The best of Andy Rooney...

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goofygirl

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Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,
"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe,
then says, "Darn that's hot!"
See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler during my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning....okay...no problem.

I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

The next time someone says something stupid -ask them where their sign is. Anybody you know need a sign today?
 
Pretty funny stuff, and true to life, but it's Bill Engvall's material, not Andy Rooney's ;)
 
The problem can be summed up in a misquote from a popular movie.

"I see DUMB people. The're everywhere. They don't know they're DUMB."
 
Firefyter:
Pretty funny stuff, and true to life, but it's Bill Engvall's material, not Andy Rooney's ;)

Oh so true..
 
I walk out into a Wal-Mart parking lot and there's a guy fervishly fishing for his door lock with a coat hanger.
I asked him, "Ya lock yer keys in yer car?"
He responds, "Naw, I just washed the sonuva***** and I'm hangin it out to dry!"

Here's my sign . . .

Aforementioned anecdote egregiously stolen from "The Red Neck Comedy Show".
 
hehehehehe....some people around here at my job needs those signs.

Paul
 
Firefyter:
Pretty funny stuff, and true to life, but it's Bill Engvall's material, not Andy Rooney's ;)

Really? It was sent to me as Andy Rooney's, and I can actually hear him saying it in my head when I read it. Who's this Engvall guy and where can I read more of his stuff?

Thanks for the correction.
 

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