The Year in Review

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OCTOBER

...the U.S. economy suffers another blow as the Federal Bureau of Never Expecting Unemployment To Be As High As It Actually Is reports that, for the 37th consecutive month, unemployment is unexpectedly high. “Darned if we didn’t get fooled again!” exclaims a bureau spokesperson, adding, “We expect it to be lower next month.” Meanwhile Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke, speaking from his new office in Toronto, announces a plan to drastically increase the U.S. money supply by “quantitative easing,” a controversial process involving what Bernanke describes as “a major job for Kinko’s.”

The economy remains the big theme as the congressional elections enter the home stretch, with incumbents from both parties declaring their eagerness to go back to Washington and knock some sense into whatever incompetent morons are in charge. Polls show that the voters are in a very cranky mood, which tends to favor outsiders such as the Tea Party candidates, although O’Donnell definitely hurts her chances in Delaware when, during a televised debate, she turns her opponent into a toad.

President Obama, continuing his quest to find candidates willing to accept his help, winds up campaigning in what White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs describes as “some very key student-council races.” Meanwhile Sarah Palin, raising her stature as a potential 2012 GOP presidential contender, weighs in on the issues with a number of important tweets.

On the legal front, the Supreme Court, as it does every October, begins a new term, which is hastily adjourned when the justices discover that their robes have bedbugs.

In the month’s most dramatic story, the 33 trapped Chilean miners are all brought safely to the surface, only to be sent right back down because they failed to bring up any copper — which, as the mining company points out, “was the whole point of sending them down there in the first place.” Meanwhile in France, millions of workers again take to the streets to demonstrate, in no uncertain terms, that they are French.

Elsewhere abroad, terrorists in Yemen attempt to send mail bombs to the United States, confirming the long-held suspicions of U.S. intelligence that there really is a country named “Yemen.” The plot, which involves explosives concealed inside printer cartridges, is foiled, but as a precaution the TSA decides to prohibit air travelers in the Unites States from carrying anything capable of printing, including pens, pencils, and children in grades 2 through 5.

In sports, the National Football League, seeking to reduce violence, imposes stiff fines for defensive beheading.

Speaking of gory, in...
 
NOVEMBER

...the elections turn out to be a bloodbath for the Democrats, who lose the House of Representatives, a bunch of Senate seats, some governorships, some state legislatures and all of the key student-council races. Also a number of long-term Democratic incumbents are urinated on by their own dogs. President Obama immediately departs for a nine-day trip to Asia to see if anybody over there wants to hear about the benefits of health-care reform.

Speaking of health: Some air travelers express concern about radiation from the TSA’s new high-resolution scanners, especially after screeners at O’Hare are seen using one to make popcorn. TSA chief John Pistole insists that the scanners are completely safe “as long as you move through quickly.” He also assures passengers that their body images “are not saved for any purpose whatsoever, such as entertainment at the TSA Christmas party.” Nevertheless some passengers refuse to be scanned; they are required to undergo a manual procedure that is known, within the agency, as “the full gerbil.”

World tension mounts as North Korea, in what is widely seen as a deliberate act of provocation, fires artillery shells at Denver. Meanwhile, in another indication of the worsening global debt crisis, the directors of the International Monetary Fund vote to have Ireland’s legs broken.

The U.S. economy also continues to struggle, as the unemployment rate, catching everybody by surprise, turns out to be higher than expected for yet another month. The lone bright spot is provided by the president’s deficit-reduction commission, which, after months of work, releases a draft of a tough plan that, if Congress can muster the backbone to enact it, would reduce the deficit by trillions of dollars and put the nation on the path back to fiscal sanity. This is a welcome bit of comic relief in the stressed-out capital; everybody enjoys a hearty bipartisan laugh, then gets back to maneuvering for the 2012 elections.

In other entertainment news, Bristol Palin’s bid to win Dancing With the Stars falls short when the judges throw out 147 million votes from Palm Beach County. She winds up finishing third, behind actress Jennifer Grey and Vice President Biden.

In sports, President Obama’s upper lip is injured in a basketball game when he is hit in the mouth by an elbow believed to have been thrown by North Korea.

International tension continues to mount in...
 
DECEMBER

...with the continued release by Wikileaks of classified cables leaked from the State Department, which apparently has the same level of data security as an Etch-a-Sketch. The cables reveal a number of embarrassing diplomatic secrets, such as:

The last three rounds of Middle East peace talks have consisted entirely of delegates playing Twister.

• The Republic of Tajikistan and the Republic of Uzbekistan frequently, as a prank, exchange places in the United Nations, and nobody has ever noticed.

• High-ranking officials of Scotland, speaking in private, admit that they don’t understand what the hell they’re saying either.

• In 2007, Hungary paid $170 million to Russia for pictures of Sweden naked.

In domestic politics, a partisan debate rages over what to do about the expiring Bush tax cuts. The Democrats, suddenly alarmed about the deficit, want to raise taxes on people making $250,000 a year – or, as the Democrats routinely refer to them, “billionaires.” The Republicans want to extend tax cuts for everybody, but compensate by cutting federal spending at a later date using an amazing new spending-cutting device they have seen advertised on TV.

Finally, President Obama and the Republican leaders reach a compromise under which income-tax rates will stay the same for everybody, but the death tax will be expanded to include people who are merely hung over. Also, in a concession to the Iowa congressional delegation, the federal government will continue to fund a “green energy” program under which corn is converted into ethanol, which is then converted back into corn, which is then planted to grow more corn. This will cost $5 billion a year, but it is expected to create or save literally dozens of Iowa jobs.

President Obama, trying to sell the compromise, appears ambivalent, saying that “it is less than ideal,” but also pointing out that “it totally sucks,” adding, “I hate it.” Despite this smooth sales pitch, many Democrats are unhappy. There is even talk of a primary challenge to Obama in 2012, a notion dismissed as “nonsense” by Hillary Clinton, who speaks to reporters while traveling on what aides describe as routine State Department business in New Hampshire.

In another potential setback for the president, a federal judge in Virginia rules that the health-care reform act violates the constitution’s tonnage clause. On the environmental front, delegates from 193 countries at the U.N. Climate Change Conference in Cancún, Mexico, pass a resolution stating that they should not have had those last four rounds of margaritas.

Time Magazine, in a controversial decision, names, as its Person of the Year, Iranian space pioneer Helmz 1. In television news, Fidel Castro makes a surprise guest appearance on The Walking Dead.

Speaking of entertainment: As the year finally draws to a close, all eyes are on Seaside Heights, N. J., where MTV plans to ring in the new year by dropping a ball containing Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, one of the leading bimbos of Jersey Shore. Millions eagerly tune in, only to find that the ball has been attached to something that makes it drop slowly. A bitterly disappointing end to a bitterly disappointing year.

But at least it’s over, right? And we can take comfort in the fact that 2011 cannot possibly be worse. Unless, of course, this newly discovered asteroid — maybe you read about it — continues on a trajectory that...

Try not to think about it. Have another margarita. Happy New Year.
 
Thanks Speed.
I really miss the Michael Putney/ Carl Hiassen/ Dave Barry special at years end on Channel 10.
This was a nice read.

Chug
Been here a while.
 
https://www.shearwater.com/products/teric/

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