This made me laught, thought I'd share it...

[Royal Frog]

~~Hot to Turk a Bastey~~

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat if necessary.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1º C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift the cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

~~How to cook a Turkey~~

Step 1 Go buy a turkey
Step 2 Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3 Put turkey in the oven
Step 4 Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5 Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6 Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7 Turn oven the on
Step 8 Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9 Turk the bastey
Step 10 Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11 Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12 Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13 Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14 Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15 Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16 Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17 Turk the carvey
Step 18 Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19 Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20 Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

 

[Dee]

I think I've used both those recipes! :bonk:

 

[Welshman]

Told to me by my shooting Instructor when we were out wildfowling:

How to cook a wild goose.

1. Shoot your goose

2. Pluck and clean it.

3. Find a housebrick and place in the bottom of a large saucepan.

4. Place the goose on top of the housebrick and fill the pan with water so the goose is covered. Add seasoning.

5. Put the pan on the cooker and bring water to the boil then turn heat down so water simmers. Leave for 10 hours.

6. Pour away the water and repeat steps 4 and 5.

7. Pour away the water, then (see below)









Keep going....















A bit further....



















Not far to go now...















Almost there...














8. Throw away the goose and eat the housebrick!