This is a beginning of a long dive story/book. Please give me your opinions?

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bluenose

Registered
Messages
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Location
NYC
# of dives
100 - 199
This is my first attempt at any writing. I love diving and want to write about it in afun way. Is it working or should I stop now?

Chapter one.
As he stepped into the street the all too familiar blanket of heat enveloped his body. New York city summers can be brutal and it felt almost as bad as his hangover. The weather forecaster predicted 80percent humidity with the possibility of reaching 100 degrees for the third straight day. It was already 90 degrees at 10 am.
He walked squinty eyed for a couple of blocks up 1st avenue skipping across the intersections to beat cars and to get that fist cup of coffee. When he turned onto 7th street Sam sighed and stopped! He hadn’t beaten Mary today. She was a homeless lady who was resident on this block and was the owner of four shopping trolleys. She didn’t trust anyone and if you approached her carts you would feel the wrath of Mary, ranting and raving in a thick Brooklyn accent whilst whooshing her cane through the air. She would methodically push one cart ahead about ten yards and shove it off, sending it free wheeling along the side walk, all the time turning repeatedly checking the three behind. Then she would send the next one with as much force to equal the distance of the previous one. This was repeated until she had managed to get them moved about 20 yards at a time. She gave Sam the usual distasteful look and muttered away to herself. Sam waited until she cleared his doorway then approached, unlocked the door. Opened it and entered the shop. The usual musty smell of new wet suits and rubber parts hung in the air. The flickering light on the answer machine was showing 5 new calls. He skipped through the first two customary messages from vendors offering him a great rate on fins, dive lights etc, the next message was from Wendy and even on the answer machine he was bothered by her presence. She was from down south and had a very annoying way of talking in a whiney voice. She was a good-looking lady until she opened her mouth. She was from the south but not your average southern bell. She had a personality that was sometimes overbearing a bit of a control freak Very pushy but also played heavily on the dumb blonde bit. She was going to be late today because General Lee her cat needs to go to the vet. Sam sat down in front of the A.C. to listen to the next one from a man who didn’t leave a name or call back number inquiring about diving a new wreck he knows about. He finished promising to call back. A new wreck Sam thought, yes another dreamer.
The final call grabbed Sam’s attention. It was Paddy the Russian a local bookie looking to be paid. He informed Sam he would be by later today to collect. Sam was in for a hundred and fifty dollars and Wendy owed a weeks pay. Sam called her on her cell and after listening to Jimmy Buffet playing on her voicemail he left her the serious news.
He leaned over and lowered the AC machine to a comfortable temperature sipped the last of his coffee and hit the head, before opening to the public
For once, he actually had a customer waiting when he opened the store for business. A tall young man, who looked the Wall Street type with his preppy clothes and loafers. Sam didn’t have much time for his kind but in business you need to overlook that and Sam was one of the best at reading a stranger and adapting his personality to there desires. Not fake but with a silver tongue he would out wit his opponent. In this case the man was interested in buying his own equipment now he was diving regularly. Seeing he was the type who had to beat the Joneses Sam played into his mind. “You need a dry suit if you are diving up here for comfort. It gets cold and you really don’t want a wet suit on in 50-degree water do you? I have this new Quad laminated Ballistic Nylon, Polly mare, Rubber with a topcoat of synthetic denier zylon. Remember the stuff that they dropped the Mars Rover in, the big silver balloons that enabled a safe landing? Well it’s similar to that material, designed originally by NASA. It’s on a special right now! the manufacture gave me three at a cut rate because he messed up a shipment. This is the last and it’s going for a mere $2,100.00. This comes with talc for the seals and a wax stick for the zipper. A real bargain but no one would now. This is normally $3,000.00 without those care products. And you’ll need to upgrade those fins because of the drag caused by your suit.
And if you believe that I’ll tell you another one.” Sam said with a cheeky smile. “But seriously if your diving up here you should go with that dry suit and think about going onto double tanks in the future. You start now by buying a back plate and harness and using a single tank configuration. When in the future you decide to upgrade you can easily add the extra tank. This way you will have better gear than most and it will be less expensive in the long run and you seem to be the type to stick with this hobby. “
By the time the man left he had spent almost $5,000.00.
Sam was happy about the sale especially at the beginning of the week but it was a credit card sale and he needed a cash-paying customer before Paddy the Russian came demanding. By 2pm Sam had raised the capital and greeted Wendy with a cynical smile as she entered apologizing on behalf of her cat. She was great with the customers and her sales where welcome but she did annoy him. she had a passion for gambling on baseball games and was being killed by a Yankees bad season. She was in for $500.00. Sam wanted to ask her about the money and she loved that, but would keep him in suspense until he finally broke down and asked her if she got the message. She did and she had her money.
The doorway darkened causing them both to look up and see Paddy the Russian standing in the doorway. He looked all a round with great suspicion on his face like he was expecting the police to pounce any minute. Before every sentence he would glance left then right and lean forward to speak. And always out the side of his mouth. When his lips moved it caused his eyes to shift side to side. As ever he was immaculately dressed in a light gray suit and black shoes. Sweat was beading on his forehead and running down behind his Ray Bans. He flicked his cigarette out into the street and closed the door behind and took one last look up and down the street.
“Hello Paddy how are you?” Asked Sam.
Paddy the Russian turned to face them and smiled slow and broadly with his head slightly tilted. A big barrel chested man that had hands like shovels. You always had the feeling he could swot you into next week.
“Sound as a pound! You bollix.” Paddy replied in the his thick Russian accent.
He always used Irish sayings and really played up the Irish side. It amused Sam immensely to see Paddy ignoring his true Russian upbringing. He had never stepped foot in Ireland but to see him you would never believe he is Russian, except of course when he spoke. For Breakfast he even attended an Irish American joint and ate the big fried bacon, sausage and egg with all the trimmings. He lived to be Irish.
“Sammy I believe we need to talk” Said Paddy.
Sam walked over and handed Paddy an envelope, then sat into a chair that was next him. Paddy was still standing, staring directly ahead at Wendy. She was at the end of the room behind the display cabinet readying herself for the encounter.
She slowly moved out from around the display cabinet and began a sensual walk toward Paddy and you could see his smile turn serious. As she walked, Sam and paddy noticed the snapping sound coming from her feet. They looked down and noticed her shoe was broken. The sole had come away from the upper on the front part of her shoe. Every time she lifted her foot it would snap back into place.
Paddy pulled his hand out of his jacket side pocket and produced a huge wad of money that was rolled then bound with a big rubber band. He carefully unwound the band and allowed
the money to unfold into a flat stack. He instructed Wendy to place her layer on top. She did and Paddy rolled the wad and re-banded it, dropping it into the same pocket. No Need to count it they had real fear for him and would not be so stupid.
“You wiped me out honey” She announced as she retreated back to her post.
As she walked back the sound once again caught both of there attention. And Paddy was first react.
“ Are you so skint that you can’t afford a decent pair of shoes? You just paid me $500.00 dollars.”
“It was a bad week I wasn’t planning on loosing it Hun.” She replied.
“ I can’t leave you like that come here I’ve got something for you.” He said with a compassionate poise.
He retrieved the roll from his pocket and slowly unwound the rubber band while she stood facing him twenty feet away. He then cocked his thumb and a snapping sound could be heard as the band flew through the air and was stopped by Wendy catching it.
“You can wrap that around it” Said Paddy as he laughed and made for the door.
Sam couldn’t contain his laughter. He loved a good wind up and really took pleasure of it happening to Wendy.
The door banged shut just as the phone started to ring. Wendy was to steamed to answer it so Sam rushed toward it still grinning.
“ Is this Sam Hurley” The caller asked.
Sam recognized the voice from the answer machine.
“Yes. What can I do for you” He inquired.
My name is Juan and I believe you and I should meet to discuss a possible business adventure…………..”
 
If you are really interested in persuing the idea of writing a book, I would seriously recommend taking a writers course. There is more to writing than just setting thoughts to words; there are tricks to developing story lines, characters etc. What makes one book more appealing than others is the skill the writer uses in these areas. Why should I care about your character? These questions and others should be anwered.

Also - to make the story more interesting - vary your breaks and the order of grammar in the sentences more...
 
I have to agree with mtg... Take a look into a creative writing course which will help you get your writing kicked started.

A few things you might want to consider are to start by writing your character sketches first (for all your primary characters). Then write a synopsis of your plot. Then write your varying locations (research and background study is needed for those locations that you are not very familiar with but will be using).

These are just a few of the elements that you will want in place early on in your book's development.

When you first start out, don't fixate about grammar, etc, you'll have to do more than a few proofreads and edits as you progress, and it's better to get the thoughts down than to loose them worrying about spelling and grammar. Just don’t show anyone an unedited version of anything you write.

Most importantly write first and foremost for your own personally enjoyment, and have fun with it.

Cheers!
 
BTW, had to stop writing the other night and left off abruptly. As someone who has never been able to follow thru on a book/story idea, I wish you luck with your project, and hope you get real enjoyment out of the challenge:D
 
Hy. I just finished my first book so I know what you're going through! you have quite a lot of grammatical errors in this version - i think it's always best to present the best version of your work if you want an opinion onit - of course us schmoes on Scubaboard don't matter but still - the effort would have been nice. Some examples are here:

New York city summers can be brutal and it felt almost as bad as his hangover.
You should say New York City summers COULD be brutal as you have used the past tense for the rest of this paragraph.

Also here:
Sam waited until she cleared his doorway then approached, unlocked the door
You should say and unlocked the door or unlocking the door.

Okay this isn't English class I don't mean to pick....a class would be a good idea but it's not for everyone. When I was writing I had a portfolio of stuff for my book to reference as I went along. I drew scetches of the characters so that I didn't make mistakes such as saying a character had blue eyes in one scene and then forgetting and giving them brown eyes 10 pages on! Most importantly I suppose is that you have a plot and know where it's going. I like the concept of your story - we need more media based around SCUBA so keep on cracking at it and good luck.
 
I like it.
Just would stay away from making the evil people (Paddy the Russian) foreigners.
Too many writers stereotype. But I like it.
 
Kill the character is the first sentence. No one cares about the weather in NYC unless he dies of a heatstroke.
 
Criticism aside- your writing flows very well.

Keep writing- you're good. And it's a first draft (or a second or a twelvth) so it's supposed to be rough. Yours is better than just "rough" and you say it's just the beginning. Good.

You don't need to answer with the what's, but I'm curious about the yes/no's-
do you have a story line in mind/outlined?
is this all you've written?
is this your first draft of this section?

On the side- I have difficulty reading long posts without breaks in the paragraphs (or without spaces in them) so if you post any further writing it may be easier for people to read if you put some spaces in. Just my opinion on the mechanics of posting!
 
If you're hoping to sell the book, I'd stick to tried-and-true genres: promiscuous women in their 20s and the serial killers who stalk them. If those don't work for you, I'd suggest that you hold on to your day job for the time being, NYC rents being what they are. Good luck.:D
 
No, sorry, the problem with that first sentence you remarked upon is that it mixes number.

''New York'' summers and ''it''

Writing is about thinking as you write, not just writing.
 

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