Troubleshooting Drinking Problems
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house
training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off
a garbage truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a jerk.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying
your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named "Psycho."
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you're invisible (or invincible).
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
TT
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house
training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alcohol Warning Labels We SHOULD See
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off
a garbage truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor
in dancing like a jerk.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you
to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying
your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at four in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter
than some really, really big guy named "Psycho."
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe you're invisible (or invincible).
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
TT
