming the best diver you can be. Diving is so healing.

Remember your parents love you and other people care about you. Love yourself too. You are worth it!

 

[ferris213]

I'm glad you vented, and hopefully it helped. I can't really relate to your situation, but I certainly wish you the happy life that you (and everyone) deserves.
The one thing I can offer is a recommendation that you try and reconnect with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have had family members affected by depression, and it's bad, but it doesn't have to last forever.
Hang in there, and best of luck.

 

[Thanshin]

Was in a dysfunctional family in my teen years. Got out of that, made my own family and at twice the age I'm so very happy.

Time will give you the choices and maybe even the wisdom to pick the right ones.

 

[Wingy]

Jord, thanks for posting. Just scanning this page alone you have responses from all over the world, some great advice. I had a pretty bad period in my life that was like living in a tarantino movie for a lot of years. That anger you have could just be your weapon to rise above the past into a brand new future. You cant change the past, you can only change the future. You dont have to be on a spiral path going nowhere. I used my anger as spite, it got me through doing a double degree as a single mother of a pair of babies not out of nappies. I had a great childhood and a fantastic family...but followed a few roads through a shady forest and ended up in a situation where I found myself married to someone who used the classic tricks to tear down every bit of my self esteem.......so I left, broke, with the clothes on my back and walked away from million dollar businesses and the life in the fast lane lifestyle to become a nobody struggling angry hurt mother who could not see any other way to get past this other than by succeeding. I spent every day at Uni determined to succeed by not failing and giving up which is what I kept getting told I would do.

Sometimes, the people who end up the strongest are those who have surfed the downside of adversity ... I wish nothing but the best for you. Hang in there.

 

[Becca65]

I was adopted - but into a wonderful, loving home so I don't really know what you are going through there - although the very few bad memories I have of when I was a child involved my parents drinking too much alcohol (although they didn't do that very often) so as an adult I just don't drink - it has just never been something I wanted to do so I don't - and sometimes other people think I'm being a snob or something, but I'm not, it's just not something I want to do. Anyway, but fear is something I know about - I've always been a very, very cautious person and missed out on doing a lot of fun things because of fear. I'm trying to change that now - better late than never, right? I just turned 49. Anyway Scuba classes caused me a lot of fear and anxiety but I got through them. I think you are a very smart young person who has some anger issues - but you are smart enough to realize that and I think that's great because by realizing that is a problem you can start working on what to do to help yourself. I think you have a great future - maybe as a dive instructor or in some other career where you help people. What is this "farm" that you go to - is that a place you could maybe work and live at once you finish school? Remember the only constant thing about life is that it always changes - your circumstances will change and you'll be stronger for having gone through them.

 

[jord1990]

I know it has been a long time since I posted, but I'm on my way home from the farm.

First off I feel obliged to say that the dive I made after all your nice words was the best one I ever made. No wonder going from the Dutch water to Crystal bay Indonesia.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words I'm almost Crying reading through them again. Which for me is a really healthy way to reduce some pressure.

I haven't dived for a long time and probably won't be for a while. I'm on my way back from finding an apartment near the farm where I'll live for at least the next 6 months. I'll help and eat dinner on the farm.

I had all kinds of psychiatric test, turns out I have a mixture of stuff. Bonding problems, a somber mood in general and an out of balance IQ.

Apparently I have a thinking IQ of 133 and a doing IQ of 100 (simplified version) Apparently this can cause the you just hit a brick wall with certain things.

Anyway I want to make this move, but I'm so afraid I'll lose everyone I leave behind. I know this is an irrational fear, but that makes it no less real.

And now going back home after planning this just makes me feel like ****. I went back her and read every thing again and I can't believe how spot on my first post was. It started as a well I got nothing to lose so let's just try to a that could finally get me some well needed tears.

It is so hard to find when you start sliding down the hill before you're to late and you're already sliding so fast that you can't stop it.

Anyway thanks I've hit a blockade in my head which I have no idea what to do against for the next few days.

---------- Post added February 25th, 2015 at 09:57 PM ----------

I'm sorry for the bad build up of the entire story as I said I hit a blockade.

 

[boulderjohn]

I think you need to keep talking. Go ahead. I am not sure what I want to say now because things are not clear to me.

 

[jord1990]

I came home an hour ago and my parents were waiting for me. I came home to day because tomorrow my dad and me have to take care of something. So I come home (00.00) and it is my bad because I knew they were going to be drunk, but they insisted on taking about what I had been up to.

So I told them what was up and my dad told me I was denied for some care that I needed and that we weren't going to take care of it anymore tomorrow. I explain him what I've been told by multiple including one where he was sitting next to me. He doesn't agree and starts to talk over me. I tell him that if he can't have a normal conversation that I'm just going to bed.

At which point he says okay explain (obviously hadn't listened before, like I said my bad I should've known better.)
So I tell him the story again, he calls me an idiot and tells me that if I know it so much better then he does I should just do it on my own. I tell him that I'm just repeating someone that knows better. I get called an idiot again and same story you're 18 go do it yourself. Which kinda hurt because the whole reason I came back in the first place was to do this with him.

I stand up to walk away and I tell him that it is just the booze talking again, at which point I get called a loser and that I never made a penny in my life. And that he is a doctor. The thing is though these insults bounce off me but the thing that really hurts is that such a loving father and a great guy that took me in to his home and cared for me gave me everything I needed cried about my situation a bunch of times. Turned into to such a ****ing (pardon my language) loser that would say this kinda stuff which he would either not remember or regret in the morning.

It pains me so much that such good people throw away every evening because they drink so much and end up arguing and crying.

I exploded I told him that he is a piece of work since this is the second time he got me crying 30 min after I came home and that it was all because of the alcohol. I asked him what it was worth what did it add to life. In the meantime he just started yelling over me how I was a loser and that I never made a penny.

So I asked him what it had to do with it and he said allot. On which I dared him to tell me it was because of me they drank so much however he didn't stoop that low.

He seemed to calm down and told me to sit down which I refused at first but then my curiosity and him calming down got the best of me. When I sat down he first told me what he had acomplished when he was 18. And that I had achieved nothing.

This was the point where I snapped and not because of what he said, but the fact that this man that loves with all his heart during the day could say stuff this horrible after drinking. All the anger that I normally crop into a deep dark corner just charged out. I wanted to throw the bottle and break the window. But even in this state of mind I had to control myself a little so I chose the wall worst case scenario being that I broke my hand instead of something else(yes I'm not into breaking other people's stuff and my hand will heal in time) and after I shouted and hit the wall as hard as I could a few times I went to my brother and cried on his chest for 30 min.

I got a real wake up call why am doing this move, and I know my dad looks bad in this, but it is not the insults that hurt me. What hurts me is that the man the loves me and that I love is destroying his own image and credibility in my eyes. And he won't even know what he has done the next day.